Addressing this now. But it will not define me.

Some crap went down, well continually goes down.  Its finished completely today.  I only go here because its not who I am but it does give witness to the changes in my life.  The positive changes.

I the last few months there has been a caustic relationship in my life.  Now this relationship never started that way, it was actually mutually supportive, good, positive.  LONG DISTANCE.  It had always been long distance. There were promises made to change that, but it never came to fruition.  Two years passed and the relationship started going down hill.  There were trust issues developing because I started getting my stuff together on my end.  He wanted to know why I wasn't in my room 24/7 waiting to talk to him online.

When we met and talked, I was depressed.  That is a fact, nothing to argue.  Things have changed.  I am back LIVING life again.  Ready to conquer things head on.  Got my self esteem back.  I have been making positive changes for a while now.  Well we broke up.


Okay so, he still wanted to date me, I said fine, come out here.  A million and one excuses as to why he couldn't later.  I got tired of it, its the same stuff I have been hearing for the last almost two years.  Fine, I understand priorities.  I am not going to miss out on someone wonderful for this guy to figure out if-you-want-to-maybe-kinda-in-the-future-there-might-be-a-possibility-of-sometime-playing-house-with-me-but-I-still-don't-trust-you-after-two-years-with-my-home-address!  HUMMM.  Yea.  Yup this was the attitude I was getting.  The relationship was turning sour.  Instead of growing together, this was becoming a greater wedge between us.

My Best saw my pain, and she tried step in, she helped tremendously.  Ultimately, eliminating a good chunk of those excuses he used.  He show up?  Nope fear controlled his response.  We got into a huge fight.  And I decided it was enough, I'd had it.  Things were deleted, and methods of communication were blocked, because they were being used as tools to harm and cause pain.  So he couldn't get to me, so he started attacking my friends.  Wow, that's my family.  That's some crap.  Lower than low.  (insert a million different not nice names to call him here.)

I have no regrets about who I am, what I have done in life it makes me who I am.  I learned a lot from this particular relationship.  I could sound entirely too jaded and probably have every to do so.  This relationship taught me about anger.  I was dealing with it from my ex.  Had a ton of things to work through... Funnier yet, it taught me about love, and my capacity to love; proportional to the amount of anger I was harboring.  HUMMM.  Ironic now, but I learned sometime ago, that if I could and would let go of the anger I could love deeper and more fearlessly.

Today I found myself getting irate and irrationally thinking.  This is NOT me.  I am positive, wonderfully optimistic, happy-go-lucky... WTH?  What gives this goober the right to change me?  NOOOOO!  I am gonna let it go.  Apologize to my friends, hope they forgive me, because part of this is just beyond my control... my responsible part?  This person should never have been this deep into my life, and he proved that, for that I am sorry...  I never meant to hurt friends or family with this.  It's one thing for me to be annoyed and hurt.  Its entirely different for my family to be.  I can only control my actions and reactions though... With that thought, I am picking myself up and moving on though.

Sorry for the hiccup folks.  I am working on positive changes.  And still get tripped up on things that never were or could be.  Its those empty promises that look so good, but they are a mirage; get closer and its all a bunch of nada.   I am documenting it because, well it happened.  (past tense) and I promised to be real and honest.... and really honest.

So yea, this is part of me but is not who I am.  LOL.  Anger does not reside in this heart.  I am grateful for those I have in my life, those who choose to be here.  They are some incredible individuals, okay well a ton of incredible individuals... and I am still humbled by their greatness, every moment of everyday.