Got so many irons in the fire lately, but I kinda like it that way. Seems that there are about five million up and coming projects and things that could use my attention. While there are some that I am MOST CERTAINLY on board with there are others that I can opt into or out of. Exciting all the movement and change and opportunity for that matter. LOVE my friends and what they have done support where I am now and the stage of growth. It's really a platform to see where the next part of my life will lead. Keep on being me. That is what has afforded me my most recent job and my prospect for next year... me being who I am. Great because I am best at that! Ever hopeful, ever optimistic.... seeing the best in people and opportunity that happens to cross my path or the ones that I will make cross my path.... good stuff. EXCITED about what the future holds, for the first time in a long time... I wanna peek around that corner.
I know there will be stumbling points and road blocks along the way especially as I get closer to where I want to be, but its part of life. Part of making sure that its where you really wanna be. I am focusing on ME (the best I can, I still don't center my world around ME and ONLY ME) and seeing where the rest kinda falls. So far, so good. Things seem to be just where they should and when they should.
I know I am loved.... That goes without saying. And that knowledge well I have used it to heal.... become stronger than I ever have been. There are so many differences about the way I see things now than I did three months ago. But there are somethings that still never change. Seriously? I watched a movie, went out to see it the other night.... and the lead character, crap, I understood EXACTLY what he was saying. LOL. Went so far as to say that I am JUST LIKE HIM... to which my friend chimed in YES, YES, YOU ARE! Ummmm thanks for agreeing, I think. The character said he puts a lot of trust in people and he does it from the get go. Most of the time they rise up and show that they are worthy of the trust. Sometimes it burns him. I was playing the role of the bobble head in the theater, just nodding at this point, lol. I GET THAT. Then later in the movie, his sisters (the character) were saying how much he loved his dog... that he loved him unconditionally... they said NO ONE loves like he does he loves unconditionally. Oh crap how I wanted to just say YES that is sooo me!
Its an odd position, I realize that my feelings aren't "normal" nor how I present them are.... I know I get burned. I get that. Some people, and there will always be some people who just take advantage of it. But I will never give those people the victory to think they have changed me. They really haven't. I still love the way I love and trust the way I trust. From a good chunk of people I am respected because of how I am and who I am. Pretty awesome. Oddly enough... there are only two people I don't really care if I have in my life again ever... Everyone else, well, I kinda miss. LOL. I guess I can see beyond the hurt... I know that I loved them. And to me that loved and positive creative energy that I put in, is just so much more than whatever negative bs happened at the end. I forgive, let go, and move on (notice I didn't say forget, that is intentional). But its bigger than me holding a grudge. Love doesn't have a place for that kinda resentment, and I am pretty sure its because I love the way I do that I just don't hang on to the bad stuff. I mean it happened, but really I can't control anything but my own actions and reactions... and doesn't it just take all the steam out of it to just say screw it and let go of the anger and pain... resolve it on my own... Heck, even the two that I really don't care to ever have in my life again... I have forgiven... doesn't mean I am gonna go run up and ask them to be my bff.
Today was another odd day at work, the daily grind. Eh.... Idk it's not that work is HARD, it's just frustrating sometimes, but.... can't let it get to me. Changing speeds and directions (away from "my 9-5" <---which is not 9-5 at all) lol. Good news is-- the deadline due is now Wednesday instead of Sunday. I have a few more days to work on the short entry. The poems have gone back to Sugars' boss and I should hear what they think of it at the "big boss's" in ATL sometime next week, same publisher that has asked about the stuff Matt and I are working on. I was invited out a spoken word event on Monday night, I may go just see the scene instead of participate. Depends on how brave I am feeling. The "eh" day at work led to 12 poems! So much for reading my book, but I got to organize my thoughts. Two journal entries too. Feels like some space has been cleared or at least sorted in my mind.
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