"I meant what i said and i said what i meant. An elephant's faithful one-hundred percent!"
Yea so I won't sell out, that was the moral of the story yesterday. I won't just throw my friends, practically family under the bus. Just not gonna happen. I am where I am and have that opportunity because of him in the first place. Oh irrate wasn't even the beginning of it last night. I am better now. Still frustrated... but, that's just the tail end of all the madness.
I was doing pretty well about rolling with the punches, and then I saw another message, from someone else on something else that was addressed yesterday? Really, can I just get a mulligan for yesterday? Can I just delete the day. OMG. I know I asked for a point of clairifcation yesterday too, on the actions that took place. WOW, way to make it look like I am the scape goat. Cool, cool, you need one, fine. Just know that I won't make that mistake again. You,, My Dear, are most certianly buring your bridge. Fuming, but I will get over it. No, no this isn't about some stupid pretend relationship, that never existed this is about a true friend that I woulda done anything for. I have spoken to many times, in the last four years, yea, four. INSANE. We were good friends, spoke, more often at first, at one time it was every weekend while I was at the laundrymat. LMAO. Made that Sunday morning routine much more bareable. But this is just insane. I did what was requested of me yesterday and today, I get shot in the foot over it. BOO! But fine you need a scape goat. Cool. Bahhhhh. Fine.
I am in the water-off-a ducks-back / kinda-roll-with-the-punches / bullet proof at the moment. Nope I am not offended, severely disappointed. I would NEVER have made him take the responsibly if the roles were reversed. Guess that's a huge difference. Sorry, Babe, your character is showing. I know its your LIFE but its, mine too. I am not even gonna sweat it anymore. Just gonna get the rant out here and be DONE with it.
Ahhhh blogging therapy at it's greatest. Maybe its the lack of sleep or the emotional exhaustion. Whatever the case. I am hardening out that part of me, got some thick skin developing. Eh, had to grow up sometime. See the world isn't really appropriate for rose-colored glasses. Cleaning up the bullshit left behind from both craptastic events and clearing out the negative. .... Making room for the positive again.
Still grateful for those who are in my life... started out with a Suess quote ending on one too.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
-Dr Suess
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
stumbling, my clothes torn and ripped, tears, dirt, bruises, and blood
Going back to explain some things (another purpose of this blog)... maybe confuse more, who knows? I know that I have lived in secret for too long and secret can be depicted by some as shame... for me that is the reason for the secrets being kept for a while... Now it's not something I am ashamed anymore. Part of claiming your life as a survivor is admitting it happened. That is a key point. NO SHAME, that just makes you the victim again. If you can't handle this subject matter, skip, along onto the next, I promise that I won't be offended. The fact that I am a survivor maybe a reason why I am so honest about things, about my feelings, idk, that sounds like a different subject to blog on... I digress
Seventh grade... the tender age of 12, I had to grow up. And pretty fast. I learned some horrific things about human nature.
My whole family was very active at the church.. That is where this begins. So I was in youth group. There really wasn't a group for religious education after 6th grade. Youth group. But since the church was attached to the college there was a wide range for the youth group... the young adult group was the next step up... older college... So there was a group of us kiddos age 12-18 all in the same boat... all going to the same meetings, classes, get togethers everyone was welcome.
I was dating someone, well as much as you can 'date' in 7th grade! We'd go catch a movie together, my parents would pick us up and drop us off, and would sit several rows behind us in the theater. LOL. I love my Mom and Dad! Very protective. Good stuff.
I would hang out at the church studying and spending time with friends at least once a week, until dinner-ish. But I was at the church. Fine. So one afternoon I was headed home (two mile walk) when Jack drove by in his car... and honked. He drove a bit further up and parked in a drive way. As I approached the car he rolled down the window and called to me. I knew him, well sorta, from Church. I knew he was a 18 yr old student who lived in the dorm. But I had talked to him on several occasions all at the church. Cool, sure, I will talk. So I walked up to the car. He asked if I wanted a ride home. Ummm, nah. I am fine. I told him. He had seen me walk home before, I am pretty sure, he knew close to where I lived. He said he was driving right by where I had to go... He had something to drop off in the area.. though he actually said something close by, so I believed. Fine.
I got into the car, and he asked if I wanted to stop and get something to drink. Nope I was good, just wanted home. Ever get that get-the-hell-out-of-where-ever-you-are feeling? Yea, word of advice, go with that intuition especially if it screams at you. So we started driving toward my house... but then things took a turn for the worse. He was talking asked me to change the station since he was driving and I didn't notice that we were headed in another direction. I looked up to see him enter an alley. Okay. Okay maybe he had trash to throw out. Umm sure.
NOPE. Jack where are you going? He says its a "short cut". I said no its not, my house is the other way. Then he says that he must have gotten turned around. We are about half way through the alley when he stops the car. Reaches over to me and grabs my neck, trying to make out with me. Oh no.... i was trying to squirm away. There wasn't anything on the floor board and the way I was in the car I couldn't reach the door handle. No bueno. I started hyper ventilating. He opened the glove box and and covered my mouth with his other hand pinning me down.
I blacked out. The combination of things.... I don't remember a the specifics, though I do have flashbacks, lovely, yea. I woke up what I assume was a several min later, and I was undressed from the bottom down. In a tremendous amount of pain. The jerk figured out I was awake and tried to kiss me. The moment he put his tongue in my mouth, I bit down, and hard enough to make him bleed. He slapped me and I scratched his face and kicked him off. Grabbed what was left of my clothes and took off.
Yea I know the area well enough to know where I was, to know where the the alley bends where I could take off and hide. The fifteen min walk... I made home in 45 min. A huge mess... stumbling, my clothes torn and ripped, tears, dirt, bruises, and blood... everywhere. No one is home.
I make my way to the shower, hot shower... get in and just sit on the floor.. crying. I was in the shower for about almost an hour. Went back to my room and that was it for the night. I didn't talk to anyone, didn't see anyone, didn't call my boyfriend... nada. I remember crying, I remember being sick to my stomach.... And somewhere in all of that, I fell asleep.
Next morning I dealt with things. Realizing that I was no longer a virgin and that it wasn't by choice. Still I said nothing to no one. How could I? I was the one that got into Jack's car. I knew Jack from church... something is wrong with all of that picture. And besides I blacked out, I mean I know what happened but I don't remember everything... Something was wrong with me.
I wasn't myself at school, everyone noticed. Crying at almost everything and anything. I was talking to my friend in between classes and something slipped. I don't remember what I said. I remember hanging out in class trying to keep it together, and the next thing I knew I was being called out of class by the guidance counselor. I remember my friend standing out side class and mouthing the words I am sorry. I CAN STILL SEE her expression on her face, she thought she had betrayed me... She did quite the opposite. Though I was upset at the time.
Guidance counselor, fifteen min with her and she called my parents... and the school resource officer. OMG, my parents. Oh crap no. I would just rather talk to the resource officer! So I gave them as many details as possible. Was referred to a therapist. Since things had happened with the church, they were gonna look into it too.
Okay so the investigation begins. He denies everything! The church says there isn't anything they can do....and the officers want me to take a polygraph test, which the results can't be used in court anyhow, right? My parents didn't know anything about victims rights, I love them, they had no clue I was being trampled upon! Re-victimized by each one of them. I took the polygraph because the church said I was lying if I didn't. Fine. The results were I was telling the truth. Did they ever request him to do the same? Nope money talks! The church said that I had invited the situation. The police dropped the case, being a he said she said... I don't even wanna go there. And my parents? Wow, they doubted me at first. It took them some time to believe what I was really saying.
So incredibly hurt. I went to therapy. Even hypnotherapy as an adult, because I started having panic attacks and flash backs. Every once in a while I still get triggers, it can something as simple as a smell or a touch and I am a total mess, panic-ville. It kinda blows that every man I am with from that point on... has to know a bit about the violence... it seems a lot to just have to put out there.
The way I see this though, is very much the same as I see a few other circumstances in my life. I can sit here and throw a pity party... that doesn't do shit... I mean there is a place for that, initially, but in my life... I won't go there. That gives that jerk too much control. That's what the act of rape is anyhow control. He cannot have my happiness. I choose not to be the victim any longer. Crap happens, I am glad I wasn't injured any more severely. That I am still mentally stable (as near as I can be anyhow, lol). And since it didn't break me, I am stronger because of it.
So experiencing a dark side of human nature at age of innocence. Yea it affected me, but as I said in another blog, the title I believe... I will explain, but this does not define me. No I am bigger than this. Everyone has a story this is just part of mine. I hope it explains what goes on inside my head... maybe where I come from, probably how protective I get. Sure its also attributed to my some of my control issues. Not excuses, never those, just attempting to understand the inner part of me. Oddly enough I still trust people and trust them probably more than I should...
I am still very much a work in progress, still don't have all the answers. But I can be honest; share my experiences. Maybe give someone the courage to speak out. Maybe. I can most certainly listen. I am always here should anyone need a shoulder.
Seventh grade... the tender age of 12, I had to grow up. And pretty fast. I learned some horrific things about human nature.
My whole family was very active at the church.. That is where this begins. So I was in youth group. There really wasn't a group for religious education after 6th grade. Youth group. But since the church was attached to the college there was a wide range for the youth group... the young adult group was the next step up... older college... So there was a group of us kiddos age 12-18 all in the same boat... all going to the same meetings, classes, get togethers everyone was welcome.
I was dating someone, well as much as you can 'date' in 7th grade! We'd go catch a movie together, my parents would pick us up and drop us off, and would sit several rows behind us in the theater. LOL. I love my Mom and Dad! Very protective. Good stuff.
I would hang out at the church studying and spending time with friends at least once a week, until dinner-ish. But I was at the church. Fine. So one afternoon I was headed home (two mile walk) when Jack drove by in his car... and honked. He drove a bit further up and parked in a drive way. As I approached the car he rolled down the window and called to me. I knew him, well sorta, from Church. I knew he was a 18 yr old student who lived in the dorm. But I had talked to him on several occasions all at the church. Cool, sure, I will talk. So I walked up to the car. He asked if I wanted a ride home. Ummm, nah. I am fine. I told him. He had seen me walk home before, I am pretty sure, he knew close to where I lived. He said he was driving right by where I had to go... He had something to drop off in the area.. though he actually said something close by, so I believed. Fine.
I got into the car, and he asked if I wanted to stop and get something to drink. Nope I was good, just wanted home. Ever get that get-the-hell-out-of-where-ever-you-are feeling? Yea, word of advice, go with that intuition especially if it screams at you. So we started driving toward my house... but then things took a turn for the worse. He was talking asked me to change the station since he was driving and I didn't notice that we were headed in another direction. I looked up to see him enter an alley. Okay. Okay maybe he had trash to throw out. Umm sure.
NOPE. Jack where are you going? He says its a "short cut". I said no its not, my house is the other way. Then he says that he must have gotten turned around. We are about half way through the alley when he stops the car. Reaches over to me and grabs my neck, trying to make out with me. Oh no.... i was trying to squirm away. There wasn't anything on the floor board and the way I was in the car I couldn't reach the door handle. No bueno. I started hyper ventilating. He opened the glove box and and covered my mouth with his other hand pinning me down.
I blacked out. The combination of things.... I don't remember a the specifics, though I do have flashbacks, lovely, yea. I woke up what I assume was a several min later, and I was undressed from the bottom down. In a tremendous amount of pain. The jerk figured out I was awake and tried to kiss me. The moment he put his tongue in my mouth, I bit down, and hard enough to make him bleed. He slapped me and I scratched his face and kicked him off. Grabbed what was left of my clothes and took off.
Yea I know the area well enough to know where I was, to know where the the alley bends where I could take off and hide. The fifteen min walk... I made home in 45 min. A huge mess... stumbling, my clothes torn and ripped, tears, dirt, bruises, and blood... everywhere. No one is home.
I make my way to the shower, hot shower... get in and just sit on the floor.. crying. I was in the shower for about almost an hour. Went back to my room and that was it for the night. I didn't talk to anyone, didn't see anyone, didn't call my boyfriend... nada. I remember crying, I remember being sick to my stomach.... And somewhere in all of that, I fell asleep.
Next morning I dealt with things. Realizing that I was no longer a virgin and that it wasn't by choice. Still I said nothing to no one. How could I? I was the one that got into Jack's car. I knew Jack from church... something is wrong with all of that picture. And besides I blacked out, I mean I know what happened but I don't remember everything... Something was wrong with me.
I wasn't myself at school, everyone noticed. Crying at almost everything and anything. I was talking to my friend in between classes and something slipped. I don't remember what I said. I remember hanging out in class trying to keep it together, and the next thing I knew I was being called out of class by the guidance counselor. I remember my friend standing out side class and mouthing the words I am sorry. I CAN STILL SEE her expression on her face, she thought she had betrayed me... She did quite the opposite. Though I was upset at the time.
Guidance counselor, fifteen min with her and she called my parents... and the school resource officer. OMG, my parents. Oh crap no. I would just rather talk to the resource officer! So I gave them as many details as possible. Was referred to a therapist. Since things had happened with the church, they were gonna look into it too.
Okay so the investigation begins. He denies everything! The church says there isn't anything they can do....and the officers want me to take a polygraph test, which the results can't be used in court anyhow, right? My parents didn't know anything about victims rights, I love them, they had no clue I was being trampled upon! Re-victimized by each one of them. I took the polygraph because the church said I was lying if I didn't. Fine. The results were I was telling the truth. Did they ever request him to do the same? Nope money talks! The church said that I had invited the situation. The police dropped the case, being a he said she said... I don't even wanna go there. And my parents? Wow, they doubted me at first. It took them some time to believe what I was really saying.
So incredibly hurt. I went to therapy. Even hypnotherapy as an adult, because I started having panic attacks and flash backs. Every once in a while I still get triggers, it can something as simple as a smell or a touch and I am a total mess, panic-ville. It kinda blows that every man I am with from that point on... has to know a bit about the violence... it seems a lot to just have to put out there.
The way I see this though, is very much the same as I see a few other circumstances in my life. I can sit here and throw a pity party... that doesn't do shit... I mean there is a place for that, initially, but in my life... I won't go there. That gives that jerk too much control. That's what the act of rape is anyhow control. He cannot have my happiness. I choose not to be the victim any longer. Crap happens, I am glad I wasn't injured any more severely. That I am still mentally stable (as near as I can be anyhow, lol). And since it didn't break me, I am stronger because of it.
So experiencing a dark side of human nature at age of innocence. Yea it affected me, but as I said in another blog, the title I believe... I will explain, but this does not define me. No I am bigger than this. Everyone has a story this is just part of mine. I hope it explains what goes on inside my head... maybe where I come from, probably how protective I get. Sure its also attributed to my some of my control issues. Not excuses, never those, just attempting to understand the inner part of me. Oddly enough I still trust people and trust them probably more than I should...
I am still very much a work in progress, still don't have all the answers. But I can be honest; share my experiences. Maybe give someone the courage to speak out. Maybe. I can most certainly listen. I am always here should anyone need a shoulder.
Monday, May 30, 2011
A - Muse - Ing
Wow. Honored, a bit taken back... humbled... yea that's the word. I wasn't expecting being called a "muse", I know things inspire me. But ME? Awwww. I don't know what to say about that. I am truly a fan of this person's and to know that I help inspire his creativity, that he has some really productive things happen after we converse... SWEET! That is incredible. Personally, I am aware that there are people who can and do light a fire under my arse for both the good and the bad, and they can just flip on that creative side for me. Just feels different to be that person on the other end. But awesome I am running with that title! Heck yea, wearing it proudly... my new badge. *wink*
Ever wonder about that one that coulda gotten away. Well crap. For a min today that's where I was today. I am at a stand still, check in the game of chess, not sure what way is up at the moment, so I guess it's kinda normal. LOL. Thought about it for a whole min. Honestly.. a min.. but after that, well... I know what I want. But you know what they say about wanting, want in one hand and shat in the other... yup one fills first... but that want never goes away. That is my point.
Anyhow that what if was very much the same situation that arose as the other night. One idea, but I couldn't follow through. Things just didn't line up. I don't know what to do... I can only do my part. Be as honest as possible... as present as possible. I don't play games. Think it's why my mind doesn't even go there, the thoughts just shut down, its fine, no complaints. Needing to stay focused anyhow --LOL, got my own blinders on. Though there are other theories on that- DW, CG, and Matt/Laura even Casandra, lmao. Oh well.
Back to the inspiration... I have been on fire lately, lots of stuff not even being caught on paper, wow, I know, a bit manic in and of that. But its good things. Matt challenged me yesterday a few different things. I am taking it and running with it seeing where it leads. Excited about the possibilities. And just gonna keep being me. Because that is something no one else can be, me.
Being positive, BEing light, being creativity... BEING me!
Ever wonder about that one that coulda gotten away. Well crap. For a min today that's where I was today. I am at a stand still, check in the game of chess, not sure what way is up at the moment, so I guess it's kinda normal. LOL. Thought about it for a whole min. Honestly.. a min.. but after that, well... I know what I want. But you know what they say about wanting, want in one hand and shat in the other... yup one fills first... but that want never goes away. That is my point.
Anyhow that what if was very much the same situation that arose as the other night. One idea, but I couldn't follow through. Things just didn't line up. I don't know what to do... I can only do my part. Be as honest as possible... as present as possible. I don't play games. Think it's why my mind doesn't even go there, the thoughts just shut down, its fine, no complaints. Needing to stay focused anyhow --LOL, got my own blinders on. Though there are other theories on that- DW, CG, and Matt/Laura even Casandra, lmao. Oh well.
Back to the inspiration... I have been on fire lately, lots of stuff not even being caught on paper, wow, I know, a bit manic in and of that. But its good things. Matt challenged me yesterday a few different things. I am taking it and running with it seeing where it leads. Excited about the possibilities. And just gonna keep being me. Because that is something no one else can be, me.
Being positive, BEing light, being creativity... BEING me!
The Reason I Started This Blog
Well it was to give my pep talks to myself and others... To witness my growth as a personally and professionally... To document all the Mari-isms that come out. Sometimes great bits of genius are stuck in my goofy sayings. Sometimes it's just goofiness, but it makes someone smile!
I gave my pseudo plunger to the 13yr other day. What? I know I don't have any kids of my own... I have a tendency to just adopt my friends kiddos. So I met this incredible 13yr old a few months ago, fell in love with her wit. She is incredible, spunky... And holy crap, she didn't hesitate to tell me what she thought of a certain personal circumstance! Atta girl. That takes cajones, to call me out. I LIKE it! Haha. Well my friend went back home but I connected his daughter via FB. She is so amazing. Love her positive energy!
Well, I was out one night and she said on her status (that I get via texts), that "he makes her smile". I responded that makes two of us! A couple hrs later she posted she would never be good enough. OH heck no! No one gets to make her feel like that. I replied with nope, you are BETTER. Always will be. She messaged me to tell me about this goober. Who isn't worth her time, how he is always leading her on and then she gets invested only to have him dump her. UGH. I hate games. But I know that she is 13. So I give her a pep talk tell her he isn't worth her time, she will be going to high school and there will be bigger and better fish out there.
Couple days later she posts that her heart hurts. I asked her if it was indigestion? lol. She says no. I said he doesn't deserve you.... he is poop! Yup I stated it out there for everyone to see. And I said what do you do with poop? YOU FLUSH IT. She said that it just hurt.... what he was doing. I said so you take a laxative and then flush it! lol. That has been the ongoing joke. Crude I know, but its a good analogy... one that we can all understand.
About three days ago, she made mention of the poop again.. :( I understand this from her side, but I also get that she has to get over it. She said the poop came back, funny though, but not funny situation. I told her she could have my plunger. That seemed to lift her spirits.
This is some interesting stuff. Because this was very much me at her age. Wow, what I would give to have someone tell me that I was worth more than being torn apart like that.
Putting together my poetry for the portfolio... I had to go back to sites I didn't want to. But it afforded me the opportunity, yup I am gonna put a positive spin on it, is a learning opportunity to see how far I have come, how much I have grown and evolved. SWEET. I KNOW I am worthy of love. I was almost in tears seeing me say that I didn't think I was worthy of such an emotion! HOLY CRAP. Oh hell no! I am. I bring a lot with me talent, a fantastic attitude, motivation, and a cute little container (hehe, why not? it's MY blog for cryin' out loud, but I did just make myself blush). I have a lot of love to give. Not sticking my head in the sand; in a much healthier place and ready to take on the world.
I trust the process of life.. Know that I have incredible people around me who love and support me. Who won't let me fall. Everything happens for a reason. I am stronger and lessons have been learned. No failures around this part, not ever.
With that grateful heart I proceed.
I gave my pseudo plunger to the 13yr other day. What? I know I don't have any kids of my own... I have a tendency to just adopt my friends kiddos. So I met this incredible 13yr old a few months ago, fell in love with her wit. She is incredible, spunky... And holy crap, she didn't hesitate to tell me what she thought of a certain personal circumstance! Atta girl. That takes cajones, to call me out. I LIKE it! Haha. Well my friend went back home but I connected his daughter via FB. She is so amazing. Love her positive energy!
Well, I was out one night and she said on her status (that I get via texts), that "he makes her smile". I responded that makes two of us! A couple hrs later she posted she would never be good enough. OH heck no! No one gets to make her feel like that. I replied with nope, you are BETTER. Always will be. She messaged me to tell me about this goober. Who isn't worth her time, how he is always leading her on and then she gets invested only to have him dump her. UGH. I hate games. But I know that she is 13. So I give her a pep talk tell her he isn't worth her time, she will be going to high school and there will be bigger and better fish out there.
Couple days later she posts that her heart hurts. I asked her if it was indigestion? lol. She says no. I said he doesn't deserve you.... he is poop! Yup I stated it out there for everyone to see. And I said what do you do with poop? YOU FLUSH IT. She said that it just hurt.... what he was doing. I said so you take a laxative and then flush it! lol. That has been the ongoing joke. Crude I know, but its a good analogy... one that we can all understand.
About three days ago, she made mention of the poop again.. :( I understand this from her side, but I also get that she has to get over it. She said the poop came back, funny though, but not funny situation. I told her she could have my plunger. That seemed to lift her spirits.
This is some interesting stuff. Because this was very much me at her age. Wow, what I would give to have someone tell me that I was worth more than being torn apart like that.
Putting together my poetry for the portfolio... I had to go back to sites I didn't want to. But it afforded me the opportunity, yup I am gonna put a positive spin on it, is a learning opportunity to see how far I have come, how much I have grown and evolved. SWEET. I KNOW I am worthy of love. I was almost in tears seeing me say that I didn't think I was worthy of such an emotion! HOLY CRAP. Oh hell no! I am. I bring a lot with me talent, a fantastic attitude, motivation, and a cute little container (hehe, why not? it's MY blog for cryin' out loud, but I did just make myself blush). I have a lot of love to give. Not sticking my head in the sand; in a much healthier place and ready to take on the world.
I trust the process of life.. Know that I have incredible people around me who love and support me. Who won't let me fall. Everything happens for a reason. I am stronger and lessons have been learned. No failures around this part, not ever.
With that grateful heart I proceed.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
One dream at a time.
Keeping focused. Writing is abundant today, things still on the move for the positive. Laughing hysterically at the fact that I am pulled in so many directions, muli-tasking at its greatest. Writing, watching a movie, was listening to music in between movies, (just needed the distraction, the background noise), researching info, got a journal for poems, sitting on top of the photos yet to be scanned. Irons in the fire? So many is there still a fire? Haha. JJ has asked me to help him and Jeff with the makeup for Rick. Umm I can help over the phone, Rick and I just don't get along, creative differences, is the best way to put it.
Random blog, just documenting the oddness that is today. YIPEE, I got sleep though! Was pretty exhausted and I didn't end up sick either. Sweet. Love it how someone put me in check last night, well two someones... told me to get my arse to bed and get some rest. LOL. They were both right on the money.
Random call from JJ at 11, in a panic... How do you make gelatin? --- I told him to follow the instructions. Lol. He says what? I said you have to have boiling water. Well I didn't realize that he was gonna try and apply it right then and there --- OH CRAP. I was like J, you have to wait til it cools!!!! He was like oh I just thought you wanted me to burn Rick. Wow. NO. Two hours later I got another call from Jeff asking about a trusted recipe, I love those guys. They have had me cracking up all the time.
Hanging out on messenger apparently the boys have been bugging Matt too. Occasionally I get an IM, how is it this or that. Not that I mind my brain being picked. Had no idea how much had been absorbed into my mind. My favorite, still thinking out side the box, trying to solve a problem with an unconventional solution. Which is what I am waiting for, that weirder than weird question, that I will KNOW the answer to. There is always ONE, usually more than, moment on set. (I know I am not physically there, but I feel like I am.)
So the plan still stands road trip this fall, to support another friend. I do believe he is on board with this one! Lol. Talking last night like of course we, me and my friends, are gonna be there!!!!! Sweet. I can't wait. I love that kinda energy. Plus it should be a great vacation from the "norm". Invited a few others to go along with and I got a promising yes from one of them. Can you say, stoked!
Commercial was a go. I am a giggling mango. Why a mango? I have no clue. Its a submission for an . Speaking of submissions there is another project that has been submitted for a festival, older project I worked on; had the pleasure of being a part of the creative process on it. Stoked about that one too! Though the producer is too humble to say that it is something incredible. Actually went through storage and got the pics he requested, so he has additional documentation for the work. Some pretty great shots, funny stuff most of it. I do think he is gonna run with it this time, recording a commentary track was the shove he needed to keep that momentum going...
Gonna get off my bum and finally make pics of the slides I have too, think there is a portfolio in there somewhere. I would say for work this fall, make up for a haunted house, but depending on the other festival plans, we will have to see how that works out. The pics just need to happen, there is no doubt about that, how it will play out from there, I don't know.
Pooling the poetry into one place has proved to be a bit more difficult that I wanted. It happens. There is a pretty strong readership over on that one already! NICE, right? Kinda random too, wasn't expecting it. Good feedback though.
Going out later this week to support more dreams. Going to see performances by those I became a fan of about a month ago. Pretty awesome!
Got the validation I needed from about a zillion sources last night. I have incredible people in my life, humbled every day by their love and support. Thank you just seems so small sometimes.
With a grateful heart I proceed.... gonna be like Wilbur (Meet the Robinsons) and keep moving forward!
Random blog, just documenting the oddness that is today. YIPEE, I got sleep though! Was pretty exhausted and I didn't end up sick either. Sweet. Love it how someone put me in check last night, well two someones... told me to get my arse to bed and get some rest. LOL. They were both right on the money.
Random call from JJ at 11, in a panic... How do you make gelatin? --- I told him to follow the instructions. Lol. He says what? I said you have to have boiling water. Well I didn't realize that he was gonna try and apply it right then and there --- OH CRAP. I was like J, you have to wait til it cools!!!! He was like oh I just thought you wanted me to burn Rick. Wow. NO. Two hours later I got another call from Jeff asking about a trusted recipe, I love those guys. They have had me cracking up all the time.
Hanging out on messenger apparently the boys have been bugging Matt too. Occasionally I get an IM, how is it this or that. Not that I mind my brain being picked. Had no idea how much had been absorbed into my mind. My favorite, still thinking out side the box, trying to solve a problem with an unconventional solution. Which is what I am waiting for, that weirder than weird question, that I will KNOW the answer to. There is always ONE, usually more than, moment on set. (I know I am not physically there, but I feel like I am.)
So the plan still stands road trip this fall, to support another friend. I do believe he is on board with this one! Lol. Talking last night like of course we, me and my friends, are gonna be there!!!!! Sweet. I can't wait. I love that kinda energy. Plus it should be a great vacation from the "norm". Invited a few others to go along with and I got a promising yes from one of them. Can you say, stoked!
Commercial was a go. I am a giggling mango. Why a mango? I have no clue. Its a submission for an . Speaking of submissions there is another project that has been submitted for a festival, older project I worked on; had the pleasure of being a part of the creative process on it. Stoked about that one too! Though the producer is too humble to say that it is something incredible. Actually went through storage and got the pics he requested, so he has additional documentation for the work. Some pretty great shots, funny stuff most of it. I do think he is gonna run with it this time, recording a commentary track was the shove he needed to keep that momentum going...
Gonna get off my bum and finally make pics of the slides I have too, think there is a portfolio in there somewhere. I would say for work this fall, make up for a haunted house, but depending on the other festival plans, we will have to see how that works out. The pics just need to happen, there is no doubt about that, how it will play out from there, I don't know.
Pooling the poetry into one place has proved to be a bit more difficult that I wanted. It happens. There is a pretty strong readership over on that one already! NICE, right? Kinda random too, wasn't expecting it. Good feedback though.
Going out later this week to support more dreams. Going to see performances by those I became a fan of about a month ago. Pretty awesome!
Got the validation I needed from about a zillion sources last night. I have incredible people in my life, humbled every day by their love and support. Thank you just seems so small sometimes.
With a grateful heart I proceed.... gonna be like Wilbur (Meet the Robinsons) and keep moving forward!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
The Starbucks adventure and Mr Inspiration
No secret, I am addicted, well, yea... I mean that's what the gold card in my wallet means right? LOL. I won't tell you how long it took to earn, only that I earned it relativly quickly.
So last night began with my best asking for Starbucks... and my adventure continued through this afternoon, when YUP, yup, you guested it another Starbucks detour was involved!
Had an opportunity to involve some bodywork too (giving a massage). It was rather spontaneous. But I am always amazed when a body responds to touch, muscles relax and healing start. Humbled to be in the midst and help facilitate such events. Yea, I know I went to school for it. Studied like mad for my certifications... Passed with flying colors. But still I am amazed that something as simple as touch can do so many things.
Spending time with those whom inspire me is phenominal. Just to be in the presence of someone who can creativly (so to speak) turn you on is awesome. My muse is awake. Lots of stuff to ponder many avenues to explore. Senses are all on edge, ready to go. Ready to take on a new adventures.
With that I am gonna thank "Mr Inspiration" for stirring my creativity and arousing the muse too. There will be some poetry posted, debating about seperating the blog into two parts, it still may happen.... the updates vs the poetry. There will be some stuff I dig out of the woodwork too. But it all is me, raw, and I am ready to be vunerable if just a bit.
With that grateful heart and a graceful smile I proceed!
So last night began with my best asking for Starbucks... and my adventure continued through this afternoon, when YUP, yup, you guested it another Starbucks detour was involved!
Had an opportunity to involve some bodywork too (giving a massage). It was rather spontaneous. But I am always amazed when a body responds to touch, muscles relax and healing start. Humbled to be in the midst and help facilitate such events. Yea, I know I went to school for it. Studied like mad for my certifications... Passed with flying colors. But still I am amazed that something as simple as touch can do so many things.
Spending time with those whom inspire me is phenominal. Just to be in the presence of someone who can creativly (so to speak) turn you on is awesome. My muse is awake. Lots of stuff to ponder many avenues to explore. Senses are all on edge, ready to go. Ready to take on a new adventures.
With that I am gonna thank "Mr Inspiration" for stirring my creativity and arousing the muse too. There will be some poetry posted, debating about seperating the blog into two parts, it still may happen.... the updates vs the poetry. There will be some stuff I dig out of the woodwork too. But it all is me, raw, and I am ready to be vunerable if just a bit.
With that grateful heart and a graceful smile I proceed!
Friday, May 27, 2011
Stumble, stumble... CAUGHT!
Keeping the momentum moving the direction it should be. This week has been incredible! Writing like crazy, immersed in all of it. Incredible opportunities keep showing up.
Blog is working.... LOL. Actually had someone, a good friend, thanks Gov'nr, read my blog and ask if I would do spoken word! And one of the top dogs financing the writing projects (scripts) *winks*, says that its my personality that helped sell it all! AWESOME. Wait, wait, check that, AMAZING. He reiterated the same thing that about a dozen of my closest friends have said, keep on doing what you do, being who you are; it separates you from everyone else.
So here I am honest as can be. Things happened yesterday. Well and the day before. But mostly being honest and sincere, and me has done a few things. Those stumbling blocks, well I was caught by my friends. They don't let me fall anymore! Dusted off and made sure that I was told I was on the RIGHT path. People that I hadn't heard from in a while and people that I hear from all the time, both, validated my actions, and ultimately my my soul...
I am pretty satisfied with the progress of so much of my life right now. Personally and professionally there is so much to be thankful for; I love those in it with all I am and hold them so close.
Yup change happens and but change is the only thing that is predictable in life. Staying positive, the negative is easy to find and always trying to bring down the joy in life... Holding on to hope and love and the most fantastic friends and relationships ever imaginable. Silently anticipating the what the future brings. Knowing that there is some spectacular things yet to happen. Trusting in the process of life.
Yea, the blog is pretty generalized, there are more specific details, but I wanted go over the main points.
Blog is working.... LOL. Actually had someone, a good friend, thanks Gov'nr, read my blog and ask if I would do spoken word! And one of the top dogs financing the writing projects (scripts) *winks*, says that its my personality that helped sell it all! AWESOME. Wait, wait, check that, AMAZING. He reiterated the same thing that about a dozen of my closest friends have said, keep on doing what you do, being who you are; it separates you from everyone else.
So here I am honest as can be. Things happened yesterday. Well and the day before. But mostly being honest and sincere, and me has done a few things. Those stumbling blocks, well I was caught by my friends. They don't let me fall anymore! Dusted off and made sure that I was told I was on the RIGHT path. People that I hadn't heard from in a while and people that I hear from all the time, both, validated my actions, and ultimately my my soul...
I am pretty satisfied with the progress of so much of my life right now. Personally and professionally there is so much to be thankful for; I love those in it with all I am and hold them so close.
Yup change happens and but change is the only thing that is predictable in life. Staying positive, the negative is easy to find and always trying to bring down the joy in life... Holding on to hope and love and the most fantastic friends and relationships ever imaginable. Silently anticipating the what the future brings. Knowing that there is some spectacular things yet to happen. Trusting in the process of life.
Yea, the blog is pretty generalized, there are more specific details, but I wanted go over the main points.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Well (bleep)
Haha, Casandra, I totally used your words. I HEART YOU, Gorgeous! Is it tacky to refer to a blog in your blog? I mean like a previous post???? Maybe well F that.
http://mnmsnickers.blogspot.com/2011/05/humm-why-screw-that-why-not.html
That is me people, that is who I am. I can expand and I will. Life hasn't always been what it is right now... Take a trip with me back a few years, actually about a decade, give or take.
I was living with my fiance.. we were going to be married. Things were in a pretty good place. We had the pre wedding parties, bachelor/bachelorette. lmao. My girls threw both! I love them to pieces. There were two that were the front runners of planning. Now I was in a much different place than I am now, young, naive. And much, much more "vanilla". Grew up in a conservative catholic background. My party was relatively harmless, but well my girls took him to partake in some very well, fetish kinda behaviors. Not huge, at the time they were HUGE to me, but its all in context.
He took it to mean that they gave their blessings on not just doing those activities but that he could go and cheat. When did I find out about this? Hummm the day after the wedding! NICE no one said shit to me the day before, because the bachelor party was two days prior, and no one said crap the day of... NOPE I find the bruises on him the day after, and inquire... NICE. SUPER violation of trust at the inner most level.
Well things aren't always smooth. I was cheated on for most of my marriage. Over it, there is a reason why we are divorced, not looking for the pity party just explaining the background, there is a purpose I swear. Small town I know what he is doing.... worse yet if he was honest, there may have been room for a dialog about it, and it may have been acceptable (when I say may, I mean would have).... but he NEVER said anything. LIES. Complied by more lies.
The abuse was mental and emotional. I didn't think I was worth anything ever. By the time I got to Oregon, the isolation made the abuse worse. I was alone. Very much alone, no fam, no friends. So I made friends. I was me, but shattered. TWO very different people. The me that was the shell and then the inner me that was broken. I could be a good little actress but I lost much of myself inside of that act. Another blog, I know... I digress.
The friends I gained in Oregon are incredible. Very much so the angels I needed, proof that God never gave up on me. Always there, even when I didn't want them, always giving. BC, the Sizemores, my boss ladies and gentlemen, and even my coworkers! We were all one big happy, family... dysfunctionally functional. If you have you gave, you shared. No questions, ever... I love those people with all I have! Incredible each and everyone of them. INCREDIBLE, I learned about friendship, unconditional friendship. Then E (aka Evan aka Ev) came into my life... I think I mentioned before that he just showed up. YUP he forked over in total about five grand. Nice. Just because he could, not because I knew about it, but because that's who he is, he just does, he had it so it wasn't a question, it wasn't something he thought about.
Anyhow point is I know things go south I know what it is to have to need, and have no one there. Did I mention that my ex ended up having the power shut off when I was home (out in the middle of nowhere), while I was pregnant. No power meant no water because we were living on a well. The well pump happened to be electric.... So that was a nightmare. Oh and no car to leave the premises! Thank goodness for some fantastic neighbors.
There are so many more examples, but I don't want or need the pity party right now, I am not a victim. Things happened, I made due, its what we call life. Point is that I give. I give back so much, that it hurts. And the people that I give to the most can also hurt me the most. I know double edged sword. I know. I don't expect when I give. I give to make their lives easier. I don't want to see anyone in pain, especially those I care about the most. Resistance I can deal with, I understand the other side. Flip it, really flip the roles, is it something you would do for me? If that answer is yes, then PLEASE let me do for you. LET me be your light.
Be the change you want to see in the world? I want to see compassion. LET me be compassionate.
Treat others how you want to be treated? Raise the bar. Treat them that way first, let them see how you want to be treated. How you should be treated. Lead by example. Let love in, let it be the guide... Oh there are so many cliches but it all amounts to this is me. I am a lover a giver. This is who I am. Never trying to offend... EVER. That is not my intention. This is the same way I would want someone to treat me, the same way I have been treated. Kindness and loving have been extended unto me and I will gladly pass it along.
Wow, spilt most of my heart there. Sorry. Wasn't sure that it was gonna go that deep. Not sure how much of it will ever be read or how much of it will be taken seriously. I get what I do and why I do it. And I never expect anything back, but a smile, a sigh.... somehow knowing that I made a difference for the good. That's all I need. EVER.
http://mnmsnickers.blogspot.com/2011/05/humm-why-screw-that-why-not.html
That is me people, that is who I am. I can expand and I will. Life hasn't always been what it is right now... Take a trip with me back a few years, actually about a decade, give or take.
I was living with my fiance.. we were going to be married. Things were in a pretty good place. We had the pre wedding parties, bachelor/bachelorette. lmao. My girls threw both! I love them to pieces. There were two that were the front runners of planning. Now I was in a much different place than I am now, young, naive. And much, much more "vanilla". Grew up in a conservative catholic background. My party was relatively harmless, but well my girls took him to partake in some very well, fetish kinda behaviors. Not huge, at the time they were HUGE to me, but its all in context.
He took it to mean that they gave their blessings on not just doing those activities but that he could go and cheat. When did I find out about this? Hummm the day after the wedding! NICE no one said shit to me the day before, because the bachelor party was two days prior, and no one said crap the day of... NOPE I find the bruises on him the day after, and inquire... NICE. SUPER violation of trust at the inner most level.
Well things aren't always smooth. I was cheated on for most of my marriage. Over it, there is a reason why we are divorced, not looking for the pity party just explaining the background, there is a purpose I swear. Small town I know what he is doing.... worse yet if he was honest, there may have been room for a dialog about it, and it may have been acceptable (when I say may, I mean would have).... but he NEVER said anything. LIES. Complied by more lies.
The abuse was mental and emotional. I didn't think I was worth anything ever. By the time I got to Oregon, the isolation made the abuse worse. I was alone. Very much alone, no fam, no friends. So I made friends. I was me, but shattered. TWO very different people. The me that was the shell and then the inner me that was broken. I could be a good little actress but I lost much of myself inside of that act. Another blog, I know... I digress.
The friends I gained in Oregon are incredible. Very much so the angels I needed, proof that God never gave up on me. Always there, even when I didn't want them, always giving. BC, the Sizemores, my boss ladies and gentlemen, and even my coworkers! We were all one big happy, family... dysfunctionally functional. If you have you gave, you shared. No questions, ever... I love those people with all I have! Incredible each and everyone of them. INCREDIBLE, I learned about friendship, unconditional friendship. Then E (aka Evan aka Ev) came into my life... I think I mentioned before that he just showed up. YUP he forked over in total about five grand. Nice. Just because he could, not because I knew about it, but because that's who he is, he just does, he had it so it wasn't a question, it wasn't something he thought about.
Anyhow point is I know things go south I know what it is to have to need, and have no one there. Did I mention that my ex ended up having the power shut off when I was home (out in the middle of nowhere), while I was pregnant. No power meant no water because we were living on a well. The well pump happened to be electric.... So that was a nightmare. Oh and no car to leave the premises! Thank goodness for some fantastic neighbors.
There are so many more examples, but I don't want or need the pity party right now, I am not a victim. Things happened, I made due, its what we call life. Point is that I give. I give back so much, that it hurts. And the people that I give to the most can also hurt me the most. I know double edged sword. I know. I don't expect when I give. I give to make their lives easier. I don't want to see anyone in pain, especially those I care about the most. Resistance I can deal with, I understand the other side. Flip it, really flip the roles, is it something you would do for me? If that answer is yes, then PLEASE let me do for you. LET me be your light.
Be the change you want to see in the world? I want to see compassion. LET me be compassionate.
Treat others how you want to be treated? Raise the bar. Treat them that way first, let them see how you want to be treated. How you should be treated. Lead by example. Let love in, let it be the guide... Oh there are so many cliches but it all amounts to this is me. I am a lover a giver. This is who I am. Never trying to offend... EVER. That is not my intention. This is the same way I would want someone to treat me, the same way I have been treated. Kindness and loving have been extended unto me and I will gladly pass it along.
Wow, spilt most of my heart there. Sorry. Wasn't sure that it was gonna go that deep. Not sure how much of it will ever be read or how much of it will be taken seriously. I get what I do and why I do it. And I never expect anything back, but a smile, a sigh.... somehow knowing that I made a difference for the good. That's all I need. EVER.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
take the red pill and see how deep the rabbit hole goes
I had this migraine yesterday and my body aches. More than that I did something stupid. I had some crazy dream last night. I know no control over your dreams, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. So it got my muse restless.... there was some stuff brought up in the dream... that got her stirring.
Basically left me feeling extremely empty. BOO! Well I don't do that well. So I got up and just let it all out, everything that was inside, got caught up on paper. Some of it is hurt, pain... but not all. There is an overwhelming amount of hope and healing in the words. I am scared to post. It still seems to real all that came out. I just let my pen go, and the paper was there to support me.
I don't know what it means other than I had feelings to express.
I am at a place in my life where I am very grateful for those who are in my life. I want to support their dreams and aspirations as much as I want my own success. Ready to take things head on. It upsets me to see someone hurting, always been that way, wishing I could take some of that burden on so that they wouldn't have to deal with it. I understand that it is their struggle to take on. But its hard to sit back and watch sometimes. I just don't like seeing people in pain or hurting or being mad...
I guess that's what most of the dream was about. Learned along time ago, that it is possible for me to manipulate my dreams; used to have terrible nightmares as a kid... horrific. One of the therapists I went to (yea, I said it, oooohhhh so taboo, blah) gave me some tools to get myself out of those situations... stop the panic in the dreams. The tools are pretty useful. More so I am so used to having them at my dispose that they are virtually in every dream I have. It's like a fire alarm. That's the best analogy I can use. At anytime I can find the item and change the dream. Hummm sounds like a few different movies.
Okay so Morpheus lets take the red pill and see how deep the rabbit hole goes. YUP. That's what happened exploring the dream and that is where all the poetry came out of. I just let it be. Just wanted to see what would spill forth. There is a huge range of things inside me. Wasn't aware to the depths of the feelings I tapped or how much certain people mean to me; even funnier? The lack of feelings for others OOOOO! Exhausted because it was a lot of emotion. But I am better on the other side. Resolving feelings and situations internally. In a good place now.
I sent a few text messages to friends earlier today, because looking at statuses it just seemed like everyone was having this kinda blah kinda day. So why not tell those I appreciate and care about most that care and appreciate them. Overwhelming responses back, I wasn't quite prepared for the response. Those I have yet to hear back from.. eh.. I hope that the message still found them well.
My body still aches, my soul is rejoicing though... and my heart is full but reserved. It's just what I feel, the result of that dream.
Not sure how much of this makes sense, the inside of my brain is mush. I know that I am on the right path in life at the moment. I took a big detour to get here but I am here. And that detour I learned a lot about myself. No regrets, because that's not how I live. Everything has a reason.
With a grateful heart I continue doing what I do....
Basically left me feeling extremely empty. BOO! Well I don't do that well. So I got up and just let it all out, everything that was inside, got caught up on paper. Some of it is hurt, pain... but not all. There is an overwhelming amount of hope and healing in the words. I am scared to post. It still seems to real all that came out. I just let my pen go, and the paper was there to support me.
I don't know what it means other than I had feelings to express.
I am at a place in my life where I am very grateful for those who are in my life. I want to support their dreams and aspirations as much as I want my own success. Ready to take things head on. It upsets me to see someone hurting, always been that way, wishing I could take some of that burden on so that they wouldn't have to deal with it. I understand that it is their struggle to take on. But its hard to sit back and watch sometimes. I just don't like seeing people in pain or hurting or being mad...
I guess that's what most of the dream was about. Learned along time ago, that it is possible for me to manipulate my dreams; used to have terrible nightmares as a kid... horrific. One of the therapists I went to (yea, I said it, oooohhhh so taboo, blah) gave me some tools to get myself out of those situations... stop the panic in the dreams. The tools are pretty useful. More so I am so used to having them at my dispose that they are virtually in every dream I have. It's like a fire alarm. That's the best analogy I can use. At anytime I can find the item and change the dream. Hummm sounds like a few different movies.
Okay so Morpheus lets take the red pill and see how deep the rabbit hole goes. YUP. That's what happened exploring the dream and that is where all the poetry came out of. I just let it be. Just wanted to see what would spill forth. There is a huge range of things inside me. Wasn't aware to the depths of the feelings I tapped or how much certain people mean to me; even funnier? The lack of feelings for others OOOOO! Exhausted because it was a lot of emotion. But I am better on the other side. Resolving feelings and situations internally. In a good place now.
I sent a few text messages to friends earlier today, because looking at statuses it just seemed like everyone was having this kinda blah kinda day. So why not tell those I appreciate and care about most that care and appreciate them. Overwhelming responses back, I wasn't quite prepared for the response. Those I have yet to hear back from.. eh.. I hope that the message still found them well.
My body still aches, my soul is rejoicing though... and my heart is full but reserved. It's just what I feel, the result of that dream.
Not sure how much of this makes sense, the inside of my brain is mush. I know that I am on the right path in life at the moment. I took a big detour to get here but I am here. And that detour I learned a lot about myself. No regrets, because that's not how I live. Everything has a reason.
With a grateful heart I continue doing what I do....
Monday, May 23, 2011
NO 'buts' in dreams (and other random updates)
So last night, ummm wait, wait, that would be this morning. LOL. Sometimes it all runs together. I had a great pep talk.
I am working through helping my friends see their dreams come true. Seriously, trust me with your dreams, I will support you ANY way I can! I vow and promise. I asked my friend to share his dream... He starts talking and then says "BUT"... and keeps talking and then says "BUT". I had to stop, interrupt.
I said wait stop with the "but's"....
He continued on and did it again! NOOOOO! I stopped him and told him unless you are Sir Mix-A-Lot there are no room for "buts" in your dream, even then the only "buts" allowed are the one with two t's. Every time you say the word "but" you negate everything you said previously. EVERYTHING.
I do believe he finally got the message.
I got the dream sans the word but. And we started really talking. Uncle Bob style small steps. I hope it put things in perspective for him. I hope that it gave him the pieces that he needed to put that huge puzzle together, or at least it oriented in the right direction. Still will support him the best way I know how and anyway possible.
Only fair, I shared my dreams too, and told him a bit about what is going on right now, how I am choosing the path that I am. How I fully intend on supporting a few others and their dreams. Trying to be that light, forever being that cheerleader, not giving up, backing my friends when ever possible.
There are some incredible people that I am associated with... In fact INCREDIBLE, is an understatement!!! They are all wonderful too, genuinely wonderful people to be around. Loving to see the doors of opportunity open up for each of them.
====
On a personal note, I got a message today, worked a bit more than 6 hrs worth of edits. And the result was, the producer man telling me that I am "on the right track, kiddo" sweet. Yea, he doesn't give out compliments. EVER. So that was pretty freaking great for my ego. Not sure all the time if I am getting anywhere or just treading water with this experiment... So positive feedback is very encouraging. Matt was jumping up and down in excitement. LOL. Lack of sleep, or maybe the migraine, I am not quite there yet.
Laura loves the poetry I sent her and is looking for another publishing house. Wow, that lady never stops. I am still a bit skeptical... its my poetry, feels weirder than my writing; that's my inner soul. I can't help feel a bit exposed. But I trust her, so I am letting go. Besides, as she put it I don't have to give her anything I am not ready to. *nods*
+++++++++++++++
Woke up with a killer migraine... guess I never truly went to sleep because of the pain. Ouchies. Gave into the muse and was writing, editing and clearly. Odd but was rolling with it. In so much pain at about 9:30ish and deciding that decapitation was not the best option (but the allegra, immetrex, benedryl, tylenol, ibuprofen, caffeine)... nothing was working... I went to see what teas could be made. Ooo. I forgot about the green instant cereal. It was an impulse buy two weeks ago at the Chinese Food Market. Sure, lets try it, why not, I need the experiment. It contains all kinds of green foods, ground up into powder form... I know on the list is matcha, wheat grass, and broccoli. Well maybe it will shove me into a detox and I can get rid of all this garbage in my head. That was the thinking at least.
Fine hot water. Okay open package... ummm alright, stir, got that. And now drink. OMG, what did I get myself into. Okay fine eat with a spoon. Hummm. Interesting texture, grainy like the matcha, but it also has some kinda grain in it. Idk, I don't speak or read Chinese at all so I don't know what it is. FINISHED, yea took me 45 min to eat but it stayed down.
An hour and a half later, started noticing relief! WOW, nose was running, pain was going away. FINALLY, the cold compress on the back of my neck seemed to be working too! YES! Relief. Alrighty. So three pm hits and I can only stay awake for about another hr. NO migraine, but exhaustion set in. I had to go to sleep. Slept hard for about 45 min ish and decided to just make sure this thing is really gone, so had another packet for dinner. Ohh but I also did eat lunch in there.
Seems that this was the driving force that stopped the migraine. I am not looking that gift horse in the mouth, ever. But it will be the first option I choose next time!
Ohhh one other funny story, Mom has found a "new" album, she likes. HAHA. Love that she was looking for my music this morning, saying that Pandora wasn't cutting it! And she was able to fix a pair of pants and save a dress too, MOM rocks. LOVE her!!!!
In summary. SUCCESS in several areas. I am a pretty happy girl at the moment. Still tired around the edges. But pretty happy.
I am working through helping my friends see their dreams come true. Seriously, trust me with your dreams, I will support you ANY way I can! I vow and promise. I asked my friend to share his dream... He starts talking and then says "BUT"... and keeps talking and then says "BUT". I had to stop, interrupt.
I said wait stop with the "but's"....
He continued on and did it again! NOOOOO! I stopped him and told him unless you are Sir Mix-A-Lot there are no room for "buts" in your dream, even then the only "buts" allowed are the one with two t's. Every time you say the word "but" you negate everything you said previously. EVERYTHING.
I do believe he finally got the message.
I got the dream sans the word but. And we started really talking. Uncle Bob style small steps. I hope it put things in perspective for him. I hope that it gave him the pieces that he needed to put that huge puzzle together, or at least it oriented in the right direction. Still will support him the best way I know how and anyway possible.
Only fair, I shared my dreams too, and told him a bit about what is going on right now, how I am choosing the path that I am. How I fully intend on supporting a few others and their dreams. Trying to be that light, forever being that cheerleader, not giving up, backing my friends when ever possible.
There are some incredible people that I am associated with... In fact INCREDIBLE, is an understatement!!! They are all wonderful too, genuinely wonderful people to be around. Loving to see the doors of opportunity open up for each of them.
====
On a personal note, I got a message today, worked a bit more than 6 hrs worth of edits. And the result was, the producer man telling me that I am "on the right track, kiddo" sweet. Yea, he doesn't give out compliments. EVER. So that was pretty freaking great for my ego. Not sure all the time if I am getting anywhere or just treading water with this experiment... So positive feedback is very encouraging. Matt was jumping up and down in excitement. LOL. Lack of sleep, or maybe the migraine, I am not quite there yet.
Laura loves the poetry I sent her and is looking for another publishing house. Wow, that lady never stops. I am still a bit skeptical... its my poetry, feels weirder than my writing; that's my inner soul. I can't help feel a bit exposed. But I trust her, so I am letting go. Besides, as she put it I don't have to give her anything I am not ready to. *nods*
+++++++++++++++
Woke up with a killer migraine... guess I never truly went to sleep because of the pain. Ouchies. Gave into the muse and was writing, editing and clearly. Odd but was rolling with it. In so much pain at about 9:30ish and deciding that decapitation was not the best option (but the allegra, immetrex, benedryl, tylenol, ibuprofen, caffeine)... nothing was working... I went to see what teas could be made. Ooo. I forgot about the green instant cereal. It was an impulse buy two weeks ago at the Chinese Food Market. Sure, lets try it, why not, I need the experiment. It contains all kinds of green foods, ground up into powder form... I know on the list is matcha, wheat grass, and broccoli. Well maybe it will shove me into a detox and I can get rid of all this garbage in my head. That was the thinking at least.
Fine hot water. Okay open package... ummm alright, stir, got that. And now drink. OMG, what did I get myself into. Okay fine eat with a spoon. Hummm. Interesting texture, grainy like the matcha, but it also has some kinda grain in it. Idk, I don't speak or read Chinese at all so I don't know what it is. FINISHED, yea took me 45 min to eat but it stayed down.
An hour and a half later, started noticing relief! WOW, nose was running, pain was going away. FINALLY, the cold compress on the back of my neck seemed to be working too! YES! Relief. Alrighty. So three pm hits and I can only stay awake for about another hr. NO migraine, but exhaustion set in. I had to go to sleep. Slept hard for about 45 min ish and decided to just make sure this thing is really gone, so had another packet for dinner. Ohh but I also did eat lunch in there.
Seems that this was the driving force that stopped the migraine. I am not looking that gift horse in the mouth, ever. But it will be the first option I choose next time!
Ohhh one other funny story, Mom has found a "new" album, she likes. HAHA. Love that she was looking for my music this morning, saying that Pandora wasn't cutting it! And she was able to fix a pair of pants and save a dress too, MOM rocks. LOVE her!!!!
In summary. SUCCESS in several areas. I am a pretty happy girl at the moment. Still tired around the edges. But pretty happy.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
a few things things on the inside...
Yea, posted a few poems recently.... lots of stuff, a range of emotions. Most of it "recycled" because I was asked for a range of emotions, samples. Deal, alright. Well my poetry is very raw. I feel pretty vulnerable putting myself out there. But why not take the jump. I have so much written lately. Feels like I have to constantly walk around with a notebook and pen otherwise I miss some of what my soul regurgitates. I know vivid thought, but there is no other way to describe how quickly things come up, out... emotions overwhelm sometimes, and sometimes, it's just the muse that starts speaking. Whatever the case, its all near the surface. Feels good to get things out there.
I am a very optimistic person, seeing the silver lining on almost every dark cloud. Always had that ability. I am a natural goof, a klutz too! So I bring smiles and laughter where ever I go. It's just who I am. Been told I am too trusting, probably. Here's the inside scoop. I have this internal child that runs around in rose-colored glasses. It's my internal nature, there is no other way to describe the inner me. Hang with me for a bit and you will see; just very fun loving and playful inner me. She does get hurt (yup talking about myself in third person). But I can and do know how to step back and get back to where I need to be.
I have some incredible people to thank that are in my life for helping me get back to me. They keep me pointed in the right way. LOVE them tremendously. I have so much to give and I hope I am able to support them in the same ways.
Grateful heart I proceed. (I know its a short entry and all over the place, excuse the scatterbrained me, but lots to do, edits to submit!!)
I am a very optimistic person, seeing the silver lining on almost every dark cloud. Always had that ability. I am a natural goof, a klutz too! So I bring smiles and laughter where ever I go. It's just who I am. Been told I am too trusting, probably. Here's the inside scoop. I have this internal child that runs around in rose-colored glasses. It's my internal nature, there is no other way to describe the inner me. Hang with me for a bit and you will see; just very fun loving and playful inner me. She does get hurt (yup talking about myself in third person). But I can and do know how to step back and get back to where I need to be.
I have some incredible people to thank that are in my life for helping me get back to me. They keep me pointed in the right way. LOVE them tremendously. I have so much to give and I hope I am able to support them in the same ways.
Grateful heart I proceed. (I know its a short entry and all over the place, excuse the scatterbrained me, but lots to do, edits to submit!!)
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Happy-Go-Lucky-ME
Today has been a good day so far. Lots still more to do!!!! Yea, yesterday was a bit off, and I apologize to my friends that I worried... I seriously needed down time and some space, to reset. Come back to myself. I was becoming jaded and angry, neither of which I AM. So I took a time out, got things right. PRAYED and MEDITATED. I heard once that prayer is you talking to God but meditation is when God gets to respond. Well things worked. I found peace yesterday. An internal peace. Maybe it was just me letting go. Whatever the case. I am back to self. YEA! Even found lots of validation that I am on the right track. Thanks peeps, for the back up.
I really do have the best possible friends and support group ever! Nope not partial, just honest.
Right now, I am in a place of pure gratitude. I have two sessions scheduled in about an hr. I am excited to be healing. YES! That is my calling, and I am more than humble to be able to help people feel better.
I had a fantastic last night, hanging out with friends talking to another just before. Good stuff. YES! Then an incredible morning spent quality time with an incredible person. YES!!! And then hanging out for a few hours just Mom and me for her birthday. SWEET! The day is looking amazing and we are only half way through.
Blessed to have a great family, even more so to have some WONDERFULLY terrific people in my life.
With a grateful heart I proceed.
I really do have the best possible friends and support group ever! Nope not partial, just honest.
Right now, I am in a place of pure gratitude. I have two sessions scheduled in about an hr. I am excited to be healing. YES! That is my calling, and I am more than humble to be able to help people feel better.
I had a fantastic last night, hanging out with friends talking to another just before. Good stuff. YES! Then an incredible morning spent quality time with an incredible person. YES!!! And then hanging out for a few hours just Mom and me for her birthday. SWEET! The day is looking amazing and we are only half way through.
Blessed to have a great family, even more so to have some WONDERFULLY terrific people in my life.
With a grateful heart I proceed.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Ignorance.
Okay so gonna hop on the soap box for a min... Addressing this rant because I AM gonna go there... YUP, this blog is gonna be opinionated... and I make no excuses or apologies for it... don't like it, continue on and I won't be offended in the slightest.
So of all the random things I could be talking about. All the wonderfully odd things that happened this week. When one door closes there is ALWAYS a window or door that opens... And success and happiness are the best revenge ever! I believe that its because you are too busy enjoying life to look back at the bad, what can be better than that? Indifference is really the opposite of love. YIKES! Never knew... but those aren't what I am discussing in this blog... Though they are great lessons that the universe has first handed showed me... Lessons learned and through God's grace I AM a better person (not a vicitm) with some interesting experiences.
ig·no·rance
So of all the random things I could be talking about. All the wonderfully odd things that happened this week. When one door closes there is ALWAYS a window or door that opens... And success and happiness are the best revenge ever! I believe that its because you are too busy enjoying life to look back at the bad, what can be better than that? Indifference is really the opposite of love. YIKES! Never knew... but those aren't what I am discussing in this blog... Though they are great lessons that the universe has first handed showed me... Lessons learned and through God's grace I AM a better person (not a vicitm) with some interesting experiences.
ig·no·rance
noun /ˈignərəns/ 1.) Lack of knowledge or information That was google's definition. While Wiki, describes it as several things including the one definition above but expanded to say... "Ignorance should be distinguished from stupidity, although both can lead to "unwise" acts. Also, if important information is available, one may fail to acquire it due to lack of intelligence (not realizing its importance, or not understanding it). The informal use of ignorant is the same as rude and discourteous..... Ignorance rooting from ignoring is a selective state of unawareness." The definitions are important... I was given a set of statements today... One's that are clearly made from pettiness and an ignorance. Let it be known that it NEVER made me mad, because this kinda hate, prejudice, comes from small minds. There is no other way to say it. No I kinda chuckled and wanted to know when the clock was turned back to the late ninetieth / maybe early twentieth century? Okay... PROGRESS, not REGRESS, and this is the twenty-first century... catch up. I decided to take it back, like Randall, in Clerks 2 Is it bad that this is the first thing I thought of when I heard the stupidity being repeated? Words only have as much 'power' as you let them have. To me, this doesn't have any but those of laughter. I love this scene and the ones that follow with Randall putting the phrase "Porch Monkey 4 Life" on the back of his Mooby's uniform shirt. The above clip is comical. No I know that term isn't and there are a slew, of terms, most in that clip, that aren't good either. But it is like I said, it only has power if you let it. I have lived a pretty normal life, growing up, yea, I am from a Chicano background, but I have been in a very supportive environment. I remember having friends and lots of them, never did we judge the color or lack of color of some one's skin. That is something they have no choice in the matter over. Rise above the way someone looks on the outside. It has always been instilled in me since I was a small kiddo.... My parent's best friends were an interracial couple, they were in their lives before I was even born. I grew up at Aunt Julie's and Uncle Keith's house, learned some of the hardships they had to go through... I remember those conversations, when I would ask why to them... and both trying to break things down on an age appropriate level for me. I couldn't understand it then and I still don't get it now. I had things come at me when I was showing horses... I remember those times vividly too, but Mom and Dad, and even Lesa (my instructor) did an excellent job not letting me focus on that hate. They said that those people were just upset because I was excelling where they weren't and there had to be something they could say to bring me down... so it was out of a small mind that they attack something I have no control over. At sixteen I was dating this guy from Ohio, RW. We had just been out horseback riding (it was his first time out, so I had given him my horse --gosh I miss Tinker!). I went to drop him off at home, and we were a hot mess, having been riding, cleaning stables, and the horses... anyhow, his dad opened the door and as I was thanking him for letting R come out for the day, he got pissed. Now I didn't understand where this was coming from because he was home on time, actually early, and a shower should take care of the rest. Haha, right? He looked right at me and said wait, are you Mexican? I shrugged and said yea. He said get off my property and you won't be talking to my son anymore. Oh the tears. I left feeling shame and hurt. That was the FIRST time it had hit and so hard and about me. WOW. Hate, geez. That was horrible. Okay, so yea, I am of Mexican American decent. Yup, it is in the ancestry... So is an LDS from UT... and a few Spanish people. Several southern families farther back... and Mom reminds me, (shutters) I am even related to the Donner family! Not entirely Mexican, there is also native in there, on Dad's side, my great, great, grandmother was a "gift" to my great great grandfather for helping the community re-establish themselves after a huge storm, and then the tribe disowned her. I am a mutt, no worries, though, a cute mutt. Hehe. I don't know how many are actually purebreds out there unless they happen to be inbred as well. SMH. MeCHAinlaw was pretty much a "good o'le boy". Racial slurs just fell out of his mouth every time the man spoke. Yea people like that exist... and nope not only in the south. I am actually pretty proud of that man though, because in the ten years I knew him, he grew up! We had many discussions, almost every time he'd say something... at least he listened to me, realized it was wrong... and in the end I was more upset to say goodbye to him than my ex husband! I still miss him dearly, he is a good father. The store that I worked at there was a few times there I was confronted as well with the issue of racism. Really? I still don't get it. How you can deal with talking to me on the phone, be my best friend, we work things out, and then everything changes when you meet me and I don't look like you think I should. WTH? So today's petty words were just that. Petty, ignorant. If that's all you have to come at me with... I am laughing. It's so small minded. And considering the source.... it may have been a case of someone throwing stones who lives in a glass house, but that seems to be the case too, normally. Those who are insecure try to make another insecure. News flash, it didn't work. In fact it solidified the fact that I am where I need to be. I don't need that kinda hate, negativity, or anything that brings in my life. There is NO place for that, never was, never will be. I just don't tolerate hate. *steps off the soapbox* If I have offended you reading....maybe you should check why you are offended. I don't hate people based off of something that is impossible to change. The color of your skin was not something chosen.... I look deeper at the character of the individual. I can and do still love all the people IN my life for who they are on the inside. Also being narrow minded you shut yourself off from a world of possibilities!!! |
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Addressing this now. But it will not define me.
Some crap went down, well continually goes down. Its finished completely today. I only go here because its not who I am but it does give witness to the changes in my life. The positive changes.
I the last few months there has been a caustic relationship in my life. Now this relationship never started that way, it was actually mutually supportive, good, positive. LONG DISTANCE. It had always been long distance. There were promises made to change that, but it never came to fruition. Two years passed and the relationship started going down hill. There were trust issues developing because I started getting my stuff together on my end. He wanted to know why I wasn't in my room 24/7 waiting to talk to him online.
When we met and talked, I was depressed. That is a fact, nothing to argue. Things have changed. I am back LIVING life again. Ready to conquer things head on. Got my self esteem back. I have been making positive changes for a while now. Well we broke up.
Okay so, he still wanted to date me, I said fine, come out here. A million and one excuses as to why he couldn't later. I got tired of it, its the same stuff I have been hearing for the last almost two years. Fine, I understand priorities. I am not going to miss out on someone wonderful for this guy to figure out if-you-want-to-maybe-kinda-in-the-future-there-might-be-a-possibility-of-sometime-playing-house-with-me-but-I-still-don't-trust-you-after-two-years-with-my-home-address! HUMMM. Yea. Yup this was the attitude I was getting. The relationship was turning sour. Instead of growing together, this was becoming a greater wedge between us.
My Best saw my pain, and she tried step in, she helped tremendously. Ultimately, eliminating a good chunk of those excuses he used. He show up? Nope fear controlled his response. We got into a huge fight. And I decided it was enough, I'd had it. Things were deleted, and methods of communication were blocked, because they were being used as tools to harm and cause pain. So he couldn't get to me, so he started attacking my friends. Wow, that's my family. That's some crap. Lower than low. (insert a million different not nice names to call him here.)
I have no regrets about who I am, what I have done in life it makes me who I am. I learned a lot from this particular relationship. I could sound entirely too jaded and probably have every to do so. This relationship taught me about anger. I was dealing with it from my ex. Had a ton of things to work through... Funnier yet, it taught me about love, and my capacity to love; proportional to the amount of anger I was harboring. HUMMM. Ironic now, but I learned sometime ago, that if I could and would let go of the anger I could love deeper and more fearlessly.
Today I found myself getting irate and irrationally thinking. This is NOT me. I am positive, wonderfully optimistic, happy-go-lucky... WTH? What gives this goober the right to change me? NOOOOO! I am gonna let it go. Apologize to my friends, hope they forgive me, because part of this is just beyond my control... my responsible part? This person should never have been this deep into my life, and he proved that, for that I am sorry... I never meant to hurt friends or family with this. It's one thing for me to be annoyed and hurt. Its entirely different for my family to be. I can only control my actions and reactions though... With that thought, I am picking myself up and moving on though.
Sorry for the hiccup folks. I am working on positive changes. And still get tripped up on things that never were or could be. Its those empty promises that look so good, but they are a mirage; get closer and its all a bunch of nada. I am documenting it because, well it happened. (past tense) and I promised to be real and honest.... and really honest.
So yea, this is part of me but is not who I am. LOL. Anger does not reside in this heart. I am grateful for those I have in my life, those who choose to be here. They are some incredible individuals, okay well a ton of incredible individuals... and I am still humbled by their greatness, every moment of everyday.
I the last few months there has been a caustic relationship in my life. Now this relationship never started that way, it was actually mutually supportive, good, positive. LONG DISTANCE. It had always been long distance. There were promises made to change that, but it never came to fruition. Two years passed and the relationship started going down hill. There were trust issues developing because I started getting my stuff together on my end. He wanted to know why I wasn't in my room 24/7 waiting to talk to him online.
When we met and talked, I was depressed. That is a fact, nothing to argue. Things have changed. I am back LIVING life again. Ready to conquer things head on. Got my self esteem back. I have been making positive changes for a while now. Well we broke up.
Okay so, he still wanted to date me, I said fine, come out here. A million and one excuses as to why he couldn't later. I got tired of it, its the same stuff I have been hearing for the last almost two years. Fine, I understand priorities. I am not going to miss out on someone wonderful for this guy to figure out if-you-want-to-maybe-kinda-in-the-future-there-might-be-a-possibility-of-sometime-playing-house-with-me-but-I-still-don't-trust-you-after-two-years-with-my-home-address! HUMMM. Yea. Yup this was the attitude I was getting. The relationship was turning sour. Instead of growing together, this was becoming a greater wedge between us.
My Best saw my pain, and she tried step in, she helped tremendously. Ultimately, eliminating a good chunk of those excuses he used. He show up? Nope fear controlled his response. We got into a huge fight. And I decided it was enough, I'd had it. Things were deleted, and methods of communication were blocked, because they were being used as tools to harm and cause pain. So he couldn't get to me, so he started attacking my friends. Wow, that's my family. That's some crap. Lower than low. (insert a million different not nice names to call him here.)
I have no regrets about who I am, what I have done in life it makes me who I am. I learned a lot from this particular relationship. I could sound entirely too jaded and probably have every to do so. This relationship taught me about anger. I was dealing with it from my ex. Had a ton of things to work through... Funnier yet, it taught me about love, and my capacity to love; proportional to the amount of anger I was harboring. HUMMM. Ironic now, but I learned sometime ago, that if I could and would let go of the anger I could love deeper and more fearlessly.
Today I found myself getting irate and irrationally thinking. This is NOT me. I am positive, wonderfully optimistic, happy-go-lucky... WTH? What gives this goober the right to change me? NOOOOO! I am gonna let it go. Apologize to my friends, hope they forgive me, because part of this is just beyond my control... my responsible part? This person should never have been this deep into my life, and he proved that, for that I am sorry... I never meant to hurt friends or family with this. It's one thing for me to be annoyed and hurt. Its entirely different for my family to be. I can only control my actions and reactions though... With that thought, I am picking myself up and moving on though.
Sorry for the hiccup folks. I am working on positive changes. And still get tripped up on things that never were or could be. Its those empty promises that look so good, but they are a mirage; get closer and its all a bunch of nada. I am documenting it because, well it happened. (past tense) and I promised to be real and honest.... and really honest.
So yea, this is part of me but is not who I am. LOL. Anger does not reside in this heart. I am grateful for those I have in my life, those who choose to be here. They are some incredible individuals, okay well a ton of incredible individuals... and I am still humbled by their greatness, every moment of everyday.
It's all just "stuff"
Challenged to pull out poetry. So, I am digging through things today, writing, and pulling out pieces here and there. Still keeping up on the character stuff. Out of left field crap comes in. DANG. There are always haters out there, shrugs. Oh well.
On to the positive. Much much better that way.
Digging out the poetry and the depths of Mael, are very much the same mood. Kinda melancholy, a bit nostalgic. LOL. The mood, maybe its the weather a bit too. But I am inspired. Writing styles and all and its been a bit since I have posted any poems. So there will be a few posted after, or if you are reading this one listed above it, as the most recent entry posts last.
Enjoy, they are gonna be randomly listed. Some of them are dark... feedback on any of them is always welcome.
On to the positive. Much much better that way.
Digging out the poetry and the depths of Mael, are very much the same mood. Kinda melancholy, a bit nostalgic. LOL. The mood, maybe its the weather a bit too. But I am inspired. Writing styles and all and its been a bit since I have posted any poems. So there will be a few posted after, or if you are reading this one listed above it, as the most recent entry posts last.
Enjoy, they are gonna be randomly listed. Some of them are dark... feedback on any of them is always welcome.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Talented? Oh yea, we bring that with us all the time!
Looking around at my friends, seeing the graveness that exists... HOW INCREDIBLY... I say "EPICALLY" talented they are all the time, I hope they never tire of it. I am inspired daily by them!
Una vez mas? Maybe a bit louder.....
ALL of you INSPIRE me DAILY by your talent. Yup, I will go shout it out if I need to, ummm not sure that I should wear the stilettos on the roof though, seems that may be dangerous!
Whether its listening to music, reading poems, looking at your photography, or your drawings... HOLY cow. I got some talented friends. But its also your interpersonal relationships that are inspiring. How you listen, how you pay attention.
You all have wonderful personalities.. this is the key.. all you know me well enough to know that sarcasm is well almost a primary language, that positivity rolls off me all the time, that I am a goof ball, *insert cheesy grin here*. I love to make people laugh, eh I will even be the butt of the joke (epic klutz here) if it makes you smile!
In the last few days, I have had the wonderful opportunity of introducing my friends to my other friends! YES. Lets do this, why not? Then you all can share the silly-Mari stories. Yea, they exist. SMH. NO what is even better is that for the most part, they all fit. Duh? Of course, I love that networking. Hehe! And I hope that you can continue to inspire each other, or at least that's part of the goal.
I got more writing to do later. Matt wants more of Mael. That maybe hard to find. idk, we were talking about him "learning" things, ahhhh evolution of a character, blah. But enough procrastination. I got kiddos to run to pick up! YES... and MUSIC to listen to on the way there, thanks Papi!!!!!!! (oh and JJ bought a copy today).
Una vez mas? Maybe a bit louder.....
ALL of you INSPIRE me DAILY by your talent. Yup, I will go shout it out if I need to, ummm not sure that I should wear the stilettos on the roof though, seems that may be dangerous!
Whether its listening to music, reading poems, looking at your photography, or your drawings... HOLY cow. I got some talented friends. But its also your interpersonal relationships that are inspiring. How you listen, how you pay attention.
You all have wonderful personalities.. this is the key.. all you know me well enough to know that sarcasm is well almost a primary language, that positivity rolls off me all the time, that I am a goof ball, *insert cheesy grin here*. I love to make people laugh, eh I will even be the butt of the joke (epic klutz here) if it makes you smile!
In the last few days, I have had the wonderful opportunity of introducing my friends to my other friends! YES. Lets do this, why not? Then you all can share the silly-Mari stories. Yea, they exist. SMH. NO what is even better is that for the most part, they all fit. Duh? Of course, I love that networking. Hehe! And I hope that you can continue to inspire each other, or at least that's part of the goal.
I got more writing to do later. Matt wants more of Mael. That maybe hard to find. idk, we were talking about him "learning" things, ahhhh evolution of a character, blah. But enough procrastination. I got kiddos to run to pick up! YES... and MUSIC to listen to on the way there, thanks Papi!!!!!!! (oh and JJ bought a copy today).
Stand back here I come!
Bringing the positive energy like a freight train. Got inspired this morning from a conversation by my ex boss, yup, Bossman himself, just jumped right in. Random text at 6am wth telling me to call him? Okay, sure you woke me up, why not I will bite. (He's married, and I love his wife dearly, I quit on good terms.) He was like I was just thinking of you. I said boss, I got a job, watching the girls but next week if you need a kirby girl, we can work something out in the office, I am avail for phone work. LMAO. He was like hummm maybe. But I just wanted to see how my ex employee, more importantly a friend was doing, since, you fell off the map kiddo. Ohh I did. Yikes.
Well Bossman does what Bossman does best, and got the positive energy stirred. I think it worked for him too! Motivation IS the key, let's keep it going! He was encouraging me to talk about my dreams, my aspirations. Oh man, its Matt all over again *rolling my eyes*, love you Matthew, owe you bunches! Thanks Bossman, you are flippin amazing too!!!!!
So here it goes, some time ago I wanted to open a place. LOL. Pro-D class (professional development) in Massage School. Okay sweet. My own place, yea, it was an assignment to come up with something, how we'd market things, promotional material, services, prices. Ummm my problem with my dreams are, well they are crazy big. I don't do anything small. Hehe, shut up, Dennis, no wise cracks about that (keep your mind right people).
Okay so BIG dreams, in Pro-D thanks Mr. Saunders too, for extrapolating that and helping me organize the chaos that can be my mind. Huge facility integrating massage, spa, pool, gym, holistic health, and fitness classes... thinking a retreat kinda facility but a family friendly one, heck even put a dog daycare/grooming facility... why not bring the dog along too! LOL. Affordable staycation at its finest. WHOLE family goes in everyone enjoys. This is some good stuff, great ideas.
There are so many details, Bossman and Matt have made me go in depth. It can happen, I CAN SEE IT. I have some incredible friends, and this would be a way that we could all help the community. SWEET!
Oh wait, that's not where the dream stops, because that is small potatoes. HAHA. Yea it was the biggest dream in the class, just at the salon/spa level, not even going to a bigger facility incorporating more. So the huge place... why not make more than one? YUP. Thinking there needs to be at least 4 of them. LMAO. Dream, dream big.
So, there were some specifics there, not a great deal, but its MY dream people, this is an open blog, ask and I will elaborate willingly... even better question!
Okay so the challenge today was manifest greatness. Deal.
>>>> I promise, I vow.. (and I will continue to say it, take me up on it!) to each one of my friends that if you share your dreams with me (yea it can be a vulnerable place) I will not only support them, but back them; be your cheerleader! Keep you motivated and moving toward those dreams.<<<<
Lets do this! I know trust is something huge but it is worth the effort. Generally speaking I am pretty good at motivating. (That was actually the reason why Bossman called me, because he needed a fire under his butt). Here's the story, I love unconditionally and am willing to help people get back up no matter how they fall. It's the selfish empath in me that wants you to succeed too. Well sorta, but I want the best for the people I am around, I am involved with. Love to see dreams happen.
_____
In the midst of writing this this morning... I got disrupted. LMBO. Phone call from Laura who is out of town with her sis. Seems that Matt got one from her friend in WA, and told her to call me or he would. Ut oh, my second Mom and Dad are fighting? No, Laura went behind Matt's back and because Jared (tv producer man) doesn't have an exclusive part to the writing; she took it upon herself to submit excerpts from the stories, to two publisher friends of hers. YOWZERS. Warp speed ahead. She is used to propelling Matt into things, its one of the reasons they are together, she supports all his wonderfully-insane yet artistic endeavors. I wasn't quite prepared for the ride. But awesome. I am giddy, excited, stoked; but trying to stay reserved, its just a publisher, they can do as they see fit with it. Sure there are things that run across their desk that well don't see much light of day. PRETTY COOL though. Laura and her two friends think its worthy of submission.
Well Bossman does what Bossman does best, and got the positive energy stirred. I think it worked for him too! Motivation IS the key, let's keep it going! He was encouraging me to talk about my dreams, my aspirations. Oh man, its Matt all over again *rolling my eyes*, love you Matthew, owe you bunches! Thanks Bossman, you are flippin amazing too!!!!!
So here it goes, some time ago I wanted to open a place. LOL. Pro-D class (professional development) in Massage School. Okay sweet. My own place, yea, it was an assignment to come up with something, how we'd market things, promotional material, services, prices. Ummm my problem with my dreams are, well they are crazy big. I don't do anything small. Hehe, shut up, Dennis, no wise cracks about that (keep your mind right people).
Okay so BIG dreams, in Pro-D thanks Mr. Saunders too, for extrapolating that and helping me organize the chaos that can be my mind. Huge facility integrating massage, spa, pool, gym, holistic health, and fitness classes... thinking a retreat kinda facility but a family friendly one, heck even put a dog daycare/grooming facility... why not bring the dog along too! LOL. Affordable staycation at its finest. WHOLE family goes in everyone enjoys. This is some good stuff, great ideas.
There are so many details, Bossman and Matt have made me go in depth. It can happen, I CAN SEE IT. I have some incredible friends, and this would be a way that we could all help the community. SWEET!
Oh wait, that's not where the dream stops, because that is small potatoes. HAHA. Yea it was the biggest dream in the class, just at the salon/spa level, not even going to a bigger facility incorporating more. So the huge place... why not make more than one? YUP. Thinking there needs to be at least 4 of them. LMAO. Dream, dream big.
So, there were some specifics there, not a great deal, but its MY dream people, this is an open blog, ask and I will elaborate willingly... even better question!
Okay so the challenge today was manifest greatness. Deal.
>>>> I promise, I vow.. (and I will continue to say it, take me up on it!) to each one of my friends that if you share your dreams with me (yea it can be a vulnerable place) I will not only support them, but back them; be your cheerleader! Keep you motivated and moving toward those dreams.<<<<
Lets do this! I know trust is something huge but it is worth the effort. Generally speaking I am pretty good at motivating. (That was actually the reason why Bossman called me, because he needed a fire under his butt). Here's the story, I love unconditionally and am willing to help people get back up no matter how they fall. It's the selfish empath in me that wants you to succeed too. Well sorta, but I want the best for the people I am around, I am involved with. Love to see dreams happen.
_____
In the midst of writing this this morning... I got disrupted. LMBO. Phone call from Laura who is out of town with her sis. Seems that Matt got one from her friend in WA, and told her to call me or he would. Ut oh, my second Mom and Dad are fighting? No, Laura went behind Matt's back and because Jared (tv producer man) doesn't have an exclusive part to the writing; she took it upon herself to submit excerpts from the stories, to two publisher friends of hers. YOWZERS. Warp speed ahead. She is used to propelling Matt into things, its one of the reasons they are together, she supports all his wonderfully-insane yet artistic endeavors. I wasn't quite prepared for the ride. But awesome. I am giddy, excited, stoked; but trying to stay reserved, its just a publisher, they can do as they see fit with it. Sure there are things that run across their desk that well don't see much light of day. PRETTY COOL though. Laura and her two friends think its worthy of submission.
WTH was with today?
LMAO. So I guess I started it, I DARED everyone to smile on my FB status. Lesson learned. Not doing that again. SMH. It was an uphill battle kinda day. Random. I mean, yea, Monday, but I was ready for it.
The last few weeks I have gotten outta routine. Got a massage yesterday. WHOOOHOOO! Fantastic therapist, graduating in a week. Awesome, it was completely spontaneous decision. I know, yea, but it was INCREDIBLE. Was hoping that I would get a newbie or one on their way out, either way, I wanted someone who needed some great feedback. Going to the student clinic, giving back... I remember having to deal with that, and I remember how important former student feedback was. How much I respected what someone else in the field had to say... was determined to be honest and encouraging.
Found the greatest therapist! She was wonderfully intuitive, I told her to go with what she needed to practice, no expectations. WHOOOHOOO! Perfect, pressure was great, draping amazing (I think I learned a new technique) and I loved the confidence she had on the preinterview questions. WOW. I am taking notes on that one. Spoke of draping policy and expectations. I mean up front asking if I wanted glute work! NICE. And then explaining that if I had 'boundries' that she would respect them but that would mean no work, in the area... aka if I left on my undergarments it would be considered a boundary she respected. NICELY put. Gotcha. So yea, I was ready for a fantastic massage, and got exactly what I wanted. Terrific stuff happened. Man it kicked my butt yesterday too, I was exhausted and detoxing today. It took a good nap for me today in order get back on top of things. But I am good now. CLEAR HEADED.
So today was off, maybe it was the session yesterday... but I really don't think so. I was exhausted, but didn't get a good night's sleep, couldn't too much on my brain. lol. Woke up earlier than I needed. Had the princesses, LOVE them, missed them both. Then ran my errands. I had a zillion of them. Yesterday doing laundry I realized I needed new sheets, for massages this week. Alright. I was also thinking about getting lotion instead of just working with oil, because it is getting warmer. Alright... so two more things to do today and add to the list. Check, check. Only it wasn't that easy for some reason. There were like a zillion barriers in the way. LOL. I guess I was supposed to run around like a crazy chicken today.
I also had to get the stuff straightened out with the bank. Had a problem on Friday and was told it would take 48 hrs to get resolved, ummm no resolution. WOW. Yea, so while I was out looking for sheets and lotion... and running Matts errands (dry cleaning, copies at kinkos, and then to the post office for him) I was trying to make this phone call. YIKES. Alrighty. Multi tasking to the rescue.
So the sheet and lotion excursion was just that, wow, several stores. Somehow along the way I got other answers too, I guess I needed the time and the space to come to my own conclusions. But things were uber frustrating at the same time. Mom was cracking up because the only thing keeping me from kicking butt was the music I was listening too, and cranking it up! Somehow the level of frustration was directly linked to the loudness of the music. HAHA.
Things got more complicated the more I tried. So stepping back last night, realizing I was fighting with the day.. I made the decision to just stop, meditate, and listen. Maybe there was a sign or a few signs I was missing. YUP.
Letting go, I am a control freak, fine I admit it. Seeing stuff in this blog you will learn how true that statement is. Sometimes you have to let go of the control, somethings are truly out of your hands. I did let go. And I felt at peace with alot of stuff that finally happened yesterday, last min, but things happened. And my decisions my actions were validated! SWEET!!!!!
-------
**the above was written last night**
Today I am taking the ball that was given and running with it, touchdown people. LET's GO!!!! Being that positive driving force, nothing is stopping it today. NOTHING! Lots to do, but it all starts with me getting off my tail feathers. Will write later, gators. Have a wonderful day!!!!
The last few weeks I have gotten outta routine. Got a massage yesterday. WHOOOHOOO! Fantastic therapist, graduating in a week. Awesome, it was completely spontaneous decision. I know, yea, but it was INCREDIBLE. Was hoping that I would get a newbie or one on their way out, either way, I wanted someone who needed some great feedback. Going to the student clinic, giving back... I remember having to deal with that, and I remember how important former student feedback was. How much I respected what someone else in the field had to say... was determined to be honest and encouraging.
Found the greatest therapist! She was wonderfully intuitive, I told her to go with what she needed to practice, no expectations. WHOOOHOOO! Perfect, pressure was great, draping amazing (I think I learned a new technique) and I loved the confidence she had on the preinterview questions. WOW. I am taking notes on that one. Spoke of draping policy and expectations. I mean up front asking if I wanted glute work! NICE. And then explaining that if I had 'boundries' that she would respect them but that would mean no work, in the area... aka if I left on my undergarments it would be considered a boundary she respected. NICELY put. Gotcha. So yea, I was ready for a fantastic massage, and got exactly what I wanted. Terrific stuff happened. Man it kicked my butt yesterday too, I was exhausted and detoxing today. It took a good nap for me today in order get back on top of things. But I am good now. CLEAR HEADED.
So today was off, maybe it was the session yesterday... but I really don't think so. I was exhausted, but didn't get a good night's sleep, couldn't too much on my brain. lol. Woke up earlier than I needed. Had the princesses, LOVE them, missed them both. Then ran my errands. I had a zillion of them. Yesterday doing laundry I realized I needed new sheets, for massages this week. Alright. I was also thinking about getting lotion instead of just working with oil, because it is getting warmer. Alright... so two more things to do today and add to the list. Check, check. Only it wasn't that easy for some reason. There were like a zillion barriers in the way. LOL. I guess I was supposed to run around like a crazy chicken today.
I also had to get the stuff straightened out with the bank. Had a problem on Friday and was told it would take 48 hrs to get resolved, ummm no resolution. WOW. Yea, so while I was out looking for sheets and lotion... and running Matts errands (dry cleaning, copies at kinkos, and then to the post office for him) I was trying to make this phone call. YIKES. Alrighty. Multi tasking to the rescue.
So the sheet and lotion excursion was just that, wow, several stores. Somehow along the way I got other answers too, I guess I needed the time and the space to come to my own conclusions. But things were uber frustrating at the same time. Mom was cracking up because the only thing keeping me from kicking butt was the music I was listening too, and cranking it up! Somehow the level of frustration was directly linked to the loudness of the music. HAHA.
Things got more complicated the more I tried. So stepping back last night, realizing I was fighting with the day.. I made the decision to just stop, meditate, and listen. Maybe there was a sign or a few signs I was missing. YUP.
Letting go, I am a control freak, fine I admit it. Seeing stuff in this blog you will learn how true that statement is. Sometimes you have to let go of the control, somethings are truly out of your hands. I did let go. And I felt at peace with alot of stuff that finally happened yesterday, last min, but things happened. And my decisions my actions were validated! SWEET!!!!!
-------
**the above was written last night**
Today I am taking the ball that was given and running with it, touchdown people. LET's GO!!!! Being that positive driving force, nothing is stopping it today. NOTHING! Lots to do, but it all starts with me getting off my tail feathers. Will write later, gators. Have a wonderful day!!!!
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Clearning out space
Hasn't quite been a week of posting positive affirmations but things are starting to change, manifest positive outcomes. Yes, I am walking that walk too, not just talking!
Change can happen. Change your mind, change your thoughts... Move through the crap, cut out the unproductive vine... keep on moving forward. You will be like the cream, rising to the top! Small changes can result in big things happening, this is something that I have seen, this last week. --- all of these statements are things that have been said to me this week by friends!
I know general statements. Gonna start off with today's affirmation and progress from there, explaining a bit how it applies and what happened to me. You get what you project, its why I wanted to work on the affirmations, laws of attraction.
"I attract only healthy relationships"
This last week, oh wow. The good people in my life those supporting the positive changes those who want to be a part of this and get behind me, are there. FIRMLY there! BTW, HECK YEA! I have never felt so much positive energy, so much positive support. I am a happy girl, personally. Feeling validated in a major way. Things are moving the way they should be. There are always the negative energy, the haters. Its pretty interesting that I had that force come at me twice. DONE. There just isn't any room in my life for it.
If I allow the negative, its like I have said for the last few years... let me use the analogy of a closet... spring cleaning. What do you do? You organize, toss out the stuff that doesn't fit, is out of date, or style, purge the stuff out of the closet that isn't working for you.... why? To make room for the good stuff! For new stuff. If you hang on to the negative, then there isn't room for the positive. I have taken this analogy and ran with it for a while, remembering to clear out that negative energy out of my life out of my personal space every so often.... when I purposely make space for positive energy, relationships, I always get them. YES! It's totally worth the change. Completely worth it the trust in the process.
Life hasn't always been this positive for me. We all have stories. Here's the raw part from me... Victim of rape, abuse (mental, emotional, and physical), caustic relationships. That is just the tip of the iceberg. Not wanting to wear that "victim status" yea, it happened. At some point I may go into those subjects, its actually pretty likely, this is a fairly new blog. Peeling off the layers slower. I do firmly believe, that you can be the 'victim' your whole life, or you can take it, run with it... wear what happened to you, like a badge, say you went through it. It MAKES you who you are at this very moment. I am a very loving person and trusting despite all that has happened. I won't let some bad choices of others change me, that to me, lets them have that part of me, that uniqueness. NOPE. I am who I am, they won't change it. Projecting the positive.
There are about eight affirmations that I see on a daily basis, sticky noted. Its subliminal messages at this point, something is sticking to the inside of my subconscious too, its working. The positive relationship affirmation has been on my mirror since Monday. lol, things have happened, changes, and all for the better.
Good things are happening. And I am open to the idea of more good things happening. Diversity happens too, challenge, there will always be something out there to try and shake it up and make things difficult. I have, as this week has proved, a wonderful support system.
Speaking of that system.... I owe some HUGE thank yous to people in my life. In the midst of diversity, the stood there, told me they had my back, gave me words of encouragement, and let me be me. They didn't "fix it for me". They just let me know that the answer lied within and within my trust in GOD. They ROCK. I am still grateful for so much.
I know I have done my share of leaning this week. This works both ways. All those people in my life, I am there for them too. I will be (this blog is my witness) your biggest cheerleader (fan), your shoulder should you need me, a safe place to tell your secrets to, and if you trust me enough with your dreams. I will help you get there, moving mountains if we need to one grain of sand at a time. Let me be there, and I will.
Still shooting for the moon!
I know random blog again. Yikes, but these thoughts and ideas need to go somewhere. They have to manifest. Thanks for reading.
A heart full of gratitude, I keep on moving forward.
Change can happen. Change your mind, change your thoughts... Move through the crap, cut out the unproductive vine... keep on moving forward. You will be like the cream, rising to the top! Small changes can result in big things happening, this is something that I have seen, this last week. --- all of these statements are things that have been said to me this week by friends!
I know general statements. Gonna start off with today's affirmation and progress from there, explaining a bit how it applies and what happened to me. You get what you project, its why I wanted to work on the affirmations, laws of attraction.
"I attract only healthy relationships"
This last week, oh wow. The good people in my life those supporting the positive changes those who want to be a part of this and get behind me, are there. FIRMLY there! BTW, HECK YEA! I have never felt so much positive energy, so much positive support. I am a happy girl, personally. Feeling validated in a major way. Things are moving the way they should be. There are always the negative energy, the haters. Its pretty interesting that I had that force come at me twice. DONE. There just isn't any room in my life for it.
If I allow the negative, its like I have said for the last few years... let me use the analogy of a closet... spring cleaning. What do you do? You organize, toss out the stuff that doesn't fit, is out of date, or style, purge the stuff out of the closet that isn't working for you.... why? To make room for the good stuff! For new stuff. If you hang on to the negative, then there isn't room for the positive. I have taken this analogy and ran with it for a while, remembering to clear out that negative energy out of my life out of my personal space every so often.... when I purposely make space for positive energy, relationships, I always get them. YES! It's totally worth the change. Completely worth it the trust in the process.
Life hasn't always been this positive for me. We all have stories. Here's the raw part from me... Victim of rape, abuse (mental, emotional, and physical), caustic relationships. That is just the tip of the iceberg. Not wanting to wear that "victim status" yea, it happened. At some point I may go into those subjects, its actually pretty likely, this is a fairly new blog. Peeling off the layers slower. I do firmly believe, that you can be the 'victim' your whole life, or you can take it, run with it... wear what happened to you, like a badge, say you went through it. It MAKES you who you are at this very moment. I am a very loving person and trusting despite all that has happened. I won't let some bad choices of others change me, that to me, lets them have that part of me, that uniqueness. NOPE. I am who I am, they won't change it. Projecting the positive.
There are about eight affirmations that I see on a daily basis, sticky noted. Its subliminal messages at this point, something is sticking to the inside of my subconscious too, its working. The positive relationship affirmation has been on my mirror since Monday. lol, things have happened, changes, and all for the better.
Good things are happening. And I am open to the idea of more good things happening. Diversity happens too, challenge, there will always be something out there to try and shake it up and make things difficult. I have, as this week has proved, a wonderful support system.
Speaking of that system.... I owe some HUGE thank yous to people in my life. In the midst of diversity, the stood there, told me they had my back, gave me words of encouragement, and let me be me. They didn't "fix it for me". They just let me know that the answer lied within and within my trust in GOD. They ROCK. I am still grateful for so much.
I know I have done my share of leaning this week. This works both ways. All those people in my life, I am there for them too. I will be (this blog is my witness) your biggest cheerleader (fan), your shoulder should you need me, a safe place to tell your secrets to, and if you trust me enough with your dreams. I will help you get there, moving mountains if we need to one grain of sand at a time. Let me be there, and I will.
Still shooting for the moon!
I know random blog again. Yikes, but these thoughts and ideas need to go somewhere. They have to manifest. Thanks for reading.
A heart full of gratitude, I keep on moving forward.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Not As "Far From An Angel" As You May Believe
Ever have that person in your life... the one that comes into your life and radiates hope and love. Not saying it has to be romantic, hearts and flowers kinda love. No more like the friendship unconditional type.
There are a few individuals like that in mine and I know one of them claims to be 'far from an angel' but he most certainly is, actually they all are.
I am incredibly blessed, my life path has been put back on track. Set right. Yea, its taken a few years, but after all the years of destruction, its usually gonna take a bit to get back. Looking at the people in my life, God has never given up on me, there are some incredibly wonderful friends I have that radiate HIS light. Come to think of it, I am drawn like a moth to a flame to most of them. I guess its searching for my internal light, maybe or just the attraction. I could sit in their presence all day, most of them, well no, all of them, just basking in the light, their light, HIS light. Whatever the case is I KNOW these people are in my life for a reason. I love them all.
Everything happens for a reason. My conversation earlier was pretty incredible. The affirmation today, good stuff! Rhetorical question. How is it that we will listen to Tom-Tom (garmin) and follow it's directions exactly, having faith that we will get to our destination in one piece, on time, safely... and yet we question our Creator and HIS plans for us? Challenge you to let God be your GPS, follow HIS plan, and let him guide you even if you make a wrong turn, he will lead you back.
Yea, that was a deep conversation. Nice analogy. It was sincere and just shooting from the hip, really. But it made sense. I edited pages this morning, and was kinda bummed about it, but letting it go, there is a reason why there were revisions that were asked... and a few of them I feel better about, most, eh. I do think its a big picture thing so I am alright with that process.
Had my moment of being star struck too, its just me, I am a nerd. But incredibly humbled when someone very talented (yea pedestal, blah blah, don't rain on my parade) actually takes a moment to speak to me. I know they are busy, it just well, I guess I am honored. Humbled and honored.
While I was "networking" with said individuals I had an incredible opportunity to witness some great things happening between two friends!!! I love my life. I love my friends. Hummm both of these ladies I would consider them the people that are in the third paragraph. Introducing them seemed so natural. I do love it when we all lift each other up! That's how it should be. Friends should be able to be there for each other, and raise each other up, that is a true gift. I am blessed to know these ladies.
The day got better, I got to bask in another angel's light. LOL. He is too humble to call himself that as well, but isn't that one of the key signs? Yea. I do believe so. Incredibly talented in his own right, the conversation flowed easily. Thought provoking again, dang.
With my mind all over the place and trying to process the day sometimes I just need a "timeout". Came home and stretched out, yoga! LOVE that. Breathing exercises too, maybe I will get into some of those on here. Meditation. Ahhhh. Got me back to me. Centered, grounded. Back to the healing; massage therapist mode. My fave. It feels good, good to know that I have a purpose, good to know that my experiences in life are validated from a greater power. But even better to know that I am easing pain or even just stress from someone for a bit of time.
Yea, its almost that time to go do that. I am just letting everything out. Letting it all go, so I can get back to that frame of mind. I am almost there. Close.
I went on a small errand. And listening to my music. VALIDATION. Yup. I wonder if that particular Angel knows how grateful I am to them. I hope.
This blog is about as organized as my thought process today, sorry....
Grateful heart I proceed. Keeping it going.
There are a few individuals like that in mine and I know one of them claims to be 'far from an angel' but he most certainly is, actually they all are.
I am incredibly blessed, my life path has been put back on track. Set right. Yea, its taken a few years, but after all the years of destruction, its usually gonna take a bit to get back. Looking at the people in my life, God has never given up on me, there are some incredibly wonderful friends I have that radiate HIS light. Come to think of it, I am drawn like a moth to a flame to most of them. I guess its searching for my internal light, maybe or just the attraction. I could sit in their presence all day, most of them, well no, all of them, just basking in the light, their light, HIS light. Whatever the case is I KNOW these people are in my life for a reason. I love them all.
Everything happens for a reason. My conversation earlier was pretty incredible. The affirmation today, good stuff! Rhetorical question. How is it that we will listen to Tom-Tom (garmin) and follow it's directions exactly, having faith that we will get to our destination in one piece, on time, safely... and yet we question our Creator and HIS plans for us? Challenge you to let God be your GPS, follow HIS plan, and let him guide you even if you make a wrong turn, he will lead you back.
Yea, that was a deep conversation. Nice analogy. It was sincere and just shooting from the hip, really. But it made sense. I edited pages this morning, and was kinda bummed about it, but letting it go, there is a reason why there were revisions that were asked... and a few of them I feel better about, most, eh. I do think its a big picture thing so I am alright with that process.
Had my moment of being star struck too, its just me, I am a nerd. But incredibly humbled when someone very talented (yea pedestal, blah blah, don't rain on my parade) actually takes a moment to speak to me. I know they are busy, it just well, I guess I am honored. Humbled and honored.
While I was "networking" with said individuals I had an incredible opportunity to witness some great things happening between two friends!!! I love my life. I love my friends. Hummm both of these ladies I would consider them the people that are in the third paragraph. Introducing them seemed so natural. I do love it when we all lift each other up! That's how it should be. Friends should be able to be there for each other, and raise each other up, that is a true gift. I am blessed to know these ladies.
The day got better, I got to bask in another angel's light. LOL. He is too humble to call himself that as well, but isn't that one of the key signs? Yea. I do believe so. Incredibly talented in his own right, the conversation flowed easily. Thought provoking again, dang.
With my mind all over the place and trying to process the day sometimes I just need a "timeout". Came home and stretched out, yoga! LOVE that. Breathing exercises too, maybe I will get into some of those on here. Meditation. Ahhhh. Got me back to me. Centered, grounded. Back to the healing; massage therapist mode. My fave. It feels good, good to know that I have a purpose, good to know that my experiences in life are validated from a greater power. But even better to know that I am easing pain or even just stress from someone for a bit of time.
Yea, its almost that time to go do that. I am just letting everything out. Letting it all go, so I can get back to that frame of mind. I am almost there. Close.
I went on a small errand. And listening to my music. VALIDATION. Yup. I wonder if that particular Angel knows how grateful I am to them. I hope.
This blog is about as organized as my thought process today, sorry....
Grateful heart I proceed. Keeping it going.
keeping it real
Oo. I have incredible people in my life! INCREDIBLE. I love their honesty and who they all are. Things have been a bit interesting the last couple of days. Interesting good, but still interesting.
Gonna be positive about it, even the not so pleasant parts, and gonna say that its an opportunity for growth. In actuality, 85% of it was good! The rest is just change. I am getting set in my ways. Change not coming as easily to me either. LOL. Like that writing process and me fighting the edits, but I did it. I could wring Matt's neck too, because he says, "yea we are going back to most of the original... I didn't see the 'big picture' til now." Thanks. LOVE YOU TOO! *breathing* what else can I do? I have to just trust in the process.
trust in the process... hummmm
Change. I did cut that 'unproductive vine', Sir! Moving on, I don't have place in my life for that. Yes, Sir, you were correct. Congrats calling it for what it is. I do listen to my friends, I am also incredibly hopeful. DW, and LJ, I at some point will figure it out, that's gentlemen for your patience. Kimmie, Ryan, and Papi you were right too, with you f**k 'em statements! Yikes. Thanks Cookie for trying to keep the boat afloat for so long, it was a sinking ship. Jenn and Allie, yup... See I just need to be V8 face palmed every so often. Point is, I got nothin' but love for my friends and their ability to be honest with me. YOU ALL ROCK!
Still wonderfully blessed with who is IN my life, that they get me, that they want to see me succeed too. YEA! Its wonderful to know that I have that soft place to fall, to be me, to be held when I need to... but that they all still also share in my successes. COME ON PEOPLE, we got this. Shooting for the stars here. And I am taking all of you with me! Its growth, its moving forward, its on to wonderful dreams and possibilities. Being positive that we can all accomplish our dreams. I promise each one of you if you share those aspirations with me, and I will encourage you along too.
Gonna be positive about it, even the not so pleasant parts, and gonna say that its an opportunity for growth. In actuality, 85% of it was good! The rest is just change. I am getting set in my ways. Change not coming as easily to me either. LOL. Like that writing process and me fighting the edits, but I did it. I could wring Matt's neck too, because he says, "yea we are going back to most of the original... I didn't see the 'big picture' til now." Thanks. LOVE YOU TOO! *breathing* what else can I do? I have to just trust in the process.
trust in the process... hummmm
Change. I did cut that 'unproductive vine', Sir! Moving on, I don't have place in my life for that. Yes, Sir, you were correct. Congrats calling it for what it is. I do listen to my friends, I am also incredibly hopeful. DW, and LJ, I at some point will figure it out, that's gentlemen for your patience. Kimmie, Ryan, and Papi you were right too, with you f**k 'em statements! Yikes. Thanks Cookie for trying to keep the boat afloat for so long, it was a sinking ship. Jenn and Allie, yup... See I just need to be V8 face palmed every so often. Point is, I got nothin' but love for my friends and their ability to be honest with me. YOU ALL ROCK!
Still wonderfully blessed with who is IN my life, that they get me, that they want to see me succeed too. YEA! Its wonderful to know that I have that soft place to fall, to be me, to be held when I need to... but that they all still also share in my successes. COME ON PEOPLE, we got this. Shooting for the stars here. And I am taking all of you with me! Its growth, its moving forward, its on to wonderful dreams and possibilities. Being positive that we can all accomplish our dreams. I promise each one of you if you share those aspirations with me, and I will encourage you along too.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Several (Small) Victories.
Had a lot of irons in the fire today. It was supposed to be Mom's day (May 10th is Mexican Mother's Day, always the same day, Dia de Los Madres). As a kiddo we always made sure to observe it, and do something, kinda tradition. So today we hung out. LOL. She has me cracking up all the time. Feisty woman. Guess this apple didn't fall far from that tree! Couple weeks ago Gil, my cousin's cousin, was complaining about spicy mexican food, he lives somewhere its non-existent. Oh remember that one very well. Dang. So I told him I would hook him up in a couple weeks. Making spicy salsa, sweet. Great idea to hang with Mom, in the kitchen.
I love cooking. Maybe I shoulda started there. I am a curvy girl and didn't get that way by not eating! Happy chef, always. Last night's dinner sweet and sour pork. Do I use an recipe? Not normally. I rocked it out, it was a spontaneous decision. And the sauce was homemade, or well 75% lol. This morning brought the salsa making out. FUN! Mom and her food processor. I was just chopping stuff by hand, so it had a good mix, of stuff. I can't tell you how many things went into it, I can tell you there is the "mild" and the "spicy" version. Don't let that fool you. Mom was coughing on the mild one; the spicy one burnt my taste buds.
So two small victories.
Following through with my decisions I made yesterday. Check and check... Oh and the positive affirmations were posted this morning. Great feedback.
Two more victories.
Eight pages written. I have editing to do tomorrow. Quite a bit of it, but it will be with worth it in the end. Four poems, sweet, just came out, didn't have to fight it... in reality was rushing to find paper, almost didn't catch all of the words. Oh and the email sent out to the non profit about volunteering my massage hours. I hope that it works, one of the founders has mentioned the idea before, so its not totally out of left field. Time will tell. I got some back up plans though.
Three more victories.
I have a few errands to run and an appointment to make. Just wanted the update, I am on the right track. Keep moving forward.
I love cooking. Maybe I shoulda started there. I am a curvy girl and didn't get that way by not eating! Happy chef, always. Last night's dinner sweet and sour pork. Do I use an recipe? Not normally. I rocked it out, it was a spontaneous decision. And the sauce was homemade, or well 75% lol. This morning brought the salsa making out. FUN! Mom and her food processor. I was just chopping stuff by hand, so it had a good mix, of stuff. I can't tell you how many things went into it, I can tell you there is the "mild" and the "spicy" version. Don't let that fool you. Mom was coughing on the mild one; the spicy one burnt my taste buds.
So two small victories.
Following through with my decisions I made yesterday. Check and check... Oh and the positive affirmations were posted this morning. Great feedback.
Two more victories.
Eight pages written. I have editing to do tomorrow. Quite a bit of it, but it will be with worth it in the end. Four poems, sweet, just came out, didn't have to fight it... in reality was rushing to find paper, almost didn't catch all of the words. Oh and the email sent out to the non profit about volunteering my massage hours. I hope that it works, one of the founders has mentioned the idea before, so its not totally out of left field. Time will tell. I got some back up plans though.
Three more victories.
I have a few errands to run and an appointment to make. Just wanted the update, I am on the right track. Keep moving forward.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Challenged.
I was thinking driving this morning back home from my Starbucks outing which was a continuation of my Applebee's outing last night. *grin*. I felt good in my own skin. For the first time in a while, things were going well. I had a really great conversation and got my thoughts communicated across well. I also heard what was being said. Its nice being on the same track. Trying to figure out the difference between a few days or weeks ago and now.
So not but half an hr at most after I posted a status about a change in mentality in my life... it was challenged. And confronted from an angle that I just wasn't expecting. Yea I got defensive. The change is for the better. I have been lost for so long. And I finally surrender, knowing I cannot do this on my own.
There has been an internal struggle for sometime, but I discussed that two blogs ago. Someone whom, I thought was behind me, turned out to be just there for his own things. The moment I change (I am not allowed to grow, I guess, as a person) I get conditions, exceptions, and confronted with prejudices... that I am supposed to have? How does that work. Just because I have made a change, means I must be in this box over here. And I have to abide by all "those" rules in the box???? This doesn't make sense to me. I wasn't the one putting these restrictions on my feelings, on our relationship.
The person I thought I'd get the most slack from about turning toward God, was my friend who is a Satanist. Hummm, find it rather odd, that he actually was supportive. This is not an issue to me on beliefs. It's a personal decision to me; its because its a personal relationship.
I broke down. Seems that he knows exactly the weaknesses, exactly what buttons to push. But seriously? If this is my only challenge to this... fine. I know where he and I stand, there is a reason we are not together. And ya know, maybe that's the reason we aren't really together. Higher power? Either way. Tearing me down, apart, making me cry, and feel like crap for a positive decision I have made, isn't the way to make me love anything, anyone. It's not healthy. It may also be another excuse. Well, I am not dealing with excuses.
The difference between what was and what could be is what was is the past. What could be is right in front of me and starting to take place. Hummm.. See how that fits.
Challenged yes. Did it shake my faith NOPE. If anything it actually validated the decisions. My friends affirm my stance. And although, I have one who I thought was important, disagreeing... The "t" chart is a bit imbalanced with those in favor.
Sucks because I love this person for who he is, always have. Somehow... I guess I am still giving more than I get. The well is running dry in that area. And my cup overflowth in others.
I have an incredible support system. And am now realizing that these people have been there the whole time. Incredibly blessed and humbled to be in HIS light.
Still gonna be positive, I will at some point see the silver lining even on the darkest of clouds. Haven't given up hope on anything yet. It's not like me. Eternal optimist. Still going to pray for patience and understanding.
Maybe I spoke in circles, I am pretty tired, this just drained me today. Time to get some rest for the night. Focusing on the good, the new, the great things, opportunity, and people I have in my life. That is where my energy should be anyhow. I know that those people can't help but make me smile.
So not but half an hr at most after I posted a status about a change in mentality in my life... it was challenged. And confronted from an angle that I just wasn't expecting. Yea I got defensive. The change is for the better. I have been lost for so long. And I finally surrender, knowing I cannot do this on my own.
There has been an internal struggle for sometime, but I discussed that two blogs ago. Someone whom, I thought was behind me, turned out to be just there for his own things. The moment I change (I am not allowed to grow, I guess, as a person) I get conditions, exceptions, and confronted with prejudices... that I am supposed to have? How does that work. Just because I have made a change, means I must be in this box over here. And I have to abide by all "those" rules in the box???? This doesn't make sense to me. I wasn't the one putting these restrictions on my feelings, on our relationship.
The person I thought I'd get the most slack from about turning toward God, was my friend who is a Satanist. Hummm, find it rather odd, that he actually was supportive. This is not an issue to me on beliefs. It's a personal decision to me; its because its a personal relationship.
I broke down. Seems that he knows exactly the weaknesses, exactly what buttons to push. But seriously? If this is my only challenge to this... fine. I know where he and I stand, there is a reason we are not together. And ya know, maybe that's the reason we aren't really together. Higher power? Either way. Tearing me down, apart, making me cry, and feel like crap for a positive decision I have made, isn't the way to make me love anything, anyone. It's not healthy. It may also be another excuse. Well, I am not dealing with excuses.
The difference between what was and what could be is what was is the past. What could be is right in front of me and starting to take place. Hummm.. See how that fits.
Challenged yes. Did it shake my faith NOPE. If anything it actually validated the decisions. My friends affirm my stance. And although, I have one who I thought was important, disagreeing... The "t" chart is a bit imbalanced with those in favor.
Sucks because I love this person for who he is, always have. Somehow... I guess I am still giving more than I get. The well is running dry in that area. And my cup overflowth in others.
I have an incredible support system. And am now realizing that these people have been there the whole time. Incredibly blessed and humbled to be in HIS light.
Still gonna be positive, I will at some point see the silver lining even on the darkest of clouds. Haven't given up hope on anything yet. It's not like me. Eternal optimist. Still going to pray for patience and understanding.
Maybe I spoke in circles, I am pretty tired, this just drained me today. Time to get some rest for the night. Focusing on the good, the new, the great things, opportunity, and people I have in my life. That is where my energy should be anyhow. I know that those people can't help but make me smile.
We're Positive!
Yea, call it the "Kirby Girl" in me, or something like that. Sam, yes, Boss man, you so programed me... it took two days, and lots of correction but I finally was able to answer the phone and make those calls, confidence and positive. Incredible growth during that time. I had to be positive in everything. We were to answer the phone with enthusiasm and say "We're Positive". The sales calls or calls to enter contests from the customers home ALWAYS had to be excited, ready to go, over the top... with positive. If it was something negative (a no, to the price or a no to the purchase, we couldn't say that, we HAD to make it positive, had to!) Oh the lectures! Haha!! Fake it until you make it, and then they will never know you faked it! Lots of great memories, and one of the best bosses I have worked for, motivating force.
So, looking over things for my test, my recertification. I noticed something. Well, yea, I realized how awesome my pro-d book is, even better the notes I took in that class. WHOOOHOO! Somehow it all blended together, sorry Mr. Sanders, I know, it was 5:30pm-10:30pm after a full time job. My bad. But Sir, I did take notes, and thorough. Bet you didn't think you'd continue to hear thank yous seven years later.
Speaking of Jon Sanders, I gave him a book back then... The Dream Giver, Bruce Wilkinson. Honestly, I have read only the first half of the book. (confession, I know). Its a parable, though, it reads pretty fast. Its about a "Some body" from "Ordinary" who is surrounded by "Nobody". He wants to stand out, wants to be a great "Somebody". He has to overcome fears and challenges along the way... His journey is great.
I digress... this was supposed to be about me getting my certification back. Going through everything sparked lots of stuff. But one of the BIG things, and I was told it was a great idea by a few people today... is looking at positive affirmations. So everyday, gonna work on posting at least one of those a day. I am on FB all the time, and starting up my twitter account again. Haha, long story. But why not BE that light, to more than just one person, why not just continue to share it amongst my friends.
I mean I am always positive in the morning, and try minus my rants, to keep it positive. This is really an extension of that, thinking of it as my note on the mirror for the day. LOL. BTW, I have one on each of my mirrors in my room. Just gonna list it as the affirmation for the day, see if it goes anywhere. I hope it takes off. Hope it makes people think. Hope that it can give people just a bit of hope... something. There is so much negative out there, so many things we encounter everyday. Outside forces that tear at us emotionally, mentally, physically. I hope to just be that light. Even if its for a few moments...I think this is another facet of Matt's question the other night, WHY? My response is still, WHY THE HECK NOT?!
So, looking over things for my test, my recertification. I noticed something. Well, yea, I realized how awesome my pro-d book is, even better the notes I took in that class. WHOOOHOO! Somehow it all blended together, sorry Mr. Sanders, I know, it was 5:30pm-10:30pm after a full time job. My bad. But Sir, I did take notes, and thorough. Bet you didn't think you'd continue to hear thank yous seven years later.
Speaking of Jon Sanders, I gave him a book back then... The Dream Giver, Bruce Wilkinson. Honestly, I have read only the first half of the book. (confession, I know). Its a parable, though, it reads pretty fast. Its about a "Some body" from "Ordinary" who is surrounded by "Nobody". He wants to stand out, wants to be a great "Somebody". He has to overcome fears and challenges along the way... His journey is great.
I digress... this was supposed to be about me getting my certification back. Going through everything sparked lots of stuff. But one of the BIG things, and I was told it was a great idea by a few people today... is looking at positive affirmations. So everyday, gonna work on posting at least one of those a day. I am on FB all the time, and starting up my twitter account again. Haha, long story. But why not BE that light, to more than just one person, why not just continue to share it amongst my friends.
I mean I am always positive in the morning, and try minus my rants, to keep it positive. This is really an extension of that, thinking of it as my note on the mirror for the day. LOL. BTW, I have one on each of my mirrors in my room. Just gonna list it as the affirmation for the day, see if it goes anywhere. I hope it takes off. Hope it makes people think. Hope that it can give people just a bit of hope... something. There is so much negative out there, so many things we encounter everyday. Outside forces that tear at us emotionally, mentally, physically. I hope to just be that light. Even if its for a few moments...I think this is another facet of Matt's question the other night, WHY? My response is still, WHY THE HECK NOT?!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Let's hear it for CHANGE!
Well, folks, I am gonna call myself out! So. Somewhere in the pitty party I was throwing for myself this morning, I realized it was all bullsh*t. I heard a quote the other day from Maya Angelou.
"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain."
So yea, time for change. Stop the dang pitty party, pick your butt up and do something! Dang I just gave this pep talk. Okay so I wasn't at the top of the cliff looking down, nope I was at the top of a ledge. Sorry. Nice view up here. But still more climbing to go, I can take my own advice. Moving on from where I am.
I am gonna go here, its not comfortable, but this is MY blog. Don't like it, don't read it. Or skip this one. Uncomfortable subject for some, religion. Yup. This won't be a short entry either. I know that, and nope it won't be the first time I go here either.
Like all relationships (parent, friend, lover), my relationship with my creator is just that a relationship. It has its ups and downs. Not everyone will admit it. I grew up conservative Catholic. Raised in the church, there every weekend, CCD classes. All is said and done 3-4 hours ever Sunday was spent at church.. Sometimes a few hours on Saturday night as well. After high school, I was Confirmed. I wanted to make the decision as an adult. Got married in the church... October 19, 2001. Saying the date, because that was really the last time, I felt connected to the church. Not saying that was the last time I went, no its just the last time I had that connection.
My grandmother passed away December of 2003. Oh me and the big man, God, had it out. Somehow I didn't see eye to eye with his plans since that occurrence. (I said this wasn't an easy subject.) I haven't been silent with what happened with my marriage and that caustic relationship. But to me it was just one more thing to blame God for... just like the loss of my child. It was all his fault. The scoreboard showed he was never on MY side.
Came back home after my life had that "reset" button hit. Thank goodness I have a loving family who have been pretty understanding. Yea, within a few months of being here I got to see my extended family and heard that they were disappointed in me not staying in the marriage. Hummm. I think I blew my uncle, who is a deacon in the Catholic church, out of the water when I was quite defensive... and asked if I as supposed to stay in an emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive place. If that would have made me "okay" with God. I had the conversation days before with my best friend. She asked why I wasn't going to church. I told her that there is a HUGE flaw in going to a Catholic church right now. I cannot and be completely accepted. I was in a relationship at this point. But the church sees it as infidelity. Nice, right? Now, before you ask, yes, the divorce was final. It was final March 19, '09. This convo happened in June, same year. Now yea, I can get an annulment, sure, a few grand later, and five guys I have no clue who they are, decide whether I am worthy of being granted it. Worse yet? He gets a say! Ohhh give the abuser a chance, nice. Yea, another grudge. My uncle, he had no clue, tapped right into that sore spot. I love him dearly. He had no clue what was going on nor the pile of crap that he was about to step in.
Now this whole time, I have not given up. I want to believe. I know I should believe. But its sooo hard to believe. I know, its called faith for a reason!
Fine so Michael gets sick (the guy I was dating), not just a cold... no cancer, stage three stomach cancer. Oh crap! Priorities shift. I can't do this by myself. I start to pray, he asks me to go to church, I am there. God is good! His surgeons were incredible. He is a miracle. Cancer free!
Things happened at the church. No it wasn't a Catholic church it happened here and happened at Mike's church same time. It was more than I could handle. Stopped attending. Things went in a spiral from there. Again the scoreboard appeared. And yea I was loosing. There was a lot of anger and resentment in my heart.
Fast forward several months. I had someone come into my life with her two children. OH they have healed my soul, so many ways. I have let of anger go. Realizing that love is proportional. Dang. Lesson. The less I hated the easier it was to love. The more I could love. I have had a few other angels in my life show up too. My best and her couple of boys, wow, they are incredible too! Those two ladies, alone are incredible. I am blessed to have them in my life! I have several other bests that are just amazing in their own right. I am humbled by the love they give on a constant basis.
I had another angel come forward in February this year. LOL
Having these people in my life well, there are close to probably a dzn of them, they all make me wanna be a better person. Yes, I am blessed there is no denying it! And I am constantly getting validation that I am on the right path.
I stumbled again. Was having a tough time this week, just working on the writing... break downs, because life happens. I started praying and meditating again. The latter about a month ago. But praying really praying, this week. Pure heart, just open.... for the first time in a long time, WAYYY to long. Just opened up and asked for help. Was looking for peace. I had a session (massage) on Tuesday. And I know I can work great things, when I focus. When I let the process of healing happen. I opened up. Just asked for me to be used the tool to facilitate the healing. I knew that asking so would mean that I was admitting I couldn't do this on my own.... ALL OF IT. I surrendered. Let go.
Well, I took on too much, right out of the gate, energy work, while it helped my client (my best). I neglected me. Opps. I took on too much, I admitted I am an empathetic soul. I am a healer, I can take on too much, stuff that isn't mine. Dang. I did. I didn't ground, didn't separate. It lasted a couple of days, and I am still healing (Sweetheart, I know you are reading, DO NOT, feel guilty. Re-read that, statement). This is part of being a therapist, part of being empathetic to people. Friday I was seeing the bottom of a pit for the second day.
I surrendered again. Saying I just needed a sign. I need to know that I am doing what I should be doing, I want help getting where I need to be. Please. I can't do this all on my own. It doesn't work. Immediately I felt relief. Weight lifted off. It gets better... Friday night I was given a gift. Haha, Saturday afternoon, I put said gift into the player, and listened. Hummm. Wow, message delivered. Message received. Well like 75% of it.
This morning, my plan of action, talking to the person I gave the pep talk to... he helped me sort things out. Funny how that worked out. He gave me that hand up. Listened to my plan and encouraged. I took it a step further. I want witnesses. I want to be accountable for my actions, posted it on Facebook, I know seems kinda random. But not so much. The people on there are people on there I care about. Keep me in check. Make sure I stay on the right path. Let's do this, raise each other up. Got my affirmations and validations... one after the other. Beautiful! Message received, 100%!
Game plan on, time to get re certified. Get back to what makes me happy, what I am good at, healing. Its a gift. Getting back to my dream. Re certify my National Certification...... I am working on the details of the plan. Prayers are always welcome. I got my smile back, the one that shines from the inside.
I am still pursuing with an open mind and a grateful heart but this time with God with me.
"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain."
So yea, time for change. Stop the dang pitty party, pick your butt up and do something! Dang I just gave this pep talk. Okay so I wasn't at the top of the cliff looking down, nope I was at the top of a ledge. Sorry. Nice view up here. But still more climbing to go, I can take my own advice. Moving on from where I am.
I am gonna go here, its not comfortable, but this is MY blog. Don't like it, don't read it. Or skip this one. Uncomfortable subject for some, religion. Yup. This won't be a short entry either. I know that, and nope it won't be the first time I go here either.
Like all relationships (parent, friend, lover), my relationship with my creator is just that a relationship. It has its ups and downs. Not everyone will admit it. I grew up conservative Catholic. Raised in the church, there every weekend, CCD classes. All is said and done 3-4 hours ever Sunday was spent at church.. Sometimes a few hours on Saturday night as well. After high school, I was Confirmed. I wanted to make the decision as an adult. Got married in the church... October 19, 2001. Saying the date, because that was really the last time, I felt connected to the church. Not saying that was the last time I went, no its just the last time I had that connection.
My grandmother passed away December of 2003. Oh me and the big man, God, had it out. Somehow I didn't see eye to eye with his plans since that occurrence. (I said this wasn't an easy subject.) I haven't been silent with what happened with my marriage and that caustic relationship. But to me it was just one more thing to blame God for... just like the loss of my child. It was all his fault. The scoreboard showed he was never on MY side.
Came back home after my life had that "reset" button hit. Thank goodness I have a loving family who have been pretty understanding. Yea, within a few months of being here I got to see my extended family and heard that they were disappointed in me not staying in the marriage. Hummm. I think I blew my uncle, who is a deacon in the Catholic church, out of the water when I was quite defensive... and asked if I as supposed to stay in an emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive place. If that would have made me "okay" with God. I had the conversation days before with my best friend. She asked why I wasn't going to church. I told her that there is a HUGE flaw in going to a Catholic church right now. I cannot and be completely accepted. I was in a relationship at this point. But the church sees it as infidelity. Nice, right? Now, before you ask, yes, the divorce was final. It was final March 19, '09. This convo happened in June, same year. Now yea, I can get an annulment, sure, a few grand later, and five guys I have no clue who they are, decide whether I am worthy of being granted it. Worse yet? He gets a say! Ohhh give the abuser a chance, nice. Yea, another grudge. My uncle, he had no clue, tapped right into that sore spot. I love him dearly. He had no clue what was going on nor the pile of crap that he was about to step in.
Now this whole time, I have not given up. I want to believe. I know I should believe. But its sooo hard to believe. I know, its called faith for a reason!
Fine so Michael gets sick (the guy I was dating), not just a cold... no cancer, stage three stomach cancer. Oh crap! Priorities shift. I can't do this by myself. I start to pray, he asks me to go to church, I am there. God is good! His surgeons were incredible. He is a miracle. Cancer free!
Things happened at the church. No it wasn't a Catholic church it happened here and happened at Mike's church same time. It was more than I could handle. Stopped attending. Things went in a spiral from there. Again the scoreboard appeared. And yea I was loosing. There was a lot of anger and resentment in my heart.
Fast forward several months. I had someone come into my life with her two children. OH they have healed my soul, so many ways. I have let of anger go. Realizing that love is proportional. Dang. Lesson. The less I hated the easier it was to love. The more I could love. I have had a few other angels in my life show up too. My best and her couple of boys, wow, they are incredible too! Those two ladies, alone are incredible. I am blessed to have them in my life! I have several other bests that are just amazing in their own right. I am humbled by the love they give on a constant basis.
I had another angel come forward in February this year. LOL
Having these people in my life well, there are close to probably a dzn of them, they all make me wanna be a better person. Yes, I am blessed there is no denying it! And I am constantly getting validation that I am on the right path.
I stumbled again. Was having a tough time this week, just working on the writing... break downs, because life happens. I started praying and meditating again. The latter about a month ago. But praying really praying, this week. Pure heart, just open.... for the first time in a long time, WAYYY to long. Just opened up and asked for help. Was looking for peace. I had a session (massage) on Tuesday. And I know I can work great things, when I focus. When I let the process of healing happen. I opened up. Just asked for me to be used the tool to facilitate the healing. I knew that asking so would mean that I was admitting I couldn't do this on my own.... ALL OF IT. I surrendered. Let go.
Well, I took on too much, right out of the gate, energy work, while it helped my client (my best). I neglected me. Opps. I took on too much, I admitted I am an empathetic soul. I am a healer, I can take on too much, stuff that isn't mine. Dang. I did. I didn't ground, didn't separate. It lasted a couple of days, and I am still healing (Sweetheart, I know you are reading, DO NOT, feel guilty. Re-read that, statement). This is part of being a therapist, part of being empathetic to people. Friday I was seeing the bottom of a pit for the second day.
I surrendered again. Saying I just needed a sign. I need to know that I am doing what I should be doing, I want help getting where I need to be. Please. I can't do this all on my own. It doesn't work. Immediately I felt relief. Weight lifted off. It gets better... Friday night I was given a gift. Haha, Saturday afternoon, I put said gift into the player, and listened. Hummm. Wow, message delivered. Message received. Well like 75% of it.
This morning, my plan of action, talking to the person I gave the pep talk to... he helped me sort things out. Funny how that worked out. He gave me that hand up. Listened to my plan and encouraged. I took it a step further. I want witnesses. I want to be accountable for my actions, posted it on Facebook, I know seems kinda random. But not so much. The people on there are people on there I care about. Keep me in check. Make sure I stay on the right path. Let's do this, raise each other up. Got my affirmations and validations... one after the other. Beautiful! Message received, 100%!
Game plan on, time to get re certified. Get back to what makes me happy, what I am good at, healing. Its a gift. Getting back to my dream. Re certify my National Certification...... I am working on the details of the plan. Prayers are always welcome. I got my smile back, the one that shines from the inside.
I am still pursuing with an open mind and a grateful heart but this time with God with me.
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