Challenged.

I was thinking driving this morning back home from my Starbucks outing which was a continuation of my Applebee's outing last night.  *grin*.  I felt good in my own skin. For the first time in a while, things were going well. I had a really great conversation and got my thoughts communicated across well.  I also heard what was being said.  Its nice being on the same track.  Trying to figure out the difference between a few days or weeks ago and now. 

So not but half an hr at most after I posted a status about a change in mentality in my life... it was challenged.  And confronted from an angle that I just wasn't expecting.  Yea I got defensive.  The change is for the better.  I have been lost for so long.  And I finally surrender, knowing I cannot do this on my own. 

There has been an internal struggle for sometime, but I discussed that two blogs ago.  Someone whom, I thought was behind me, turned out to be just there for his own things.  The moment I change (I am not allowed to grow, I guess, as a person) I get conditions, exceptions, and confronted with prejudices... that I am supposed to have?  How does that work.  Just because I have made a change, means I must be in this box over here.  And I have to abide by all "those" rules in the box????  This doesn't make sense to me.  I wasn't the one putting these restrictions on my feelings, on our relationship. 

The person I thought I'd get the most slack from about turning toward God, was my friend who is a Satanist.  Hummm, find it rather odd, that he actually was supportive.  This is not an issue to me on beliefs.  It's a personal decision to me; its because its a personal relationship.

I broke down.  Seems that he knows exactly the weaknesses, exactly what buttons to push.  But seriously?  If this is my only challenge to this... fine.  I know where he and I stand, there is a reason we are not together.  And ya know, maybe that's the reason we aren't really together.  Higher power?  Either way.  Tearing me down, apart, making me cry, and feel like crap for a positive decision I have made, isn't the way to make me love anything, anyone.  It's not healthy.  It may also be another excuse.  Well, I am not dealing with excuses. 

The difference between what was and what could be is what was is the past.  What could be is right in front of me and starting to take place.  Hummm..  See how that fits. 

Challenged yes.  Did it shake my faith NOPE.  If anything it actually validated the decisions.  My friends affirm my stance.  And although, I have one who I thought was important, disagreeing... The "t" chart is a bit imbalanced with those in favor. 

Sucks because I love this person for who he is, always have.  Somehow... I guess I am still giving more than I get.  The well is running dry in that area.  And my cup overflowth in others. 

I have an incredible support system.  And am now realizing that these people have been there the whole time.  Incredibly blessed and humbled to be in HIS light. 

Still gonna be positive, I will at some point see the silver lining even on the darkest of clouds.  Haven't given  up hope on anything yet.  It's not like me.  Eternal optimist.  Still going to pray for patience and understanding.  
Maybe I spoke in circles, I am pretty tired, this just drained me today.  Time to get some rest for the night.  Focusing on the good, the new, the great things, opportunity,  and people I have in my life.  That is where my energy should be anyhow.  I know that those people can't help but make me smile.