Well, folks, I am gonna call myself out! So. Somewhere in the pitty party I was throwing for myself this morning, I realized it was all bullsh*t. I heard a quote the other day from Maya Angelou.
"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain."
So yea, time for change. Stop the dang pitty party, pick your butt up and do something! Dang I just gave this pep talk. Okay so I wasn't at the top of the cliff looking down, nope I was at the top of a ledge. Sorry. Nice view up here. But still more climbing to go, I can take my own advice. Moving on from where I am.
I am gonna go here, its not comfortable, but this is MY blog. Don't like it, don't read it. Or skip this one. Uncomfortable subject for some, religion. Yup. This won't be a short entry either. I know that, and nope it won't be the first time I go here either.
Like all relationships (parent, friend, lover), my relationship with my creator is just that a relationship. It has its ups and downs. Not everyone will admit it. I grew up conservative Catholic. Raised in the church, there every weekend, CCD classes. All is said and done 3-4 hours ever Sunday was spent at church.. Sometimes a few hours on Saturday night as well. After high school, I was Confirmed. I wanted to make the decision as an adult. Got married in the church... October 19, 2001. Saying the date, because that was really the last time, I felt connected to the church. Not saying that was the last time I went, no its just the last time I had that connection.
My grandmother passed away December of 2003. Oh me and the big man, God, had it out. Somehow I didn't see eye to eye with his plans since that occurrence. (I said this wasn't an easy subject.) I haven't been silent with what happened with my marriage and that caustic relationship. But to me it was just one more thing to blame God for... just like the loss of my child. It was all his fault. The scoreboard showed he was never on MY side.
Came back home after my life had that "reset" button hit. Thank goodness I have a loving family who have been pretty understanding. Yea, within a few months of being here I got to see my extended family and heard that they were disappointed in me not staying in the marriage. Hummm. I think I blew my uncle, who is a deacon in the Catholic church, out of the water when I was quite defensive... and asked if I as supposed to stay in an emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive place. If that would have made me "okay" with God. I had the conversation days before with my best friend. She asked why I wasn't going to church. I told her that there is a HUGE flaw in going to a Catholic church right now. I cannot and be completely accepted. I was in a relationship at this point. But the church sees it as infidelity. Nice, right? Now, before you ask, yes, the divorce was final. It was final March 19, '09. This convo happened in June, same year. Now yea, I can get an annulment, sure, a few grand later, and five guys I have no clue who they are, decide whether I am worthy of being granted it. Worse yet? He gets a say! Ohhh give the abuser a chance, nice. Yea, another grudge. My uncle, he had no clue, tapped right into that sore spot. I love him dearly. He had no clue what was going on nor the pile of crap that he was about to step in.
Now this whole time, I have not given up. I want to believe. I know I should believe. But its sooo hard to believe. I know, its called faith for a reason!
Fine so Michael gets sick (the guy I was dating), not just a cold... no cancer, stage three stomach cancer. Oh crap! Priorities shift. I can't do this by myself. I start to pray, he asks me to go to church, I am there. God is good! His surgeons were incredible. He is a miracle. Cancer free!
Things happened at the church. No it wasn't a Catholic church it happened here and happened at Mike's church same time. It was more than I could handle. Stopped attending. Things went in a spiral from there. Again the scoreboard appeared. And yea I was loosing. There was a lot of anger and resentment in my heart.
Fast forward several months. I had someone come into my life with her two children. OH they have healed my soul, so many ways. I have let of anger go. Realizing that love is proportional. Dang. Lesson. The less I hated the easier it was to love. The more I could love. I have had a few other angels in my life show up too. My best and her couple of boys, wow, they are incredible too! Those two ladies, alone are incredible. I am blessed to have them in my life! I have several other bests that are just amazing in their own right. I am humbled by the love they give on a constant basis.
I had another angel come forward in February this year. LOL
Having these people in my life well, there are close to probably a dzn of them, they all make me wanna be a better person. Yes, I am blessed there is no denying it! And I am constantly getting validation that I am on the right path.
I stumbled again. Was having a tough time this week, just working on the writing... break downs, because life happens. I started praying and meditating again. The latter about a month ago. But praying really praying, this week. Pure heart, just open.... for the first time in a long time, WAYYY to long. Just opened up and asked for help. Was looking for peace. I had a session (massage) on Tuesday. And I know I can work great things, when I focus. When I let the process of healing happen. I opened up. Just asked for me to be used the tool to facilitate the healing. I knew that asking so would mean that I was admitting I couldn't do this on my own.... ALL OF IT. I surrendered. Let go.
Well, I took on too much, right out of the gate, energy work, while it helped my client (my best). I neglected me. Opps. I took on too much, I admitted I am an empathetic soul. I am a healer, I can take on too much, stuff that isn't mine. Dang. I did. I didn't ground, didn't separate. It lasted a couple of days, and I am still healing (Sweetheart, I know you are reading, DO NOT, feel guilty. Re-read that, statement). This is part of being a therapist, part of being empathetic to people. Friday I was seeing the bottom of a pit for the second day.
I surrendered again. Saying I just needed a sign. I need to know that I am doing what I should be doing, I want help getting where I need to be. Please. I can't do this all on my own. It doesn't work. Immediately I felt relief. Weight lifted off. It gets better... Friday night I was given a gift. Haha, Saturday afternoon, I put said gift into the player, and listened. Hummm. Wow, message delivered. Message received. Well like 75% of it.
This morning, my plan of action, talking to the person I gave the pep talk to... he helped me sort things out. Funny how that worked out. He gave me that hand up. Listened to my plan and encouraged. I took it a step further. I want witnesses. I want to be accountable for my actions, posted it on Facebook, I know seems kinda random. But not so much. The people on there are people on there I care about. Keep me in check. Make sure I stay on the right path. Let's do this, raise each other up. Got my affirmations and validations... one after the other. Beautiful! Message received, 100%!
Game plan on, time to get re certified. Get back to what makes me happy, what I am good at, healing. Its a gift. Getting back to my dream. Re certify my National Certification...... I am working on the details of the plan. Prayers are always welcome. I got my smile back, the one that shines from the inside.
I am still pursuing with an open mind and a grateful heart but this time with God with me.
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