Challenged.

I was thinking driving this morning back home from my Starbucks outing which was a continuation of my Applebee's outing last night.  *grin*.  I felt good in my own skin. For the first time in a while, things were going well. I had a really great conversation and got my thoughts communicated across well.  I also heard what was being said.  Its nice being on the same track.  Trying to figure out the difference between a few days or weeks ago and now. 

So not but half an hr at most after I posted a status about a change in mentality in my life... it was challenged.  And confronted from an angle that I just wasn't expecting.  Yea I got defensive.  The change is for the better.  I have been lost for so long.  And I finally surrender, knowing I cannot do this on my own. 

There has been an internal struggle for sometime, but I discussed that two blogs ago.  Someone whom, I thought was behind me, turned out to be just there for his own things.  The moment I change (I am not allowed to grow, I guess, as a person) I get conditions, exceptions, and confronted with prejudices... that I am supposed to have?  How does that work.  Just because I have made a change, means I must be in this box over here.  And I have to abide by all "those" rules in the box????  This doesn't make sense to me.  I wasn't the one putting these restrictions on my feelings, on our relationship. 

The person I thought I'd get the most slack from about turning toward God, was my friend who is a Satanist.  Hummm, find it rather odd, that he actually was supportive.  This is not an issue to me on beliefs.  It's a personal decision to me; its because its a personal relationship.

I broke down.  Seems that he knows exactly the weaknesses, exactly what buttons to push.  But seriously?  If this is my only challenge to this... fine.  I know where he and I stand, there is a reason we are not together.  And ya know, maybe that's the reason we aren't really together.  Higher power?  Either way.  Tearing me down, apart, making me cry, and feel like crap for a positive decision I have made, isn't the way to make me love anything, anyone.  It's not healthy.  It may also be another excuse.  Well, I am not dealing with excuses. 

The difference between what was and what could be is what was is the past.  What could be is right in front of me and starting to take place.  Hummm..  See how that fits. 

Challenged yes.  Did it shake my faith NOPE.  If anything it actually validated the decisions.  My friends affirm my stance.  And although, I have one who I thought was important, disagreeing... The "t" chart is a bit imbalanced with those in favor. 

Sucks because I love this person for who he is, always have.  Somehow... I guess I am still giving more than I get.  The well is running dry in that area.  And my cup overflowth in others. 

I have an incredible support system.  And am now realizing that these people have been there the whole time.  Incredibly blessed and humbled to be in HIS light. 

Still gonna be positive, I will at some point see the silver lining even on the darkest of clouds.  Haven't given  up hope on anything yet.  It's not like me.  Eternal optimist.  Still going to pray for patience and understanding.  
Maybe I spoke in circles, I am pretty tired, this just drained me today.  Time to get some rest for the night.  Focusing on the good, the new, the great things, opportunity,  and people I have in my life.  That is where my energy should be anyhow.  I know that those people can't help but make me smile.

We're Positive!

Yea, call it the "Kirby Girl" in me, or something like that.  Sam, yes, Boss man, you so programed me... it took two days, and lots of correction but I finally was able to answer the phone and make those calls, confidence and positive.  Incredible growth during that time.  I had to be positive in everything.  We were to answer the phone with enthusiasm and say "We're Positive".  The sales calls or calls to enter contests from the customers home ALWAYS had to be excited, ready to go, over the top... with positive.  If it was something negative (a no, to the price or a no to the purchase, we couldn't say that, we HAD to make it positive, had to!)  Oh the lectures!  Haha!! Fake it until you make it, and then they will never know you faked it!  Lots of great memories, and one of the best bosses I have worked for, motivating force. 

So, looking over things for my test, my recertification.  I noticed something.  Well, yea, I realized how awesome my pro-d book is, even better the notes I took in that class.  WHOOOHOO!  Somehow it all blended together, sorry Mr. Sanders, I know, it was 5:30pm-10:30pm after a full time job.  My bad.  But Sir, I did take notes, and thorough.  Bet you didn't think you'd continue to hear thank yous seven years later.

Speaking of Jon Sanders, I gave him a book back then... The Dream Giver, Bruce Wilkinson.  Honestly, I have read only the first half of the book.  (confession, I know).  Its a parable, though, it reads pretty fast.  Its about a "Some body" from "Ordinary" who is surrounded by "Nobody".  He wants to stand out, wants to be a great "Somebody".  He has to overcome fears and challenges along the way... His journey is great. 

I digress... this was supposed to be about me getting my certification back.  Going through everything sparked lots of stuff.  But one of the BIG things, and I was told it was a great idea by a few people today... is looking at positive affirmations.  So everyday, gonna work on posting at least one of those a day.  I am on FB all the time, and starting up my twitter account again.  Haha, long story.  But why not BE that light, to more than just one person, why not just continue to share it amongst my friends. 

I mean I am always positive in the morning, and try minus my rants, to keep it positive.  This is really an extension of that, thinking of it as my note on the mirror for the day.  LOL.  BTW, I have one on each of my mirrors in my room.  Just gonna list it as the affirmation for the day, see if it goes anywhere.  I hope it takes off.  Hope it makes people think.  Hope that it can give people just a bit of hope... something.  There is so much negative out there, so many things we encounter everyday.  Outside forces that tear at us emotionally, mentally, physically.  I hope to just be that light. Even if its for a few moments...I think this is another facet of Matt's question the other night,  WHY?  My response is still, WHY THE HECK NOT?!

Time for reflection...

Alright, this one isn't poetry.  LOL.  Today is a great excuse for reflection.  It has always been a more "internal day" for me.  The Catholic upbringing instilled Good Friday as a quiet kinda day, preparing for Holy Saturday and ultimately Easter. 
As a kid, I remember vividly going up A mountain for the stations of the cross with the Newman community.  I miss those days.  This time of year, it's a bit warm out and in the afternoon, when we would start it was always a trek.  The real challenge was making it all the way to the top.  Of course there was always that final push.  Dad and I would go together when I was little and then in high school I decided just to go no matter what.  Regardless if we made it to the top, we still made it through all the stations.  Praying the rosary the whole time.  A gentle strength, preparation.... came from this meditation.  There is normally a simple soup supper later in the evening at the church as well.  Really, its just a veggie based soup and bread.  Nada mas.  Being Catholic no meat on Friday, during lent, Good Friday is no exception.  Me and the Catholic church have had our falling out (today is not the day to review the hows and whys), however it doesn't mean that I cannot reflect still.  And that's where I was going with this post. 

This week has been chalk full of trials.  It really is pretty insane how many directions I have been pulled in.  Some of the things success but most just stumbling blocks.  Which I consider tests of character.  Reminded of the book, The Dream Giver, by Bruce Wilkinson.  One thing I do a lot is read... this book is something else full of inspiration, haven't picked it up in a while, maybe that too is a sign that I need to.  The beginning of the book is a parable about a man named "Ordinary" who lives in a land of "Nobodies" (other people).  Ordinary decides he wants to be a "Somebody".... to follow a different path, a dream.  He goes through many trials on his path to become a Somebody.  One of those obstacles is going through the Valley of the Giants.  In this valley he meets the giants who try to stand in his way preventing his dreams.  Moneyless, Corruption, Rejection, just to name a few, and he must get past them all in order to continue. 

I feel like I am in that valley.  (Interesting that a "valley" is a low point in a landscape, hummm.  Light bulb moment, saving for later.)  This week I have come across quite a few Giants.  One or two are familiar.  Needing to find that internal strength and be the warrior that I can be in order to defeat them.  Not to say they won't return, no to get them out of the way of this dream.

I am grateful that I have some good morals to help with this battle. Still working on the details of WHO I am and what I bring to the table... There are some new tools in my toolbox in that regards; bringing new weapons to help disable those giants so I can continue upon my path. 

I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself I am my own biggest stumbling block.  Still learning, a work in progress.  All I can do is take responsibility for my actions and accountability for my part... learn and move forward.   I can't control the actions or reactions of others.  As a promise to myself, I will be as honest and forthcoming as I can be, living life in the present, looking forward to the future and learning from the past.  Hoping I have surrounded myself with individuals who understand I am not perfect but are willing to look past those imperfections and accept me for who I am and encouraging me when I do stumble to get up, dust off, and continue on my journey.