In sickeness

I have spoken about my friend who is pretty ill.  Been in the hospital several times.  I was shoved out of his life at his own decision about five weeks ago.  Hurt pretty bad.  Still  have the road rash (figuratively) from being tossed on my butt. While I was tending my wounds, only two weeks in I got a text saying he was in the hospital over night the week before. 

Yea not some heartless b**ch so I text back.  We started talking again.  Idk.   I feel bad for him.  Really wanted and could see a promise of a relationship with this guy but seriously?  Got burned pretty bad.  Part of me, a big part of me closed off.  Taking baby steps but I just don't think I could ever go back to what it once was.  Trust is like a piece of paper.... when it's broken its crumpled... it can be straightened out but it is never what it was before it was ruined, you'll always see the wrinkles. 

I have however tried to maintain a civil friendship with him... despite how surly he is.... got me thinking I thought I coulda done something less sever with another gentleman in my life who was half as argumentative as this one... idk if I could have.  I mean I was way more dedicated and loved him much more... but would that have been enough.  Maybe that is what is pushing me away from this one... because I know I cared about the other so much... maybe its subconsciously shoving me out.  IDK.  Everything happens for a reason right? 

Leads me to my suspicions about this relationship... why?  why now?  When things get bad why do you cling to someone that you shoved away.  Looks kinda suspicious... maybe that's what has me a bit off... whatever the reason.  I am being cautious.  Cautious is good.  Though I don't think he is thrilled.  Somehow backing wayyyy up off has got him on the chase.  Fine... he just can't decide to have me and me be there.  Not on my terms.  He has to be nice... go figure, doesn't sound like a lot, but he is pretty cranky as of late, so its quite a challenge for him.  Ha.  Friends at most.... I don't see it going anywhere else right now. 

Why does it take a near death experience to show you what you are missing?  I don't understand... maybe I never will.  Eh.  Oh well.  I know that he is a friend and no matter how sick he is he can be a friend... its who I am.... I am a friend unconditional, in sickness and in health.