Well (bleep)

Haha, Casandra, I totally used your words.  I HEART YOU, Gorgeous!  Is it tacky to refer to a blog in your blog?  I mean like a previous post???? Maybe well F that. 

http://mnmsnickers.blogspot.com/2011/05/humm-why-screw-that-why-not.html

That is me people, that is who I am.  I can expand and I will.  Life hasn't always been what it is right now... Take a trip with me back a few years, actually about a decade, give or take. 

I was living with my fiance.. we were going to be married.  Things were in a pretty good place.  We had the pre wedding parties, bachelor/bachelorette.  lmao.  My girls threw both!  I love them to pieces.  There were two that were the front runners of planning.  Now I was in a much different place than I am now, young, naive.  And much, much more "vanilla".  Grew up in a conservative catholic background.  My party was relatively harmless, but well my girls took him to partake in some very well, fetish kinda behaviors.  Not huge, at the time they were HUGE to me, but its all in context. 

He took it to mean that they gave their blessings on not just doing those activities but that he could go and cheat.  When did  I find out about this?  Hummm the day after the wedding!  NICE no one said shit to me the day before, because the bachelor party was two days prior, and no one said crap the day of... NOPE I find the bruises on him the day after, and inquire... NICE.  SUPER violation of trust at the inner most level. 

Well things aren't always smooth.  I was cheated on for most of my marriage.  Over it, there is a reason why we are divorced, not looking for the pity party just explaining the background, there is a purpose I swear.  Small town I know what he is doing.... worse yet if he was honest, there may have been room for a dialog about it, and it may have been acceptable (when I say may, I mean would have).... but he NEVER said anything.  LIES.  Complied by more lies. 

The abuse was mental and emotional.  I didn't think I was worth anything ever.  By the time I got to Oregon, the isolation made the abuse worse.  I was alone.  Very much alone, no fam, no friends.  So I made friends.  I was me, but shattered.  TWO very different people.  The me that was the shell and then the inner me that was broken.  I could be a good little actress but I lost much of myself inside of that act.  Another blog, I know... I digress. 

The friends I gained in Oregon are incredible.  Very much so the angels I needed, proof that God never gave up on me.  Always there, even when I didn't want them, always giving.  BC, the Sizemores, my boss ladies and gentlemen, and even my coworkers!  We were all one big happy, family... dysfunctionally functional.  If you have you gave, you shared.  No questions, ever... I love those people with all I have!  Incredible each and everyone of them.  INCREDIBLE, I learned about friendship, unconditional friendship.  Then E (aka Evan aka Ev) came into my life... I think I mentioned before that he just showed up.  YUP he forked over in total about five grand.  Nice.  Just because he could, not because I knew about it, but because that's who he is, he just does, he had it so it wasn't a question, it wasn't something he thought about. 

Anyhow point is I know things go south I know what it is to have to need, and have no one there.  Did I mention that my ex ended up having the power shut off when I was home (out in the middle of nowhere), while I was pregnant.  No power meant no water because we were living on a well.  The well pump happened to be electric.... So that was a nightmare.  Oh and no car to leave the premises!  Thank goodness for some fantastic neighbors. 

There are so many more examples, but I don't want or need the pity party right now, I am not a victim.  Things happened, I made due, its what we call life.  Point is that I give.  I give back so much, that it hurts.  And the people that I give to the most can also hurt me the most.  I know double edged sword.  I know.  I don't expect when I give.  I give to make their lives easier.  I don't want to see anyone in pain, especially those I care about the most.  Resistance I can deal with, I understand the other side.  Flip it, really flip the roles, is it something you would do for me?  If that answer is yes, then PLEASE let me do for you.  LET me be your light. 

Be the change you want to see in the world?  I want to see compassion.  LET me be compassionate. 

Treat others how you want to be treated?  Raise the bar.  Treat them that way first, let them see how you want to be treated.  How you should be treated.  Lead by example.  Let love in, let it be the guide... Oh there are so many cliches but it all amounts to this is me.  I am a lover a giver.  This is who I am.  Never trying to offend... EVER.  That is not my intention.  This is the same way I would want someone to treat me, the same way I have been treated.  Kindness and loving have been extended unto me and I will gladly pass it along. 

Wow, spilt most of my heart there.  Sorry.  Wasn't sure that it was gonna go that deep.  Not sure how much of it will ever be read or how much of it will be taken seriously.  I get what I do and why I do it.  And I never expect anything back, but a smile, a sigh.... somehow knowing that I made a difference for the good.  That's all I need.  EVER.