This Is (ALL) Only A Test

You know that really annoying radio/tv test alert?  We've all heard it, that high pitched squeal (when we were kids) now its just a buzz, several times... followed by the announcement that 'this was a test of the emergency broadcast system.  If this had been an actual emergency...blah, blah, blah...'.  Yea we occasionally get them here for weather alerts....

Occurred to me that today well life is like that.  All of this is only a test... But instead of some weather alert system of our 'internal faith system'.  Thought about it... thought about saying that I wanted to have the dang alert when I was about to be "tested".  But here's the thing...  ALL of life is a test!  ALL of it.  Yea, I actually thought about this blog before coming on here and regurgitating all of it.  We should be aware that we are being tested, sometimes on small things some times on large things every day.  Those trials of faith usually happened when it's something big.  But we cannot forget those smaller acts or grievances.  Those should also be accounted for, I mean we should certainly ask for forgiveness if we have wronged no matter the size of the wrong done.  Small acts of kindness definitely create ripples in the scheme of life as well. 

So sitting here, knowing that today's fight, Mari vs the past(because this has happened before) only... well it WASN'T at all like this.  Yea, the dr's appt.  Yea, the "NEWS" but this time I had people.  Instead of someone being there physically with me in the room while things went horribly wrong, I was alone.  But I shared it with the person the info was relevant to... and instead of turning a bind eye and def ear to it... instead of it being a nuisance... He was concerned.  It's still being processed so IDK where it will lead.  But I am aware that it isn't really Me vs the past any longer... No, that I am in a different place now.  One that is full of love and support. 

Speaking to those who are close to me, the few on the inside, I know I am loved and valued as a person.  Yea, totally different place.  And my faith. Wow, 180 degree difference, and it has been given affirmation time and time again.  I know that God is there, guiding me, that He is present in my life, there is no denying it... I am surrounded with love.   I just need to use it to heal, and heal properly.  I know it's gonna take time.  I know this won't happen over night.  And not delusional to think that I am not gonna stumble as I try to repair. 

"There is always a choice... always. And given the choice to chose, I will chose love and kindness. Anything else has no place in my heart or life. This is my genuine self."
-Mari Garcia

Love heals.  God's love heals perfectly.  What can tear people apart well... there is a choice.... chose love, chose kindness...  That way there is less to regret.

One poem to reference.  I was journaling earlier.... and ran across it in it's journal form... RAW.  Even the hand writing seems painful.  Looking at my journal entries today, different, the words and the handwriting, my soul is in a different place, even though the even has occurred again.  The words though in the poem still ring true.  Right to the core.

http://mnmsnickers-allpoetry.blogspot.com/2011/05/black-hole-bloody-mess.html


Remembering this is ALL only a test of our internal faith system, its only a test.



It IS with that grateful heart that I proceed.