well crap, this thing hasn't been published, publicly for wayyyy too long. I started another blog, which too, well had good intentions, it will get attention, I just get busy.
so it's the anniversary. booo. those sound great, and usually are, unless we are talking about loss. well, yup, that's what happened. somehow every year, i get stronger, until this time. every year, i think i've come so far, and something sends me crashing to an all time new low.
new relationship? new friends? same old pile of crap i bring to the table... most of it good, don't get me wrong, but this well this has it's own rules, expectations, and it hits me in the back of the head and leaves my feelings, emotions, and thoughts strung out for days. i just don't know how to change it. i can only warn those around me so much before it happens. i mean don't dwell, right? that's what all the 'healthy' people who didn't go through my personal loss say, the therapist, my fam.... my friends. and yea, i've 'talked' all of this out a billion times, written, drawn, painted... it doesn't seem to be enough.
every year there seems to be more hurt, more loss, it grows as she would have. and maybe that's just it. is it supposed to get easier? that well, it doesn't seem like it does, it just seems like it becomes another year. i mean the number of days spent crying is significantly less, but the hurt, nope, it's still just as deep and as messy a wound as when it all happened.
