I got alot accomplished before noon yesterday, incredible what starting at about 4ish am does for the day. After noon, oh it all went to hell in a handbag. Yea, love the expression. My best showed up on my door step. Mind you I am more than exhausted but I haven't seen him for a few months, he showed up on my birthday, December. I've known him since I was 16. Can't go forward much on the story without giving you our history. We worked at the same place. *CRUSH* yea. I was 16 him 17, and my sup. Haha, smh, work place romance. Anyhow. I broke it off with Eddie (yea, this is that "almost cheat", but I didn't! We broke up before E and I went out) Yea, just gonna call him E, his intials are EW. I have called him E since well we dated. Fantastic month. OMG. We were inseperable! Let me tell you that it was during the holidays and I had yr round school, so it was a good chunk of time that I wasn't in school, winter break and all.
Yea, because of the odd nature of our job he ended up driving me home at 3am and usually crashing on the couch, Mom knew he couldn't drive home! Love Mom. We were definatly in a unique relationship. But we both knew it. I would crash at his house too. Something that most parents flip out about. His Mom was awesome in that aspect as well. Yea, we were intimate. Bah. I could go into details, but well just thinking about him makes me blush. Somehow someone can know you so very well, yea. That was us. The only think I'll say in that regards, on this blog, is that until not long ago he was the best lover I had. Hehe. Okay so now I am bright red!
We only lasted a month, yea, we had about 8th months worth of experiences. SMH, it's like me and Jay. Damn!!! Another story. I called it off. It was wayyy to serious for me, only 16, but I could see my life with this guy. OH CRAP! Scared. But here's the deal, we talked. I wasn't a bitch. I really went there, I owed it to him. One thing I am good with is being really honest with my feelings. We talked we cried, we became best friends. BEST friends, not normally with benefits, unless we were both single. Eh, there, that's honest for you.
When I turned 18, my guy was there. LOVE YA, E! Showed up on my doorstep, flowers, a ballon. Told me out of the pj's and we were going to McDonalds for breakfast (at the time my fav), hitting an adult shop, and then getting my ears pierced. Bahaha. Did all three, pissed my mom off by getting second and third holes in my ears and second on the other one. And I got my first toy.
When I finally broke it off with Eddie, he became one of the guys I started dating. Yea, well I met my now ex hubby... and E went by the wayside. He was heartbroken when I got married. :( I didn't know how to reach him. It's always something with him-- he reminds me of the dynamic like when harry met sally kinda thing. Yea. Anyhow always my best. He would send me random things. He is a very very successful busniness man. Fluent in 7 languages. And has 4 houses, well three, one is technically his sis's. He wouldn't have been able to meet his boss had I kept him here. Everything happens for a reason right? This blog, geez to wrap up 15 yrs!
Anyhow, he had never met my hubby, stayed away like the plague, from me, but kept intouch, on his terms. Though I spoke to his sis and Mom often... So I know he got the updates from them. I got prego. He decided that after ten yrs he would burry the hatchet. And come see his bff. WOW. Strength. Well, this wasn't a great moment in my life. I needed my best. He showed up, and I collapsed in tears. He may have that effect on prego women, come to think of it, his sis did the same thing, when she was in the same condition. Anyhow his generous heart was open. He apologized a million times over, and there was never a need. He saw what was going on though, an hr into our convo, he asked where my hubby was. OMG. Tears. I was so honest with him. For the first time someone infront of me knew everything. He wasn't home, he had spent the night elsewhere.
E was shocked, but just held me while I cried. Told me to go get dressed and we would go out to celebrate. Sweet man. I did, while I was getting ready, he ran out, filled my fridge, and freezer! I don't know when he bought the money orders but he did that as well. I had mentioned the fact the power was out and somehow in the three days he was there, he moved the bed, upstairs to down (the wall upstairs had to come out to do so), and did about a million other kind things. I really had no clue about the fridge the whole time he was there, because he'd tell me he didnt want me to have to cook. LOL. When he left, and I caught on to his generosity.. I cried for a really long time.
I lost the baby and the marriage broke off within a month of losing the child. That's another million blogs. E and my other friend S were both ready to swoop in and save the day. One had me going to FL the other Maine. WTF? Knock, knock guys I want t go home. Yea, I wasn't in the best of places mentally to handle either. S did it first, what a horrific conversation. E called right after and I saw it going there. Told him I loved him too much to have the same thing happen as it did with S so I was hanging up!
We have had a strained relationship since. He finally showed up on my doorstep again, on my birthday, a few months ago. Last year he sent flowers... this time it was him. We talked. Good place again, with the friendship. Until yesterday.
He shows up. And I let my gaurd down. I miss him so much. With that much history there is also alot of pain. If you don't fight fair, well its not good at all. We were doing good, and he pulled out skeletons, years of heartache. Okay saying it here and now... YES I love him. It's not romantic love... its the practical kind. Not the kind that is passion driven. I cannot be the woman he wants me to be. I am not her. I could never be her. And I don't want him settling, that's not fair to either of us. I know what I am capable of and what he is. And yea. Maybe I did screw it up when we were kids, or when I was 18... sure it could have been my fault. I just don't love him that way. Yea, I have thought about it, since December. Journaled about it, went there in my mind, nope, I got nada. Well he said somethings that burned pretty bad. He knows me, knows that inner part of me. Pretty sure that he will not be returning. Blows. An not in that good blow-y kinda way. Nope.
Baggage? Nah. It is what it is. I am honest about my feelings. Present in what is going on. Because of who I am, it hurts. But it hurts everytime a friend walks out of my life. Or worse I have to cut them out.... I miss them, their uniqueness, and indivduality. Yea. So today has to be better. Yea, I talked to his sis. We are good friends. Its not looking good. But I am only responsible for my own actions and reactions. Kinda feels like that scene in Beetlejuice ( I know where am I going?).... the scene walking down the checkerboard hallway. Like a zillion doors... all oddly shaped. No sure which to open or where I am going or worse which may pop. Eh, bring it on though. Why not? I mean I gotta get kudos for honesty. Right?
On another note... Going through Isa diary is like pulling out more laundry. But they were valid feelings when I wrote them, so I posted another few poems, the will be listed after this entry. Enjoy, feed back is always welcome!!!
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