Sitting here and writing again... Feels like a comfortable pair of jeans. Just picked up and put back on... Everthing feels easy. The characters... even my poems just flow. I guess there is a time and a place as long as we are willing to get out of our own way sometimes, things happen. Good things too!
I was kinda, well not kinda, pretty darn upset yesterday. LOL. Seems that I have become pretty opinionated as to what I will tolerate and what I won't, was rubbed the wrong way. Irritated isn't the beginning of it. But well some good came of it. Matt challanged me to write a heck of a scene, gave me the pirameters and told me to run with it. I asked how many pages, he said, three or half an hr, which ever happens first. Well they were about the same time. I sent it to him. His reply? HOLY CRAP, I should piss you off more often. Wow. Nice, eh? He ment it as a compliment and that was what the subsequent texts said... but well yea. I was done with the negativity... at that point. A few people had made me laugh. Yea, that screws up me being pissed.
So things are lining up. Working themselves out. And I can't help but hear this little voice in my head that someone once told me that once I got my feet back under me I would become just this kinda opinionated again. COOL. I am getting back to being me FINALLY! Yes, little voice, if you are reading, thank you.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
Going on about my business....
Got so many irons in the fire lately, but I kinda like it that way. Seems that there are about five million up and coming projects and things that could use my attention. While there are some that I am MOST CERTAINLY on board with there are others that I can opt into or out of. Exciting all the movement and change and opportunity for that matter. LOVE my friends and what they have done support where I am now and the stage of growth. It's really a platform to see where the next part of my life will lead. Keep on being me. That is what has afforded me my most recent job and my prospect for next year... me being who I am. Great because I am best at that! Ever hopeful, ever optimistic.... seeing the best in people and opportunity that happens to cross my path or the ones that I will make cross my path.... good stuff. EXCITED about what the future holds, for the first time in a long time... I wanna peek around that corner.
I know there will be stumbling points and road blocks along the way especially as I get closer to where I want to be, but its part of life. Part of making sure that its where you really wanna be. I am focusing on ME (the best I can, I still don't center my world around ME and ONLY ME) and seeing where the rest kinda falls. So far, so good. Things seem to be just where they should and when they should.
I know I am loved.... That goes without saying. And that knowledge well I have used it to heal.... become stronger than I ever have been. There are so many differences about the way I see things now than I did three months ago. But there are somethings that still never change. Seriously? I watched a movie, went out to see it the other night.... and the lead character, crap, I understood EXACTLY what he was saying. LOL. Went so far as to say that I am JUST LIKE HIM... to which my friend chimed in YES, YES, YOU ARE! Ummmm thanks for agreeing, I think. The character said he puts a lot of trust in people and he does it from the get go. Most of the time they rise up and show that they are worthy of the trust. Sometimes it burns him. I was playing the role of the bobble head in the theater, just nodding at this point, lol. I GET THAT. Then later in the movie, his sisters (the character) were saying how much he loved his dog... that he loved him unconditionally... they said NO ONE loves like he does he loves unconditionally. Oh crap how I wanted to just say YES that is sooo me!
Its an odd position, I realize that my feelings aren't "normal" nor how I present them are.... I know I get burned. I get that. Some people, and there will always be some people who just take advantage of it. But I will never give those people the victory to think they have changed me. They really haven't. I still love the way I love and trust the way I trust. From a good chunk of people I am respected because of how I am and who I am. Pretty awesome. Oddly enough... there are only two people I don't really care if I have in my life again ever... Everyone else, well, I kinda miss. LOL. I guess I can see beyond the hurt... I know that I loved them. And to me that loved and positive creative energy that I put in, is just so much more than whatever negative bs happened at the end. I forgive, let go, and move on (notice I didn't say forget, that is intentional). But its bigger than me holding a grudge. Love doesn't have a place for that kinda resentment, and I am pretty sure its because I love the way I do that I just don't hang on to the bad stuff. I mean it happened, but really I can't control anything but my own actions and reactions... and doesn't it just take all the steam out of it to just say screw it and let go of the anger and pain... resolve it on my own... Heck, even the two that I really don't care to ever have in my life again... I have forgiven... doesn't mean I am gonna go run up and ask them to be my bff.
Today was another odd day at work, the daily grind. Eh.... Idk it's not that work is HARD, it's just frustrating sometimes, but.... can't let it get to me. Changing speeds and directions (away from "my 9-5" <---which is not 9-5 at all) lol. Good news is-- the deadline due is now Wednesday instead of Sunday. I have a few more days to work on the short entry. The poems have gone back to Sugars' boss and I should hear what they think of it at the "big boss's" in ATL sometime next week, same publisher that has asked about the stuff Matt and I are working on. I was invited out a spoken word event on Monday night, I may go just see the scene instead of participate. Depends on how brave I am feeling. The "eh" day at work led to 12 poems! So much for reading my book, but I got to organize my thoughts. Two journal entries too. Feels like some space has been cleared or at least sorted in my mind.
I know there will be stumbling points and road blocks along the way especially as I get closer to where I want to be, but its part of life. Part of making sure that its where you really wanna be. I am focusing on ME (the best I can, I still don't center my world around ME and ONLY ME) and seeing where the rest kinda falls. So far, so good. Things seem to be just where they should and when they should.
I know I am loved.... That goes without saying. And that knowledge well I have used it to heal.... become stronger than I ever have been. There are so many differences about the way I see things now than I did three months ago. But there are somethings that still never change. Seriously? I watched a movie, went out to see it the other night.... and the lead character, crap, I understood EXACTLY what he was saying. LOL. Went so far as to say that I am JUST LIKE HIM... to which my friend chimed in YES, YES, YOU ARE! Ummmm thanks for agreeing, I think. The character said he puts a lot of trust in people and he does it from the get go. Most of the time they rise up and show that they are worthy of the trust. Sometimes it burns him. I was playing the role of the bobble head in the theater, just nodding at this point, lol. I GET THAT. Then later in the movie, his sisters (the character) were saying how much he loved his dog... that he loved him unconditionally... they said NO ONE loves like he does he loves unconditionally. Oh crap how I wanted to just say YES that is sooo me!
Its an odd position, I realize that my feelings aren't "normal" nor how I present them are.... I know I get burned. I get that. Some people, and there will always be some people who just take advantage of it. But I will never give those people the victory to think they have changed me. They really haven't. I still love the way I love and trust the way I trust. From a good chunk of people I am respected because of how I am and who I am. Pretty awesome. Oddly enough... there are only two people I don't really care if I have in my life again ever... Everyone else, well, I kinda miss. LOL. I guess I can see beyond the hurt... I know that I loved them. And to me that loved and positive creative energy that I put in, is just so much more than whatever negative bs happened at the end. I forgive, let go, and move on (notice I didn't say forget, that is intentional). But its bigger than me holding a grudge. Love doesn't have a place for that kinda resentment, and I am pretty sure its because I love the way I do that I just don't hang on to the bad stuff. I mean it happened, but really I can't control anything but my own actions and reactions... and doesn't it just take all the steam out of it to just say screw it and let go of the anger and pain... resolve it on my own... Heck, even the two that I really don't care to ever have in my life again... I have forgiven... doesn't mean I am gonna go run up and ask them to be my bff.
Today was another odd day at work, the daily grind. Eh.... Idk it's not that work is HARD, it's just frustrating sometimes, but.... can't let it get to me. Changing speeds and directions (away from "my 9-5" <---which is not 9-5 at all) lol. Good news is-- the deadline due is now Wednesday instead of Sunday. I have a few more days to work on the short entry. The poems have gone back to Sugars' boss and I should hear what they think of it at the "big boss's" in ATL sometime next week, same publisher that has asked about the stuff Matt and I are working on. I was invited out a spoken word event on Monday night, I may go just see the scene instead of participate. Depends on how brave I am feeling. The "eh" day at work led to 12 poems! So much for reading my book, but I got to organize my thoughts. Two journal entries too. Feels like some space has been cleared or at least sorted in my mind.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
In sickeness
I have spoken about my friend who is pretty ill. Been in the hospital several times. I was shoved out of his life at his own decision about five weeks ago. Hurt pretty bad. Still have the road rash (figuratively) from being tossed on my butt. While I was tending my wounds, only two weeks in I got a text saying he was in the hospital over night the week before.
Yea not some heartless b**ch so I text back. We started talking again. Idk. I feel bad for him. Really wanted and could see a promise of a relationship with this guy but seriously? Got burned pretty bad. Part of me, a big part of me closed off. Taking baby steps but I just don't think I could ever go back to what it once was. Trust is like a piece of paper.... when it's broken its crumpled... it can be straightened out but it is never what it was before it was ruined, you'll always see the wrinkles.
I have however tried to maintain a civil friendship with him... despite how surly he is.... got me thinking I thought I coulda done something less sever with another gentleman in my life who was half as argumentative as this one... idk if I could have. I mean I was way more dedicated and loved him much more... but would that have been enough. Maybe that is what is pushing me away from this one... because I know I cared about the other so much... maybe its subconsciously shoving me out. IDK. Everything happens for a reason right?
Leads me to my suspicions about this relationship... why? why now? When things get bad why do you cling to someone that you shoved away. Looks kinda suspicious... maybe that's what has me a bit off... whatever the reason. I am being cautious. Cautious is good. Though I don't think he is thrilled. Somehow backing wayyyy up off has got him on the chase. Fine... he just can't decide to have me and me be there. Not on my terms. He has to be nice... go figure, doesn't sound like a lot, but he is pretty cranky as of late, so its quite a challenge for him. Ha. Friends at most.... I don't see it going anywhere else right now.
Why does it take a near death experience to show you what you are missing? I don't understand... maybe I never will. Eh. Oh well. I know that he is a friend and no matter how sick he is he can be a friend... its who I am.... I am a friend unconditional, in sickness and in health.
Yea not some heartless b**ch so I text back. We started talking again. Idk. I feel bad for him. Really wanted and could see a promise of a relationship with this guy but seriously? Got burned pretty bad. Part of me, a big part of me closed off. Taking baby steps but I just don't think I could ever go back to what it once was. Trust is like a piece of paper.... when it's broken its crumpled... it can be straightened out but it is never what it was before it was ruined, you'll always see the wrinkles.
I have however tried to maintain a civil friendship with him... despite how surly he is.... got me thinking I thought I coulda done something less sever with another gentleman in my life who was half as argumentative as this one... idk if I could have. I mean I was way more dedicated and loved him much more... but would that have been enough. Maybe that is what is pushing me away from this one... because I know I cared about the other so much... maybe its subconsciously shoving me out. IDK. Everything happens for a reason right?
Leads me to my suspicions about this relationship... why? why now? When things get bad why do you cling to someone that you shoved away. Looks kinda suspicious... maybe that's what has me a bit off... whatever the reason. I am being cautious. Cautious is good. Though I don't think he is thrilled. Somehow backing wayyyy up off has got him on the chase. Fine... he just can't decide to have me and me be there. Not on my terms. He has to be nice... go figure, doesn't sound like a lot, but he is pretty cranky as of late, so its quite a challenge for him. Ha. Friends at most.... I don't see it going anywhere else right now.
Why does it take a near death experience to show you what you are missing? I don't understand... maybe I never will. Eh. Oh well. I know that he is a friend and no matter how sick he is he can be a friend... its who I am.... I am a friend unconditional, in sickness and in health.
Channeling my rhino.
Things are different. I know that change is the only constant in life. I don't think I was ready for ALL of it at the same time. Growth happens. I am constantly reminded of that. There is a friendship poem that says that friends are in your life for a reason, season, or lifetime. Yea, lost a few friendships, gained several more. Seems that one door always opens when one shuts.... Sometimes that door is a actually a window, letting in fresh air and light on a dark situation. Anyhow going with the flow of things is easier than being resistant to the change.
Pushing through the tough times makes us who we are ultimately it's those challenges that develop and show character. Keeping my head down and going forward... seeing the rhino that my (ex) Bossman said we all were.... (rhino's can't move backwards something about the way their shoulders are placed or rather displaced won't allow it.) and moving forward with momentum.... or rather charging forward.
Unique opportunities have developed because of the change and growth showing me that I am on the right path. Seems that when I ask for a sign I get it, thank you universe. I am happier, things are simpler and a bit more complex, but in a good way. I can see where there was once a foggy vision of the future. And I know where I want to be in a year or two at least and a sorta have a few ideas for a 10 yr plan... coming from someone who is very spontaneous that is incredible!
My only wish is that someone who was really close was still in my life... but alas I am only responsible for MY OWN decisions and ACTIONS... not theirs. Not something I will ever have to answer for. Miss 'em. And I have forgiven all the hurt because I loved, and I will never apologize for loving, it is so much greater than the anger could ever be. Even though things imploded... I still love you. *breathing* Self preservation won't let me reach out but I know where I am.
Pushing through the tough times makes us who we are ultimately it's those challenges that develop and show character. Keeping my head down and going forward... seeing the rhino that my (ex) Bossman said we all were.... (rhino's can't move backwards something about the way their shoulders are placed or rather displaced won't allow it.) and moving forward with momentum.... or rather charging forward.
Unique opportunities have developed because of the change and growth showing me that I am on the right path. Seems that when I ask for a sign I get it, thank you universe. I am happier, things are simpler and a bit more complex, but in a good way. I can see where there was once a foggy vision of the future. And I know where I want to be in a year or two at least and a sorta have a few ideas for a 10 yr plan... coming from someone who is very spontaneous that is incredible!
My only wish is that someone who was really close was still in my life... but alas I am only responsible for MY OWN decisions and ACTIONS... not theirs. Not something I will ever have to answer for. Miss 'em. And I have forgiven all the hurt because I loved, and I will never apologize for loving, it is so much greater than the anger could ever be. Even though things imploded... I still love you. *breathing* Self preservation won't let me reach out but I know where I am.
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