Going back to explain some things (another purpose of this blog)... maybe confuse more, who knows? I know that I have lived in secret for too long and secret can be depicted by some as shame... for me that is the reason for the secrets being kept for a while... Now it's not something I am ashamed anymore. Part of claiming your life as a survivor is admitting it happened. That is a key point. NO SHAME, that just makes you the victim again. If you can't handle this subject matter, skip, along onto the next, I promise that I won't be offended. The fact that I am a survivor maybe a reason why I am so honest about things, about my feelings, idk, that sounds like a different subject to blog on... I digress
Seventh grade... the tender age of 12, I had to grow up. And pretty fast. I learned some horrific things about human nature.
My whole family was very active at the church.. That is where this begins. So I was in youth group. There really wasn't a group for religious education after 6th grade. Youth group. But since the church was attached to the college there was a wide range for the youth group... the young adult group was the next step up... older college... So there was a group of us kiddos age 12-18 all in the same boat... all going to the same meetings, classes, get togethers everyone was welcome.
I was dating someone, well as much as you can 'date' in 7th grade! We'd go catch a movie together, my parents would pick us up and drop us off, and would sit several rows behind us in the theater. LOL. I love my Mom and Dad! Very protective. Good stuff.
I would hang out at the church studying and spending time with friends at least once a week, until dinner-ish. But I was at the church. Fine. So one afternoon I was headed home (two mile walk) when Jack drove by in his car... and honked. He drove a bit further up and parked in a drive way. As I approached the car he rolled down the window and called to me. I knew him, well sorta, from Church. I knew he was a 18 yr old student who lived in the dorm. But I had talked to him on several occasions all at the church. Cool, sure, I will talk. So I walked up to the car. He asked if I wanted a ride home. Ummm, nah. I am fine. I told him. He had seen me walk home before, I am pretty sure, he knew close to where I lived. He said he was driving right by where I had to go... He had something to drop off in the area.. though he actually said something close by, so I believed. Fine.
I got into the car, and he asked if I wanted to stop and get something to drink. Nope I was good, just wanted home. Ever get that get-the-hell-out-of-where-ever-you-are feeling? Yea, word of advice, go with that intuition especially if it screams at you. So we started driving toward my house... but then things took a turn for the worse. He was talking asked me to change the station since he was driving and I didn't notice that we were headed in another direction. I looked up to see him enter an alley. Okay. Okay maybe he had trash to throw out. Umm sure.
NOPE. Jack where are you going? He says its a "short cut". I said no its not, my house is the other way. Then he says that he must have gotten turned around. We are about half way through the alley when he stops the car. Reaches over to me and grabs my neck, trying to make out with me. Oh no.... i was trying to squirm away. There wasn't anything on the floor board and the way I was in the car I couldn't reach the door handle. No bueno. I started hyper ventilating. He opened the glove box and and covered my mouth with his other hand pinning me down.
I blacked out. The combination of things.... I don't remember a the specifics, though I do have flashbacks, lovely, yea. I woke up what I assume was a several min later, and I was undressed from the bottom down. In a tremendous amount of pain. The jerk figured out I was awake and tried to kiss me. The moment he put his tongue in my mouth, I bit down, and hard enough to make him bleed. He slapped me and I scratched his face and kicked him off. Grabbed what was left of my clothes and took off.
Yea I know the area well enough to know where I was, to know where the the alley bends where I could take off and hide. The fifteen min walk... I made home in 45 min. A huge mess... stumbling, my clothes torn and ripped, tears, dirt, bruises, and blood... everywhere. No one is home.
I make my way to the shower, hot shower... get in and just sit on the floor.. crying. I was in the shower for about almost an hour. Went back to my room and that was it for the night. I didn't talk to anyone, didn't see anyone, didn't call my boyfriend... nada. I remember crying, I remember being sick to my stomach.... And somewhere in all of that, I fell asleep.
Next morning I dealt with things. Realizing that I was no longer a virgin and that it wasn't by choice. Still I said nothing to no one. How could I? I was the one that got into Jack's car. I knew Jack from church... something is wrong with all of that picture. And besides I blacked out, I mean I know what happened but I don't remember everything... Something was wrong with me.
I wasn't myself at school, everyone noticed. Crying at almost everything and anything. I was talking to my friend in between classes and something slipped. I don't remember what I said. I remember hanging out in class trying to keep it together, and the next thing I knew I was being called out of class by the guidance counselor. I remember my friend standing out side class and mouthing the words I am sorry. I CAN STILL SEE her expression on her face, she thought she had betrayed me... She did quite the opposite. Though I was upset at the time.
Guidance counselor, fifteen min with her and she called my parents... and the school resource officer. OMG, my parents. Oh crap no. I would just rather talk to the resource officer! So I gave them as many details as possible. Was referred to a therapist. Since things had happened with the church, they were gonna look into it too.
Okay so the investigation begins. He denies everything! The church says there isn't anything they can do....and the officers want me to take a polygraph test, which the results can't be used in court anyhow, right? My parents didn't know anything about victims rights, I love them, they had no clue I was being trampled upon! Re-victimized by each one of them. I took the polygraph because the church said I was lying if I didn't. Fine. The results were I was telling the truth. Did they ever request him to do the same? Nope money talks! The church said that I had invited the situation. The police dropped the case, being a he said she said... I don't even wanna go there. And my parents? Wow, they doubted me at first. It took them some time to believe what I was really saying.
So incredibly hurt. I went to therapy. Even hypnotherapy as an adult, because I started having panic attacks and flash backs. Every once in a while I still get triggers, it can something as simple as a smell or a touch and I am a total mess, panic-ville. It kinda blows that every man I am with from that point on... has to know a bit about the violence... it seems a lot to just have to put out there.
The way I see this though, is very much the same as I see a few other circumstances in my life. I can sit here and throw a pity party... that doesn't do shit... I mean there is a place for that, initially, but in my life... I won't go there. That gives that jerk too much control. That's what the act of rape is anyhow control. He cannot have my happiness. I choose not to be the victim any longer. Crap happens, I am glad I wasn't injured any more severely. That I am still mentally stable (as near as I can be anyhow, lol). And since it didn't break me, I am stronger because of it.
So experiencing a dark side of human nature at age of innocence. Yea it affected me, but as I said in another blog, the title I believe... I will explain, but this does not define me. No I am bigger than this. Everyone has a story this is just part of mine. I hope it explains what goes on inside my head... maybe where I come from, probably how protective I get. Sure its also attributed to my some of my control issues. Not excuses, never those, just attempting to understand the inner part of me. Oddly enough I still trust people and trust them probably more than I should...
I am still very much a work in progress, still don't have all the answers. But I can be honest; share my experiences. Maybe give someone the courage to speak out. Maybe. I can most certainly listen. I am always here should anyone need a shoulder.
