The Starbucks adventure and Mr Inspiration

No secret, I am addicted, well, yea... I mean that's what the gold card in my wallet means right?  LOL.  I won't tell you how long it took to earn, only that I earned it relativly quickly. 

So last night began with my best asking for Starbucks... and my adventure continued through this afternoon, when YUP, yup, you guested it another Starbucks detour was involved! 

Had an opportunity to involve some bodywork too (giving a massage).  It was rather spontaneous.  But I am always amazed when a body responds to touch, muscles relax and healing start.  Humbled to be in the midst and help facilitate such events.  Yea, I know I went to school for it.  Studied like mad for my certifications... Passed with flying colors.  But still I am amazed that something as simple as touch can do so many things. 

Spending time with those whom inspire me is phenominal.  Just to be in the presence of someone who can creativly (so to speak) turn you on is awesome.  My muse is awake.  Lots of stuff to ponder many avenues to explore.  Senses are all on edge, ready to go.  Ready to take on a new adventures.


With that I am gonna thank "Mr Inspiration" for stirring my creativity and arousing the muse too.  There will be some poetry posted, debating about seperating the blog into two parts, it still may happen.... the updates vs the poetry.  There will be some stuff I dig out of the woodwork too.  But it all is me, raw, and I am ready to be vunerable if just a bit. 

With that grateful heart and a graceful smile I proceed!  

It's all just "stuff"

Challenged to pull out poetry.  So, I am digging through things today, writing, and pulling out pieces here and there.  Still keeping up on the character stuff.  Out of left field crap comes in.  DANG.  There are always haters out there, shrugs.  Oh well. 

On to the positive.  Much much better that way. 

Digging out the poetry and the depths of Mael, are very much the same mood.  Kinda melancholy, a bit nostalgic.  LOL.  The mood, maybe its the weather a bit too.  But I am inspired.  Writing styles and all and its been a bit since I have posted any poems.  So there will be a few posted after, or if you are reading this one listed above it, as the most recent entry posts last. 

Enjoy, they are gonna be randomly listed.  Some of them are dark... feedback on any of them is always welcome.

Several (Small) Victories.

Had a lot of irons in the fire today.  It was supposed to be Mom's day (May 10th is Mexican Mother's Day, always the same day, Dia de Los Madres).  As a kiddo we always made sure to observe it, and do something, kinda tradition.  So today we hung out.  LOL.  She has me cracking up all the time.  Feisty woman.  Guess this apple didn't fall far from that tree!  Couple weeks ago Gil, my cousin's cousin, was complaining about spicy mexican food, he lives somewhere its non-existent.  Oh remember that one very well.  Dang.  So I told him I would hook him up in a couple weeks.  Making spicy salsa, sweet.  Great idea to hang with Mom, in the kitchen.

 I love cooking.  Maybe I shoulda started there.  I am a curvy girl and didn't get that way by not eating!  Happy chef, always.  Last night's dinner sweet and sour pork.  Do I use an recipe?  Not normally.  I rocked it out, it was a spontaneous decision.  And the sauce was homemade, or well 75% lol.  This morning brought the salsa making out.  FUN!  Mom and her food processor.  I was just chopping stuff by hand, so it had a good mix, of stuff.  I can't tell you how many things went into it, I can tell you there is the "mild" and the "spicy" version.  Don't let that fool you.  Mom was coughing on the mild one; the spicy one burnt my taste buds.

So two small victories.

Following through with my decisions I made yesterday. Check and check... Oh and the positive affirmations were posted this morning.  Great feedback.

Two more victories.

Eight pages written.  I have editing to do tomorrow.  Quite a bit of it, but it will be with worth it in the end.  Four poems, sweet, just came out, didn't have to fight it... in reality was rushing to find paper, almost didn't catch all of the words.  Oh and the email sent out to the non profit about volunteering my massage hours.  I hope that it works, one of the founders has mentioned the idea before, so its not totally out of left field.  Time will tell.   I got some back up plans though.

Three more victories.

I have a few errands to run and an appointment to make.  Just wanted the update, I am on the right track.  Keep moving forward.

keep on writing.

Okay so the writing process has engulfed me.  I surrendered maybe a bit too much to it.  New goal is to blog while I write, also wanting to get back to poetry... verses seem to spill forth, so I have a notebook right by the keyboard.  I know awkward a bit but I don't want to loose the thoughts!  Guess I have a bit to say.  Didn't know so much could be bottled up inside.  Wow.  Therapeutic though. 

There is a rawness a kinda untapped part of the writing.  Matt calls it "Mari-isms", Steve (another director/producer friend) seems to agree.  I guess its just a unique perspective they are not used to.  I am just being as genuine as I know how to be, figure the uniqueness will come out because there really isn't another like me. I know sounds kinda narcissistic in nature, but its the truth. 

Working on the inter relationships this week.  That's where I am in the story line.  Mael and Isa.  There is a dynamic and chemistry. 

"You're my planet and I'm your star. From a distance we both shine. Gravity, our own respective gravity keeps us together and apart." (Mael to Isa) 

He doesn't know where he fits into her life... he wants to be a part of it.  Her response was something sarcastic.  She replies he had to be the planet because "Uranus isn't a star".   She doesn't understand romantic love.  Nope, if its not physical she just doesn't get it... or won't let it in.  Like putting to ends same polar ends of a magnet together, you can get them close, but they shove each other away in the end. 

A few victories in the last couple days.  Take them how they come.  Ev and I are back on speaking terms.  I really wish him the best in this new position at work.  Great opportunity for a promotion, he works his ass off so its good that he is moving up.  Proud of you Evan! 

As for personal relationships, I am a pretty happy girl.  Could be happier.  But patience.  Good things come to those who wait, right?  Time will show who I am.  I am confident in that.  Being genuinely me.  Being honest and present, accountable.  Good place to be.  As always proceeding with a open mind and a grateful heart.  I am blessed!

Yowzers, awake since 4:30 and still going

I have a bit of a break from the writing while things are being reviewed.... so why not blog?  Two dreams one night!  Neither connected wow, extremes of them both.  I think my poor little subconcious is confused.  Going to give more details on the first, the second is kinda my guilty pleasure.  And I've experienced dreams vanishing if I talk to much about them. 

Alright admittidly I am not an early bird... shhhh, laughing isn't nice!  I am a night owl.  Normally being awake before the sun, means I didn't go to bed.  Haha.  Yea, this morning I had one of those dreams... THOSE dreams.  Yea, I have been told that not everyone dreams in color, though I don't understand.  Now I don't always have spoken words in my dreams, or well, the full spectrum of sound and smell, taste... the whole sensory thing can be varied.  I don't know how it works.  I have had some very, very random dreams. 

Actually starting out figuring out what the heck was going on with one of my "usual dreams" and then skipped around abit.  I am still kinda confused about the first dream and why I went back to that location.  The first dream woke me up but I was able to go back to sleep.  I have written about the confusion of this dream before... Yea its the birthday party dream... OMG.  Where did this show up from.  Its all black and white, which isn't like me at all!  And then the table with the gifts, wtf?  And now there were anothers that I hadn't seen before.  WOW.  And that flower, that flower that I have seen in the context of that dream.  Ah huh.  Odd. 

Backing up... the month before my 29th birthday, I started having a strange dream.  As I mentioned I dream in color... The rest of the senses kinda change depending on the dream.  Sometimes even the colors are more visual.  It was pieces of the dream.  All the same dream it was black and white!  It would be different parts, getting a few min here or a few there... Sometimes I can go in and manipulate them (that's another conversation, learned how to do that as a child because my dreams are so vivid), but I had no luck doing that.  It was a movie of sorts just unfolding.  Okay, alright.  So see how far we can push through.  Started keeping my dream journal again, because of this strange dream that would be on and off again.  The night of my birthday, I had the dream in its entirety.  WOW. 

Crazy dream.  As I said I have written it before.  All my family was in this room, there was a party going on at my aunt's house, my birthday party.  We were all in the living room talking.  Some surreal conversation.  It still flips me out who was there and how they presented themselves.  Yea, not getting into that, here, because I still have too many questions.   There was a second part to the dream.  A table of presents, gifts that had been brought by everyone at the party.  I saw this throughout the night, but like a kid I was told not to peek.  Haha.  My fam knows me well.  By the end of the night the table was over come with gifts, all shapes sizes, bags, boxes, wrapped... all different.  Some from the size of a jewlery box to the three on the floor that were the size of a small fridge.  This is the part of the dream that I visit most often.  Not what was said, but the table itself!  I was told, not audiably but told by the person who was walking me around, that the gift inside every box was the same. OMG.  How could that be.  She said, all different wrappings its the same gift, the presentation is the only difference.  Again she got that puzzled look.  She told me that they were all LOVE, and all in the same amount... O.o.  WOW. Profound.  I was told I could look at the boxs but no unwrapping, because that would be examining the gift, and that was never appropriate!  Yea, so I will often go back to this table, and just when I think I have examined every gift, seen ever box, container, bag, touched the tissue paper... I find more.  I know, geez, trying to keep it together writing over here.  Funnier yet, there are always a few that I "see" without names... or discriptions, actually NONE of them have names, but they are obvious as to who they are from. Haha, its the personality with which they are wrapped, and the energy that goes into that.  I often find some that I am just clueless as to the giver.  Hummm.  Only later to stop and say, wait.  Okay.  Its odd.  The dream is in black and white, but the gifts aren't.  I am not sure why.  But I never question it. 

Last night brought up 8 more gifts.  Did I mention I have my favorite gifts on the table?  The packages I am most drawn to.  See so much of this mimics what is in my life already.  My guide throughout the dream... is the same.  I cannot always talk to her.... but well 70% of the time I can and she responds.  I am not getting into those details either.  I all sounds so hokey... expecially all together.  It's not but I feel the disbelief all the time from others who I talk to it about.  Its rather annoying because I want them to validate it.  Point is I can do that on my own.  I know it exists.  Its my way of dealing with everyone in my life.  Subconciously. There were a few I couldn't touch last night, and the frustration woke me up. 

Back to sleep I went... COMPLETELY different dream, someone flipped the switch!

The second just set my muse on fire.  Color, texture, taste, smell, feeling, yikes;  sensory overload but in the best possible way!  Some remote villa with a beach about a hundred feet away.  The clean scent of the surf and the gentle breeze across bare skin, not to mention the fact that the villa was open on three sides, so you could enjoy the views.  Gorgeous blue green water and white sand.  The sound of a shower was so relaxing, and the bed was so inviting I remember turning over to go back to sleep.  And wow, he was there.  *giggle*  Incredible.  Fantastic dream.  Seemed so real.  Waking up ugh... well no recovering from that, so I got up and started writing. 

INSPIRED!!!!!  Laura gave me a worksheet yesterday and emailed me a set of questions to start things rolling, she has been in numberous creative writing classes... so it was game on.  Matt wants my words.  Haha.  SMH.  Something about how I'm in every character, he doesn't quite have it yet.  Close, but he asked me to write.  He said short story can be made into a part of it.  Just keep on keeping on.  Submitted my work so far.  And in the couple hr break I have had, its been good.  Only one revision, back to my email to work on.  But my instructions are to step back for just a bit, before I open that email.  He doesn't want frustration and he's afraid it may happen since I just wrote it.  Ahhh, priceless to work with someone who gets you. 

darker times.

Okay I did mention that these "characters" I have created... these fictional characters I am writing about, developing their interwining storylines... they are rooted partly in my personality.  Exaggerated facets of my personality.. But yes. 

Matt saved M&M's character development til the end.  And really I was offended initially.  But rather smart, yea I said it... smart, blah.  He went with the most simplistic of characters.... or who I am exibiting qualities of to the more complex.  The story started with M&M's creation, it always has, she created the other two.

Now when she was initially thought up, created, whatever I was in a dark time in my life.  I am not excusing anything, mearly explaining the facts.  In a loveless marriage, away from my family, had the best friends anyone could ever imagine, but they didn't know all of me, we didn't have this everlong history, so they couldnt see that I wasn't "me".  I don't think they could pick up on the fractures in me... the duality that covered the abuse. 
I am not going to pretend or assume you have read the poetry to your right --->  lol (shameless plug)  but I do go into those feelings of being alone, depressed, helpless... no bueno.  Lots of stuff happened in those days.  Often it was the people that I was interacting with through this character of "M&M" that saw what was actually going on.  I know they all know there was mental and emotional abuse, and at the end they put two and two together to know that it went beyond that. 

Anyhow you write what you know, or atleast its a good starting point.  M&M was turned in a horrific act.  She was a young teenager, innocent, and she was violated in the worst thing a being can do to another.. she was created in a very violent vulgar act.   Without going too deep, I had my own "experience" with that dark side of humanity at about the same age.  Too young to understand anything, wayyy to young.

M&M uses the rage and anger from that experience to seek revenge.  She doesn't know how to love.    She protects herself at all costs.  Dog eat dog world.  ;) 

Like a century later, she,  does marry, a man who has no clue she is a vamp.  Haha.  She wants to be loved.  Its not a healthy relationship on any level.  She becomes a black widow.  Anger and hate and vengefulness just ooze from this little one.  Her world is turned upside down with the Isa but more with the addition of Mael.  Though she is still very clueless on what love is. 

I begged and pleaded with Matt to let me write this much about her, because he is working so dillegantly on the storyline he won't give it up.  Doesn't want too many details out there.  LOL  Opps.  Nah. He has the approval on this, as long as  you see it published.  ;) 


PS.  I am soo not this person any longer... well parts of it I wear, and will take with me always.  But I do see things differently.  Anger and hatred have no place in my heart.  I was the victim too long to continue to "play" that card.  So I am a survivor, I wear it proud.  I found the strength and courage to get out, and it gives me some unique perspective into life.  Everything happens for a reason and it is not my right to question that reason. 

exploration....

So I have had the unique opportunity to develop some of my writing a bit more than I ever had thought I would.. Confusing?  Let me back up a few years ago.  So I am a nerd, self proclaimed, no worries.... was really into gaming because well it was a fantastic escape from the real world!  Yea I need the escape.  In the process of playing one of my many games online, lol, myspace (LMFAO). I actually found some wonderful people.... a handful of which are still in my life three almost four years later.  NERD alert: you've been warned!  One of the games was vampire wars.  Yea, so there was a vamp clan developed, early on in the game, thanks O, CC, and Madam Minx!  I was in... these indivuduals became my sounding board not just for the game but for what was going on in life too, spent a lot of time online playing, at one point was one of seven leaders of the clan, which had exponentially grown.  Well CC is wonderfully talented and decided to document his "creation story" and betwen him and Darla (she had a pictorial debut of her vamp)... they both posed a "challange" to give our vamps a back story.  My vamp, M&M (my initials, was in many ways, like most gamers, my alter ego).  Because it was a game, I also had two "baby vamps" I know... I know... already said I spent time playing. 

So fine, I decided I could do this, but it wouldn't be half assed  M&M (M for short)would have her orgins in history... deeply rooted, something that actually could have happened.  Used mesoamerican culture, because that was my studies... got this!  Documented my timelines, and research, staying consistant.  It was easier than I anticpated.  So I decided to one up it and work my baby vamps too. Isa and Mael.  Isa is from Spain made by accident, completely sexual, wonderfully outspoken, and seeking something she can't find.  Mael, from Ireland, an instinctively protective family man, who lost everything, M found him at his most desperate, and she felt something for him. 

Each of these "characters" is insight into me, they are a piece of me; part of my personality, yea a bit exaggerated. 

So an accident occured, one opportunity out the door but on the heels came another!  I mentioned Mael to my writer/director friend, just shooting from the hip.  He was asking about my creative side.  Knows all about my demented mind for make up, special effects design (thats like a million other blogs)... but it was my writing that he was asking about he's read some, very little poetry of mine.  He asked if I had ever written short stories.  I said no, but then Mael's character came to mind... and I said, "sorta".  He asked for an elaboration on Mael.  Yea, he was hooked. (Thank goodness I did my research there too!)  The next day I am getting bombarded with questions about my characters.  He asks can I write about them? 

Oh crap.  Ummmm.  I trust you, so yea.  Ummm... Then he assured me that they were my intellectual property.  Haha. Alright.  Well, its is him, and he does owe me.  Fine, I will humor the idea.  That was Thursday.  Friday goober- aka Matt had a golf game with some friends of his.  Three of which are producers/writers/directors... guys in the industry.  Anyhow, two were extremely interested in the info that he had!  Since then, it has been GREEN light.... get this stuff on paper, work on these characters.  Get some storylines together.  I had no clue how much goes into stuff.  But before words can actually be spoken plots can be developed Matt wants to make sure these are strong characters.  Since they aren't his, they are mine, he wants all kinda info.  doing my research making sure they all have strong back stories... making sure that they behave consitant.

So this is where I am now in life... playing with these three "characters".... interesting their individual views on random things.  Funny to pick them each up and put them on like a favorite shirt.  Even more funny to have someone pick that same shirt up and try to figure out how its made.  Good stuff.  I am completely overwhelmed and overjoyed with all of it.

I am being as real as I can....

i wish someone could just open me up and look inside to see what the feelings are. ya, yea... i am a flirt.  nothing new.  but when it comes down to it.... i don't play games.  none of it.  i am sincere,  ask me.  tell me, communication is a two way street.  my feelings are unconditional always have been, again, its who i am.  i can appreciate every friendship in my life for its uniqueness.  the only expectation i have is for you to be present in my life, let me be there for you... and would appreciate the shoulder to lean on occasionally.

so i have been writing, filing out forms that my screen writer sent about my characters.  excited about the possibility of something manifesting from my imagination, actual 3D work!  opening up their personalities, trying them on.... bahaha!  well they are created from my mind with help from lots of research.  its nice to revisit my old "friends".