take the red pill and see how deep the rabbit hole goes

I had this migraine yesterday and my body aches.  More than that I did something stupid.  I had some crazy dream last night.  I know no control over your dreams, blah, blah, blah.  Whatever.  So it got my muse restless.... there was some stuff brought up in the dream... that got her stirring. 

Basically left me feeling extremely empty.  BOO! Well I don't do that well. So I got up and just let it all out, everything that was inside, got caught up on paper.  Some of it is hurt, pain... but not all.  There is an overwhelming amount of hope and healing in the words.  I am scared to post.  It still seems to real all that came out.  I just let my pen go, and the paper was there to support me. 

I don't know what it means other than I had feelings to express. 

I am at a place in my life where I am very grateful for those who are in my life.  I want to support their dreams and aspirations as much as I want my own success.  Ready to take things head on.  It upsets me to see someone hurting, always been that way, wishing I could take some of that burden on so that they wouldn't have to deal with it.  I understand that it is their struggle to take on.  But its hard to sit back and watch sometimes.  I just don't like seeing people in pain or hurting or being mad...

I guess that's what most of the dream was about.  Learned along time ago, that it is possible for me to manipulate my dreams; used to have terrible nightmares as a kid... horrific.  One of the therapists I went to (yea, I said it, oooohhhh so taboo, blah) gave me some tools to get myself out of those situations... stop the panic in the dreams.  The tools are pretty useful.  More so I am so used to having them at my dispose that they are virtually in every dream I have.  It's like a fire alarm.  That's the best analogy I can use.  At anytime I can find the item and change the dream.  Hummm sounds like a few different movies. 

Okay so Morpheus lets take the red pill and see how deep the rabbit hole goes.  YUP.  That's what happened exploring the dream and that is where all the poetry came out of.  I just let it be.  Just wanted to see what would spill forth.  There is a huge range of things inside me.  Wasn't aware to the depths of the feelings I tapped or how much certain people mean to me; even funnier?  The lack of feelings for others OOOOO!  Exhausted because it was a lot of emotion.  But I am better on the other side.  Resolving feelings and situations internally.  In a good place now. 

I sent a few text messages to friends earlier today, because looking at statuses it just seemed like everyone was having this kinda blah kinda day.  So why not tell those I appreciate and care about most that care and appreciate them.  Overwhelming responses back, I wasn't quite prepared for the response.  Those I have yet to hear back from.. eh.. I hope that the message still found them well. 

My body still aches, my soul is rejoicing though... and my heart is full but reserved.  It's just what I feel, the result of that dream. 

Not sure how much of this makes sense, the inside of my brain is mush.  I know that I am on the right path in life at the moment.  I took a big detour to get here but I am here.  And that detour I learned a lot about myself.  No regrets, because that's not how I live. Everything has a reason.

With a grateful heart I continue doing what I do....

Clearning out space

Hasn't quite been a week of posting positive affirmations but things are starting to change, manifest positive outcomes.  Yes, I am walking that walk too, not just talking!

Change can happen.  Change your mind, change your thoughts... Move through the crap, cut out the unproductive vine... keep on moving forward. You will be like the cream, rising to the top!  Small changes can result in big things happening, this is something that I have seen, this last week.  --- all of these statements are things that have been said to me this week by friends! 
I know general statements.  Gonna start off with today's affirmation and progress from there, explaining a bit how it applies and what happened to me.  You get what you project, its why I wanted to work on the affirmations, laws of attraction.


"I attract only healthy relationships"

This last week, oh wow.  The good people in my life those supporting the positive changes those who want to be a part of this and get behind me, are there.  FIRMLY there!  BTW, HECK YEA!  I have never felt so much positive energy, so much positive support.  I am a happy girl, personally.  Feeling validated in a major way.  Things are moving the way they should be.  There are always the negative energy, the haters.  Its pretty interesting that I had that force come at me twice.  DONE.  There just isn't any room in my life for it. 

If I allow the negative, its like I have said for the last few years... let me use the analogy of a closet... spring cleaning.  What do you do?  You organize, toss out the stuff that doesn't fit, is out of date, or style, purge the stuff out of the closet that isn't working for you.... why?  To make room for the good stuff!  For new stuff.  If you hang on to the negative, then there isn't room for the positive.  I have taken this analogy and ran with it for a while, remembering to clear out that negative energy out of my life out of my personal space every so often.... when I purposely make space for positive energy, relationships, I always get them.  YES!  It's totally worth the change.  Completely worth it the trust in the process. 

Life hasn't always been this positive for me.  We all have stories.  Here's the raw part from me... Victim of rape, abuse (mental, emotional, and physical), caustic relationships.   That is just the tip of the iceberg.  Not wanting to wear that "victim status" yea, it happened.  At some point I may go into those subjects, its actually pretty likely, this is a fairly new blog.  Peeling off the layers slower.  I do firmly believe, that you can be the 'victim' your whole life, or  you can take it, run with it... wear what happened to you, like a badge, say you went through it.  It MAKES you who you are at this very moment.  I am a very loving person and trusting despite all that has happened.  I won't let some bad choices of others change me, that to me, lets them have that part of me, that uniqueness. NOPE.  I am who I am, they won't change it.  Projecting the positive. 

There are about eight affirmations that I see on a daily basis, sticky noted.  Its subliminal messages at this point, something is sticking to the inside of my subconscious too, its working.  The positive relationship affirmation has been on my mirror since Monday.  lol, things have happened, changes, and all for the better. 

Good things are happening.  And I am open to the idea of more good things happening.  Diversity happens too, challenge, there will always be something out there to try and shake it up and make things difficult.  I have, as this week has proved, a wonderful support system. 

Speaking of that system.... I owe some HUGE thank yous to people in my life.  In the midst of diversity, the stood there, told me they had my back, gave me words of encouragement, and let me be me.  They didn't "fix it for me".  They just let me know that the answer lied within and within my trust in GOD.  They ROCK.  I am still grateful for so much. 

I know I have done my share of leaning this week.  This works both ways.  All those people in my life, I am there for them too.  I will be (this blog is my witness) your biggest cheerleader (fan), your shoulder should you need me, a safe place to tell your secrets to, and if you trust me enough with your dreams.  I will help you get there, moving mountains if we need to one grain of sand at a time.  Let me be there, and I will. 

Still shooting for the moon! 
I know random blog again.  Yikes, but these thoughts and ideas need to go somewhere.  They have to manifest.  Thanks for reading. 

A heart full of gratitude, I keep on moving forward.

keeping it real

Oo.  I have incredible people in my life!  INCREDIBLE.  I love their honesty and who they all are.  Things have been a bit interesting the last couple of days.  Interesting good, but still interesting. 

Gonna be positive about it, even the not so pleasant parts, and gonna say that its an opportunity for growth.  In actuality, 85% of it was good!  The rest is just change.  I am getting set in my ways.  Change not coming as easily to me either.  LOL.  Like that writing process and me fighting the edits, but I did it.  I could wring Matt's neck too, because he says, "yea we are going back to most of the original... I didn't see the 'big picture' til now."  Thanks.  LOVE YOU TOO!  *breathing*  what else can I do?  I have to just trust in the process.

trust in the process... hummmm

Change.  I did cut that 'unproductive vine', Sir!  Moving on, I don't have place in my life for that.  Yes, Sir, you were correct.  Congrats calling it for what it is.  I do listen to my friends, I am also incredibly hopeful.  DW, and LJ, I at some point will figure it out, that's gentlemen for your patience.  Kimmie, Ryan, and Papi you were right too, with you f**k 'em statements!  Yikes.  Thanks Cookie for trying to keep the boat afloat for so long, it was a sinking ship.  Jenn and Allie, yup... See I just need to be V8 face palmed every so often.  Point is, I got nothin' but love for my friends and their ability to be honest with me.  YOU ALL ROCK!   

Still wonderfully blessed with who is IN my life, that they get me, that they want to see me succeed too.  YEA!  Its wonderful to know that I have that soft place to fall, to be me, to be held when I need to... but that they all still also share in my successes.  COME ON PEOPLE, we got this.  Shooting for the stars here.  And I am taking all of you with me!  Its growth, its moving forward, its on to wonderful dreams and possibilities.  Being positive that we can all accomplish our dreams.  I promise each one of you if you share those aspirations with me, and I will encourage you along too.

Yowzers, awake since 4:30 and still going

I have a bit of a break from the writing while things are being reviewed.... so why not blog?  Two dreams one night!  Neither connected wow, extremes of them both.  I think my poor little subconcious is confused.  Going to give more details on the first, the second is kinda my guilty pleasure.  And I've experienced dreams vanishing if I talk to much about them. 

Alright admittidly I am not an early bird... shhhh, laughing isn't nice!  I am a night owl.  Normally being awake before the sun, means I didn't go to bed.  Haha.  Yea, this morning I had one of those dreams... THOSE dreams.  Yea, I have been told that not everyone dreams in color, though I don't understand.  Now I don't always have spoken words in my dreams, or well, the full spectrum of sound and smell, taste... the whole sensory thing can be varied.  I don't know how it works.  I have had some very, very random dreams. 

Actually starting out figuring out what the heck was going on with one of my "usual dreams" and then skipped around abit.  I am still kinda confused about the first dream and why I went back to that location.  The first dream woke me up but I was able to go back to sleep.  I have written about the confusion of this dream before... Yea its the birthday party dream... OMG.  Where did this show up from.  Its all black and white, which isn't like me at all!  And then the table with the gifts, wtf?  And now there were anothers that I hadn't seen before.  WOW.  And that flower, that flower that I have seen in the context of that dream.  Ah huh.  Odd. 

Backing up... the month before my 29th birthday, I started having a strange dream.  As I mentioned I dream in color... The rest of the senses kinda change depending on the dream.  Sometimes even the colors are more visual.  It was pieces of the dream.  All the same dream it was black and white!  It would be different parts, getting a few min here or a few there... Sometimes I can go in and manipulate them (that's another conversation, learned how to do that as a child because my dreams are so vivid), but I had no luck doing that.  It was a movie of sorts just unfolding.  Okay, alright.  So see how far we can push through.  Started keeping my dream journal again, because of this strange dream that would be on and off again.  The night of my birthday, I had the dream in its entirety.  WOW. 

Crazy dream.  As I said I have written it before.  All my family was in this room, there was a party going on at my aunt's house, my birthday party.  We were all in the living room talking.  Some surreal conversation.  It still flips me out who was there and how they presented themselves.  Yea, not getting into that, here, because I still have too many questions.   There was a second part to the dream.  A table of presents, gifts that had been brought by everyone at the party.  I saw this throughout the night, but like a kid I was told not to peek.  Haha.  My fam knows me well.  By the end of the night the table was over come with gifts, all shapes sizes, bags, boxes, wrapped... all different.  Some from the size of a jewlery box to the three on the floor that were the size of a small fridge.  This is the part of the dream that I visit most often.  Not what was said, but the table itself!  I was told, not audiably but told by the person who was walking me around, that the gift inside every box was the same. OMG.  How could that be.  She said, all different wrappings its the same gift, the presentation is the only difference.  Again she got that puzzled look.  She told me that they were all LOVE, and all in the same amount... O.o.  WOW. Profound.  I was told I could look at the boxs but no unwrapping, because that would be examining the gift, and that was never appropriate!  Yea, so I will often go back to this table, and just when I think I have examined every gift, seen ever box, container, bag, touched the tissue paper... I find more.  I know, geez, trying to keep it together writing over here.  Funnier yet, there are always a few that I "see" without names... or discriptions, actually NONE of them have names, but they are obvious as to who they are from. Haha, its the personality with which they are wrapped, and the energy that goes into that.  I often find some that I am just clueless as to the giver.  Hummm.  Only later to stop and say, wait.  Okay.  Its odd.  The dream is in black and white, but the gifts aren't.  I am not sure why.  But I never question it. 

Last night brought up 8 more gifts.  Did I mention I have my favorite gifts on the table?  The packages I am most drawn to.  See so much of this mimics what is in my life already.  My guide throughout the dream... is the same.  I cannot always talk to her.... but well 70% of the time I can and she responds.  I am not getting into those details either.  I all sounds so hokey... expecially all together.  It's not but I feel the disbelief all the time from others who I talk to it about.  Its rather annoying because I want them to validate it.  Point is I can do that on my own.  I know it exists.  Its my way of dealing with everyone in my life.  Subconciously. There were a few I couldn't touch last night, and the frustration woke me up. 

Back to sleep I went... COMPLETELY different dream, someone flipped the switch!

The second just set my muse on fire.  Color, texture, taste, smell, feeling, yikes;  sensory overload but in the best possible way!  Some remote villa with a beach about a hundred feet away.  The clean scent of the surf and the gentle breeze across bare skin, not to mention the fact that the villa was open on three sides, so you could enjoy the views.  Gorgeous blue green water and white sand.  The sound of a shower was so relaxing, and the bed was so inviting I remember turning over to go back to sleep.  And wow, he was there.  *giggle*  Incredible.  Fantastic dream.  Seemed so real.  Waking up ugh... well no recovering from that, so I got up and started writing. 

INSPIRED!!!!!  Laura gave me a worksheet yesterday and emailed me a set of questions to start things rolling, she has been in numberous creative writing classes... so it was game on.  Matt wants my words.  Haha.  SMH.  Something about how I'm in every character, he doesn't quite have it yet.  Close, but he asked me to write.  He said short story can be made into a part of it.  Just keep on keeping on.  Submitted my work so far.  And in the couple hr break I have had, its been good.  Only one revision, back to my email to work on.  But my instructions are to step back for just a bit, before I open that email.  He doesn't want frustration and he's afraid it may happen since I just wrote it.  Ahhh, priceless to work with someone who gets you.