I had this migraine yesterday and my body aches. More than that I did something stupid. I had some crazy dream last night. I know no control over your dreams, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. So it got my muse restless.... there was some stuff brought up in the dream... that got her stirring.
Basically left me feeling extremely empty. BOO! Well I don't do that well. So I got up and just let it all out, everything that was inside, got caught up on paper. Some of it is hurt, pain... but not all. There is an overwhelming amount of hope and healing in the words. I am scared to post. It still seems to real all that came out. I just let my pen go, and the paper was there to support me.
I don't know what it means other than I had feelings to express.
I am at a place in my life where I am very grateful for those who are in my life. I want to support their dreams and aspirations as much as I want my own success. Ready to take things head on. It upsets me to see someone hurting, always been that way, wishing I could take some of that burden on so that they wouldn't have to deal with it. I understand that it is their struggle to take on. But its hard to sit back and watch sometimes. I just don't like seeing people in pain or hurting or being mad...
I guess that's what most of the dream was about. Learned along time ago, that it is possible for me to manipulate my dreams; used to have terrible nightmares as a kid... horrific. One of the therapists I went to (yea, I said it, oooohhhh so taboo, blah) gave me some tools to get myself out of those situations... stop the panic in the dreams. The tools are pretty useful. More so I am so used to having them at my dispose that they are virtually in every dream I have. It's like a fire alarm. That's the best analogy I can use. At anytime I can find the item and change the dream. Hummm sounds like a few different movies.
Okay so Morpheus lets take the red pill and see how deep the rabbit hole goes. YUP. That's what happened exploring the dream and that is where all the poetry came out of. I just let it be. Just wanted to see what would spill forth. There is a huge range of things inside me. Wasn't aware to the depths of the feelings I tapped or how much certain people mean to me; even funnier? The lack of feelings for others OOOOO! Exhausted because it was a lot of emotion. But I am better on the other side. Resolving feelings and situations internally. In a good place now.
I sent a few text messages to friends earlier today, because looking at statuses it just seemed like everyone was having this kinda blah kinda day. So why not tell those I appreciate and care about most that care and appreciate them. Overwhelming responses back, I wasn't quite prepared for the response. Those I have yet to hear back from.. eh.. I hope that the message still found them well.
My body still aches, my soul is rejoicing though... and my heart is full but reserved. It's just what I feel, the result of that dream.
Not sure how much of this makes sense, the inside of my brain is mush. I know that I am on the right path in life at the moment. I took a big detour to get here but I am here. And that detour I learned a lot about myself. No regrets, because that's not how I live. Everything has a reason.
With a grateful heart I continue doing what I do....
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
darker times.
Okay I did mention that these "characters" I have created... these fictional characters I am writing about, developing their interwining storylines... they are rooted partly in my personality. Exaggerated facets of my personality.. But yes.
Matt saved M&M's character development til the end. And really I was offended initially. But rather smart, yea I said it... smart, blah. He went with the most simplistic of characters.... or who I am exibiting qualities of to the more complex. The story started with M&M's creation, it always has, she created the other two.
Now when she was initially thought up, created, whatever I was in a dark time in my life. I am not excusing anything, mearly explaining the facts. In a loveless marriage, away from my family, had the best friends anyone could ever imagine, but they didn't know all of me, we didn't have this everlong history, so they couldnt see that I wasn't "me". I don't think they could pick up on the fractures in me... the duality that covered the abuse.
I am not going to pretend or assume you have read the poetry to your right ---> lol (shameless plug) but I do go into those feelings of being alone, depressed, helpless... no bueno. Lots of stuff happened in those days. Often it was the people that I was interacting with through this character of "M&M" that saw what was actually going on. I know they all know there was mental and emotional abuse, and at the end they put two and two together to know that it went beyond that.
Anyhow you write what you know, or atleast its a good starting point. M&M was turned in a horrific act. She was a young teenager, innocent, and she was violated in the worst thing a being can do to another.. she was created in a very violent vulgar act. Without going too deep, I had my own "experience" with that dark side of humanity at about the same age. Too young to understand anything, wayyy to young.
M&M uses the rage and anger from that experience to seek revenge. She doesn't know how to love. She protects herself at all costs. Dog eat dog world. ;)
Like a century later, she, does marry, a man who has no clue she is a vamp. Haha. She wants to be loved. Its not a healthy relationship on any level. She becomes a black widow. Anger and hate and vengefulness just ooze from this little one. Her world is turned upside down with the Isa but more with the addition of Mael. Though she is still very clueless on what love is.
I begged and pleaded with Matt to let me write this much about her, because he is working so dillegantly on the storyline he won't give it up. Doesn't want too many details out there. LOL Opps. Nah. He has the approval on this, as long as you see it published. ;)
PS. I am soo not this person any longer... well parts of it I wear, and will take with me always. But I do see things differently. Anger and hatred have no place in my heart. I was the victim too long to continue to "play" that card. So I am a survivor, I wear it proud. I found the strength and courage to get out, and it gives me some unique perspective into life. Everything happens for a reason and it is not my right to question that reason.
Matt saved M&M's character development til the end. And really I was offended initially. But rather smart, yea I said it... smart, blah. He went with the most simplistic of characters.... or who I am exibiting qualities of to the more complex. The story started with M&M's creation, it always has, she created the other two.
Now when she was initially thought up, created, whatever I was in a dark time in my life. I am not excusing anything, mearly explaining the facts. In a loveless marriage, away from my family, had the best friends anyone could ever imagine, but they didn't know all of me, we didn't have this everlong history, so they couldnt see that I wasn't "me". I don't think they could pick up on the fractures in me... the duality that covered the abuse.
I am not going to pretend or assume you have read the poetry to your right ---> lol (shameless plug) but I do go into those feelings of being alone, depressed, helpless... no bueno. Lots of stuff happened in those days. Often it was the people that I was interacting with through this character of "M&M" that saw what was actually going on. I know they all know there was mental and emotional abuse, and at the end they put two and two together to know that it went beyond that.
Anyhow you write what you know, or atleast its a good starting point. M&M was turned in a horrific act. She was a young teenager, innocent, and she was violated in the worst thing a being can do to another.. she was created in a very violent vulgar act. Without going too deep, I had my own "experience" with that dark side of humanity at about the same age. Too young to understand anything, wayyy to young.
M&M uses the rage and anger from that experience to seek revenge. She doesn't know how to love. She protects herself at all costs. Dog eat dog world. ;)
Like a century later, she, does marry, a man who has no clue she is a vamp. Haha. She wants to be loved. Its not a healthy relationship on any level. She becomes a black widow. Anger and hate and vengefulness just ooze from this little one. Her world is turned upside down with the Isa but more with the addition of Mael. Though she is still very clueless on what love is.
I begged and pleaded with Matt to let me write this much about her, because he is working so dillegantly on the storyline he won't give it up. Doesn't want too many details out there. LOL Opps. Nah. He has the approval on this, as long as you see it published. ;)
PS. I am soo not this person any longer... well parts of it I wear, and will take with me always. But I do see things differently. Anger and hatred have no place in my heart. I was the victim too long to continue to "play" that card. So I am a survivor, I wear it proud. I found the strength and courage to get out, and it gives me some unique perspective into life. Everything happens for a reason and it is not my right to question that reason.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Time for reflection...
Alright, this one isn't poetry. LOL. Today is a great excuse for reflection. It has always been a more "internal day" for me. The Catholic upbringing instilled Good Friday as a quiet kinda day, preparing for Holy Saturday and ultimately Easter.
As a kid, I remember vividly going up A mountain for the stations of the cross with the Newman community. I miss those days. This time of year, it's a bit warm out and in the afternoon, when we would start it was always a trek. The real challenge was making it all the way to the top. Of course there was always that final push. Dad and I would go together when I was little and then in high school I decided just to go no matter what. Regardless if we made it to the top, we still made it through all the stations. Praying the rosary the whole time. A gentle strength, preparation.... came from this meditation. There is normally a simple soup supper later in the evening at the church as well. Really, its just a veggie based soup and bread. Nada mas. Being Catholic no meat on Friday, during lent, Good Friday is no exception. Me and the Catholic church have had our falling out (today is not the day to review the hows and whys), however it doesn't mean that I cannot reflect still. And that's where I was going with this post.
This week has been chalk full of trials. It really is pretty insane how many directions I have been pulled in. Some of the things success but most just stumbling blocks. Which I consider tests of character. Reminded of the book, The Dream Giver, by Bruce Wilkinson. One thing I do a lot is read... this book is something else full of inspiration, haven't picked it up in a while, maybe that too is a sign that I need to. The beginning of the book is a parable about a man named "Ordinary" who lives in a land of "Nobodies" (other people). Ordinary decides he wants to be a "Somebody".... to follow a different path, a dream. He goes through many trials on his path to become a Somebody. One of those obstacles is going through the Valley of the Giants. In this valley he meets the giants who try to stand in his way preventing his dreams. Moneyless, Corruption, Rejection, just to name a few, and he must get past them all in order to continue.
I feel like I am in that valley. (Interesting that a "valley" is a low point in a landscape, hummm. Light bulb moment, saving for later.) This week I have come across quite a few Giants. One or two are familiar. Needing to find that internal strength and be the warrior that I can be in order to defeat them. Not to say they won't return, no to get them out of the way of this dream.
I am grateful that I have some good morals to help with this battle. Still working on the details of WHO I am and what I bring to the table... There are some new tools in my toolbox in that regards; bringing new weapons to help disable those giants so I can continue upon my path.
I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself I am my own biggest stumbling block. Still learning, a work in progress. All I can do is take responsibility for my actions and accountability for my part... learn and move forward. I can't control the actions or reactions of others. As a promise to myself, I will be as honest and forthcoming as I can be, living life in the present, looking forward to the future and learning from the past. Hoping I have surrounded myself with individuals who understand I am not perfect but are willing to look past those imperfections and accept me for who I am and encouraging me when I do stumble to get up, dust off, and continue on my journey.
As a kid, I remember vividly going up A mountain for the stations of the cross with the Newman community. I miss those days. This time of year, it's a bit warm out and in the afternoon, when we would start it was always a trek. The real challenge was making it all the way to the top. Of course there was always that final push. Dad and I would go together when I was little and then in high school I decided just to go no matter what. Regardless if we made it to the top, we still made it through all the stations. Praying the rosary the whole time. A gentle strength, preparation.... came from this meditation. There is normally a simple soup supper later in the evening at the church as well. Really, its just a veggie based soup and bread. Nada mas. Being Catholic no meat on Friday, during lent, Good Friday is no exception. Me and the Catholic church have had our falling out (today is not the day to review the hows and whys), however it doesn't mean that I cannot reflect still. And that's where I was going with this post.
This week has been chalk full of trials. It really is pretty insane how many directions I have been pulled in. Some of the things success but most just stumbling blocks. Which I consider tests of character. Reminded of the book, The Dream Giver, by Bruce Wilkinson. One thing I do a lot is read... this book is something else full of inspiration, haven't picked it up in a while, maybe that too is a sign that I need to. The beginning of the book is a parable about a man named "Ordinary" who lives in a land of "Nobodies" (other people). Ordinary decides he wants to be a "Somebody".... to follow a different path, a dream. He goes through many trials on his path to become a Somebody. One of those obstacles is going through the Valley of the Giants. In this valley he meets the giants who try to stand in his way preventing his dreams. Moneyless, Corruption, Rejection, just to name a few, and he must get past them all in order to continue.
I feel like I am in that valley. (Interesting that a "valley" is a low point in a landscape, hummm. Light bulb moment, saving for later.) This week I have come across quite a few Giants. One or two are familiar. Needing to find that internal strength and be the warrior that I can be in order to defeat them. Not to say they won't return, no to get them out of the way of this dream.
I am grateful that I have some good morals to help with this battle. Still working on the details of WHO I am and what I bring to the table... There are some new tools in my toolbox in that regards; bringing new weapons to help disable those giants so I can continue upon my path.
I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself I am my own biggest stumbling block. Still learning, a work in progress. All I can do is take responsibility for my actions and accountability for my part... learn and move forward. I can't control the actions or reactions of others. As a promise to myself, I will be as honest and forthcoming as I can be, living life in the present, looking forward to the future and learning from the past. Hoping I have surrounded myself with individuals who understand I am not perfect but are willing to look past those imperfections and accept me for who I am and encouraging me when I do stumble to get up, dust off, and continue on my journey.
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