God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages.
-Jacques Deval
This quote was posted, by my dear friend during the midst of our discussion yesterday about love... The quote most defiantly embraces what we were saying. Had someone (Matt) ask for an in depth discussion via a blog.
First off, background. I am not sure if I have mentioned it before, but I personally love unconditionally. Unique because in this world so many put restrictions on love. Personally, I just can't seem to find it in my heart to do so. At one time, maybe. But it's been so long ago, I just don't get why or how to anymore.
16yrs, bit more now. Had this guy in my life, always a guy? Blah. NO. He was a best friend,very sick at the time. Honestly, I don't remember how the conversation started, but I remember it. What we leave behind. He asked me and while I was thinking he said he wanted to leave LOVE. Okay, I have no poker face, so there was an immediate puzzled look. He elaborated. Saying he wanted everyone to know that he loved them... OHHHH. I see. Smart, smart! We made an agreement to always tell each other that we loved the other. He had a billion reasons why you should say it, and say it often, but being sincere.. it validates the person you are saying it to, on a deep level. He was living in the moment... and loving in the moment... and sharing that experience with his world.
After he passed, this other person came into my life. We dated, me and this guy, I have mentioned him before, Ev (or E, I interchange them all the time, he was the first to call me M, LONG story!). Ev and I became best friends. We discussed the love theory at some length... and we challenged each other to implement it. Awkward at first... because we had broken up, months before... but we were bests still, so there was obviously love there. That's when I learned to categorize it into romantic vs non-romantic. The Greeks have 5 words for love... why can't I have two?
Explain, because, it is a unique thing. Its just loving for the sake of loving... Nada expected in return... hang on, there is a poem.. that describes, before I post the whole thing as the description...
Love Not Out Of Want...
nlove
not out of want
not out of need
love
out of choice
love for sake of loving
love
unconditionally
unrestricted; no agenda
love
mercifully
extending forgiveness
love
gratefully
thankful at every chance
love
compassionately
nurturing and healing
love
passionately
let yourself free
love
eternally
without need to end
most important... receive.
the well will not run dry
be loved
surrender
let love in
Okay that's outta the way... Hopefully it creates more answers than questions. Been my philosophy for quite sometime now, just to love. And do so without conditions because, no one likes to jump through hoops. No one wants the you-have-to-do-this-inorder-to-get-this kinda stuff over their head... That is manipulation. The unconditional kind of love I share is very nurturing, its in my nature as a healer to do so.
Love just for sake of loving, all out, nothing in return... This seems like a perfect kinda love. No I know not everyone does it... And I have been burned because people don't get it. I know of six individuals in my life who love like this. Six... that I hold close, and tell them I love them often... and they do the same. Is it romantic? NOPE. Now my friends fam know I am a dork about this too, telling them I love them often. I don't think they understand all of it, but they humor me. Somewhere I know it resonates within them, they know that no matter what happens I care about them... that they are loved.
Practicality... I have a lot of love to give... and I do get burned out. If you love everyone, what makes that ONE special? What differentiate friendships from acquaintances... ahhhh. Well the romantic kinda mushy love... for one, (which btw, is still unconditional). The later is about trust. Though there is trust in the first one. Trust, is an entirely different subject for me, another blog. Trust is something I hold near and dear, and it can be earned... and you can get closer to the inner part of me...
In the real world... the application yesterday had me in tears. Ugh. I forget that those words wow. What a difference they can mean when they have sincerity behind them. I was having my own stumbling blocks yesterday... dealing with my own internal demons combined with some external happenings, made for a really off day. When I got that voicemail from Ev all he said was... "this is your reminder. I love you."
Oh the goober! That was the emotional shove that threw me off the cliff... I was balling. It was EXACTLY what I needed to hear, exactly when I needed to hear it. I text his sis asking her to relay the message... because I knew he was on a plane. She said she would. Ten min later, I got another voicemail (he dialed my voicemail directly GRRR.) "Just got a feeling you needed to hear it. Gonna say it again. I love you. I know you're mad and frustrated. But M you talk to much and I can't talk right now." Yes Ev, I know you read this... thank you, I did need to hear it. You know me and even though you are a sh*t for the direct vmail dial, I love you back.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Unconditional Challenge.
Explain, because, it is a unique thing. Its just loving for the sake of loving... Nada expected in return... hang on, there is a poem.. that describes, before I post the whole thing as the description...
Love Not Out Of Want...
Friday, July 22, 2011
Letting Go of the Anger Inside
Ever have a person walk into your life, show you what the heck is going on, very matter-of-factly.... and shake you up, to the root of your core? Make you question everything that is going on? Make you see that you aren't really living only existing, and even then it's not well? And do it in a way that is NOT condescending, not judgemental? It's like they just hold up a mirror, show you your internal self..... no wait, a magnifying mirror (ugh those things) showing you stuff not everyone sees, but it's there, the stuff buried down deep..... but yet, THEY don't look, they don't judge what is in the mirror....
I know, lots of questions to open up a blog with. There is a quote from a book that keeps coming to mind.
"I was dead until you found me, though I breathed. I was sightless, though I could see. And then you came...and I was awakened."
-Zsadist
[the book is Lover Awakened, by J.R. Ward]
Change always happens; it's the only constant in life. Sometimes we are ready for it, other times we resist it. There was already a shift taking place when this person came into my life and set forth that mirror to show me all the anger that was still inside, all the resentment I thought I had let go. I was on the path to healing to happiness but "stuck"... I was at the my plateau and didn't know why.... THEN...
He didn't do it out of malice, he wasn't intending on proving a point by asking the questions he asked. We were just having a matter-of-fact conversation. It was even light-hearted, open, honest, sincere... Great energy... great dynamic. Sarcasm, jokes, witty.... Fantastic conversation. When I was least expecting it along came THE question. I answered straight from my heart, no filter. And then my WOW moment. In just a few sentences --Crap, he cut right through all the bs and found the heart of the problem. I was left dumbfounded.... but we continued to talk. If he ever judged me based off of what I said, those few words... He never said. Dang, I sure as heck took notice though.
Knowing what I know... I knew that the anger and anything else negative had to be let go. I wanted to be happier, but didn't know how to get there. And well, there was the puzzle piece, the key, it was right in front of me. If I was going to move on, to progress, to be able to be sincerely happy, I had to let go of all the anger. Anger has no place in a loving heart.
Shift....change... transform.... no, not my poem this time (there is a poem I wrote entitled 'shift, change, transform', this time), being my authentic self. Getting comfortable in my own skin. Because of him? NOPE. Because of ME. It was an unhealthy place to be and was not going to let me be truly happy. Why should I let the person that angered me so much have control over my happiness? So I have let go.
Forgiveness? Yea. It's part of the process. Not sure that I was really even at this part until recently. All are forgiven, including myself, that was one of the hardest parts... forgiving myself. I am who I am because of what has happened to me, not that it defines me... Because those circumstances do not. But they have made me a better person because I want to be better; because I will rise above it, take my lessons, and continue on living and loving.
With an open and grateful heart I proceed.
I know, lots of questions to open up a blog with. There is a quote from a book that keeps coming to mind.
"I was dead until you found me, though I breathed. I was sightless, though I could see. And then you came...and I was awakened."
-Zsadist
[the book is Lover Awakened, by J.R. Ward]
Change always happens; it's the only constant in life. Sometimes we are ready for it, other times we resist it. There was already a shift taking place when this person came into my life and set forth that mirror to show me all the anger that was still inside, all the resentment I thought I had let go. I was on the path to healing to happiness but "stuck"... I was at the my plateau and didn't know why.... THEN...
He didn't do it out of malice, he wasn't intending on proving a point by asking the questions he asked. We were just having a matter-of-fact conversation. It was even light-hearted, open, honest, sincere... Great energy... great dynamic. Sarcasm, jokes, witty.... Fantastic conversation. When I was least expecting it along came THE question. I answered straight from my heart, no filter. And then my WOW moment. In just a few sentences --Crap, he cut right through all the bs and found the heart of the problem. I was left dumbfounded.... but we continued to talk. If he ever judged me based off of what I said, those few words... He never said. Dang, I sure as heck took notice though.
Knowing what I know... I knew that the anger and anything else negative had to be let go. I wanted to be happier, but didn't know how to get there. And well, there was the puzzle piece, the key, it was right in front of me. If I was going to move on, to progress, to be able to be sincerely happy, I had to let go of all the anger. Anger has no place in a loving heart.
Shift....change... transform.... no, not my poem this time (there is a poem I wrote entitled 'shift, change, transform', this time), being my authentic self. Getting comfortable in my own skin. Because of him? NOPE. Because of ME. It was an unhealthy place to be and was not going to let me be truly happy. Why should I let the person that angered me so much have control over my happiness? So I have let go.
Forgiveness? Yea. It's part of the process. Not sure that I was really even at this part until recently. All are forgiven, including myself, that was one of the hardest parts... forgiving myself. I am who I am because of what has happened to me, not that it defines me... Because those circumstances do not. But they have made me a better person because I want to be better; because I will rise above it, take my lessons, and continue on living and loving.
With an open and grateful heart I proceed.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
SMOKIN' <--my brain at least, for the moment.
I think my brain my be smoking just a bit... I just got done doing what I have been trying to do for a month at least... Putting people out there on my network, bragging about my friends... Introducing them to other friends, like interests... and what not. It was the creation process that was a bit more challenging. But I think I have the hang of it. At least for now. LOL.
Trying my best to group like genres so I am not quite so random. Things are coming together.... sort of. I don't really know which direction is up at the moment. Well, no that's not accurate, I know which way is up, but there are a lot of ups... It's time to push just a bit and then wait to see what happens. I am waiting for that next door to open... down at the end of the hallway full of doors.. no worries, I got my eyes on the windows too. I never count anything.
Proceeding with an open heart is what I do best.
Being incredibly positive. Like attracts like... Supporting dreams and seeing mine in the process, kinda a cool adventure. It becomes a game of connect the dots. I just need a few closer so that I can get to where I need to get to... Dear Universe, I am grateful for where I am and what I have, and WHO is in my life. Cannot for get all of that. I am very very grateful. Now I would appreciate a sign as to the next direction. I had a soft opportunity cross my path yesterday. But at the moment, I deserve something just more than a suggestion.
I will continue to be open, to be honest, to be present... To pray and meditate. And heal... And do what I do best. Make people laugh, be 100% the light that I am... Open my heart and let that light shine!
Trying my best to group like genres so I am not quite so random. Things are coming together.... sort of. I don't really know which direction is up at the moment. Well, no that's not accurate, I know which way is up, but there are a lot of ups... It's time to push just a bit and then wait to see what happens. I am waiting for that next door to open... down at the end of the hallway full of doors.. no worries, I got my eyes on the windows too. I never count anything.Proceeding with an open heart is what I do best.
Being incredibly positive. Like attracts like... Supporting dreams and seeing mine in the process, kinda a cool adventure. It becomes a game of connect the dots. I just need a few closer so that I can get to where I need to get to... Dear Universe, I am grateful for where I am and what I have, and WHO is in my life. Cannot for get all of that. I am very very grateful. Now I would appreciate a sign as to the next direction. I had a soft opportunity cross my path yesterday. But at the moment, I deserve something just more than a suggestion.
I will continue to be open, to be honest, to be present... To pray and meditate. And heal... And do what I do best. Make people laugh, be 100% the light that I am... Open my heart and let that light shine!
Saturday, July 16, 2011
This Is (ALL) Only A Test
You know that really annoying radio/tv test alert? We've all heard it, that high pitched squeal (when we were kids) now its just a buzz, several times... followed by the announcement that 'this was a test of the emergency broadcast system. If this had been an actual emergency...blah, blah, blah...'. Yea we occasionally get them here for weather alerts....
Occurred to me that today well life is like that. All of this is only a test... But instead of some weather alert system of our 'internal faith system'. Thought about it... thought about saying that I wanted to have the dang alert when I was about to be "tested". But here's the thing... ALL of life is a test! ALL of it. Yea, I actually thought about this blog before coming on here and regurgitating all of it. We should be aware that we are being tested, sometimes on small things some times on large things every day. Those trials of faith usually happened when it's something big. But we cannot forget those smaller acts or grievances. Those should also be accounted for, I mean we should certainly ask for forgiveness if we have wronged no matter the size of the wrong done. Small acts of kindness definitely create ripples in the scheme of life as well.
So sitting here, knowing that today's fight, Mari vs the past(because this has happened before) only... well it WASN'T at all like this. Yea, the dr's appt. Yea, the "NEWS" but this time I had people. Instead of someone being there physically with me in the room while things went horribly wrong, I was alone. But I shared it with the person the info was relevant to... and instead of turning a bind eye and def ear to it... instead of it being a nuisance... He was concerned. It's still being processed so IDK where it will lead. But I am aware that it isn't really Me vs the past any longer... No, that I am in a different place now. One that is full of love and support.
Speaking to those who are close to me, the few on the inside, I know I am loved and valued as a person. Yea, totally different place. And my faith. Wow, 180 degree difference, and it has been given affirmation time and time again. I know that God is there, guiding me, that He is present in my life, there is no denying it... I am surrounded with love. I just need to use it to heal, and heal properly. I know it's gonna take time. I know this won't happen over night. And not delusional to think that I am not gonna stumble as I try to repair.
It IS with that grateful heart that I proceed.
Occurred to me that today well life is like that. All of this is only a test... But instead of some weather alert system of our 'internal faith system'. Thought about it... thought about saying that I wanted to have the dang alert when I was about to be "tested". But here's the thing... ALL of life is a test! ALL of it. Yea, I actually thought about this blog before coming on here and regurgitating all of it. We should be aware that we are being tested, sometimes on small things some times on large things every day. Those trials of faith usually happened when it's something big. But we cannot forget those smaller acts or grievances. Those should also be accounted for, I mean we should certainly ask for forgiveness if we have wronged no matter the size of the wrong done. Small acts of kindness definitely create ripples in the scheme of life as well.
So sitting here, knowing that today's fight, Mari vs the past(because this has happened before) only... well it WASN'T at all like this. Yea, the dr's appt. Yea, the "NEWS" but this time I had people. Instead of someone being there physically with me in the room while things went horribly wrong, I was alone. But I shared it with the person the info was relevant to... and instead of turning a bind eye and def ear to it... instead of it being a nuisance... He was concerned. It's still being processed so IDK where it will lead. But I am aware that it isn't really Me vs the past any longer... No, that I am in a different place now. One that is full of love and support.
Speaking to those who are close to me, the few on the inside, I know I am loved and valued as a person. Yea, totally different place. And my faith. Wow, 180 degree difference, and it has been given affirmation time and time again. I know that God is there, guiding me, that He is present in my life, there is no denying it... I am surrounded with love. I just need to use it to heal, and heal properly. I know it's gonna take time. I know this won't happen over night. And not delusional to think that I am not gonna stumble as I try to repair.
It IS with that grateful heart that I proceed.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Holy Followers, BATMAN!
Okay the twitter site is up and running.... didn't have as much time as I'd like to spend on it today, but spent a good chunk of time, networking though.... just didn't get to the posting parts. Research. YUP lots of it. Fun, exhausting, and comical! We went from 70ish followers last night to 138 tonight, not too shabby. Only been up since Tuesday. Making those connections. Bunch of DM's but eh, progressing. Steady work.
Lots of motivation this morning, in the form of positive energy. I started something fun there too. The original intention was just a internal kinda pick me up, hoping that it would shine into a few other lives. YIKES, think we had enough positive energy, that if there was some way of harnessing it, we coulda lit up VEGAS for a few hours. Oh I so do love the people in my life, they continually lift me up.
Going about the right path, still didn't find the all the links I was searching for today... but I have to put that project to bed because seriously, I will never sleep any other way. No kiddos tomorrow, for the first time in a month and a half. Feels odd. Pushing though that. Other opportunities came knocking yesterday. Someone mentioned pay today, and hummmmm. Well it still maybe down the road a bit, working on another one of those side projects that may just come front and center... Supporting more dreams.
Speaking of dreams time for me to go visit a few of mine in the unconscious form. Good night, be well, sleep well.
Lots of motivation this morning, in the form of positive energy. I started something fun there too. The original intention was just a internal kinda pick me up, hoping that it would shine into a few other lives. YIKES, think we had enough positive energy, that if there was some way of harnessing it, we coulda lit up VEGAS for a few hours. Oh I so do love the people in my life, they continually lift me up.
Going about the right path, still didn't find the all the links I was searching for today... but I have to put that project to bed because seriously, I will never sleep any other way. No kiddos tomorrow, for the first time in a month and a half. Feels odd. Pushing though that. Other opportunities came knocking yesterday. Someone mentioned pay today, and hummmmm. Well it still maybe down the road a bit, working on another one of those side projects that may just come front and center... Supporting more dreams.
Speaking of dreams time for me to go visit a few of mine in the unconscious form. Good night, be well, sleep well.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Hey Batter, Batter... Swing! (ugh curve ball)
Seems like I was looking straight down the center and wasn't prepared for that curve ball. It will be alright, let me get my bearings and realize that that too is one of your pitches. Yup, 'hey batter, batter'. NO WORRIES I am down but not out, focused now... got this one. Go ahead your pitch.
We were shooting around with analogies in today's meeting. LOL. We are gonna roll with this one.. the "curve ball" hummm. In some odd twist of fate, I was given exactly what I have been asking for. LMAO. Be careful what you ask for? Nah, I am happy to help. I have some great ideas, just implementing them is a bit bigger process than I figured. Baby steps, but I was reminded yesterday that I have to see the bigger picture too. THANK YOU, my best, for that reminder.
Funnier because this "learning curve", undertaking this project and all that goes with it; well, I have decided to up the anti. Make it even more challenging on the road ahead. Who wants easy, blah! Let's strive for greatness... This project, is just the tip of the ice burg for everyone -- Me, the person I am representing, and then a few others I intend on assisting.
So after that curve ball, yesterday... LOL. I am recovering, shook it off. For the record: don't lean into the pitch. Somehow I am back up to bat again. Glutton for punishment? ... maybe... or maybe its just me doing what I do; I won't back down. I know that I can master this challenge. Seeing the pitch as it's thrown, what color does the ball look like? Ahhh there are tricks! YES. Listening and picking up on ques.
If that isn't enough, I haven't been on her lately because I have been busy with the kiddos. Well... Seems that will come to an end too, sooner than I ever anticipated. The last time I heard that was last school year. OUCH. Yea, it is tough.... my plate is full again, where do I go from here, kinda questions. But last time I was this lost, I prayed, and those gorgeous angels came into my life. Healing me.... and blessing me with a beautiful friendship.
So back up to bat I go. Knowing that this could be straight over the plate at any speed, a change up those lucky curve balls.
More than a bit exhausted from today's events. Time to rest, at least for a bit. As always with a grateful heart I proceed.
We were shooting around with analogies in today's meeting. LOL. We are gonna roll with this one.. the "curve ball" hummm. In some odd twist of fate, I was given exactly what I have been asking for. LMAO. Be careful what you ask for? Nah, I am happy to help. I have some great ideas, just implementing them is a bit bigger process than I figured. Baby steps, but I was reminded yesterday that I have to see the bigger picture too. THANK YOU, my best, for that reminder.
Funnier because this "learning curve", undertaking this project and all that goes with it; well, I have decided to up the anti. Make it even more challenging on the road ahead. Who wants easy, blah! Let's strive for greatness... This project, is just the tip of the ice burg for everyone -- Me, the person I am representing, and then a few others I intend on assisting.
So after that curve ball, yesterday... LOL. I am recovering, shook it off. For the record: don't lean into the pitch. Somehow I am back up to bat again. Glutton for punishment? ... maybe... or maybe its just me doing what I do; I won't back down. I know that I can master this challenge. Seeing the pitch as it's thrown, what color does the ball look like? Ahhh there are tricks! YES. Listening and picking up on ques.
If that isn't enough, I haven't been on her lately because I have been busy with the kiddos. Well... Seems that will come to an end too, sooner than I ever anticipated. The last time I heard that was last school year. OUCH. Yea, it is tough.... my plate is full again, where do I go from here, kinda questions. But last time I was this lost, I prayed, and those gorgeous angels came into my life. Healing me.... and blessing me with a beautiful friendship.
So back up to bat I go. Knowing that this could be straight over the plate at any speed, a change up those lucky curve balls.
More than a bit exhausted from today's events. Time to rest, at least for a bit. As always with a grateful heart I proceed.
The Empath Strikes Back!
Haha. Yup. Funny title. But oh holy crap it means that some days, if my guard isn't up that I have more ups and downs than a pair of hooker's panties. Was "explaining" my feelers as I call it... and well seriously confused Matt and Laura both, meaning out comes Google. Awww education by University of Google. I love it! I could go off on that tangent... Laura found a link, somewhere at the top. After an about.com link. Which I don't normally like, because they are dry, but it explained things too. So here's that link... first. Pffft.
The link --->>> about.com - traits of an empath
and then there was a test... YUP. And a dare to take it. Oh poop... Me and dares. Whatever, I took the darn thing. Yea, how about it was a short quiz... but insightful, kinda -nah more like validating. Yessurh validation!!!! Gonna just post site with MY results below...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Quiz link --->>> empath test
Your Results:
Your Total Score: 75
Your Out of Control Healer Score: 10
Your Protection Tools Score: 23
How Much You Mirror Others Unconsciously Score: 12
Your Appreciation for Nature Score: 10
You scored extremely high on the overall results. You are definitely an empath.
You are highly intuitive and can almost always tell when people are lying. You may want to look into getting energy work and healing done on your second chakra. Usually people that need to be around water all the time have blocks in their second chakras. You love nature and unconsciously understand its healing effects -- which is a general, but strong indicator that you are an empath. You have a deep love and appreciation for nature. You recognize the sacred expression of all beings. You are truly wise. But you have a wonderful ability to sway and change the moods, energies, atmospheres, and environments around you.
You need to learn how to recognize and differentiate other people's energy from yours. Learning psychic/empathic meditation tools will help. You scored fairly poor on the "Mirroring Others Unconsciously" portion of the quiz. It looks like you have a tendency to mirror other people and their energy. Your score indicates that you would benefit from learning to run energy, ground yourself, and protect your aura.
You scored very low on the "Has Protection Tools" section of the quiz. This means that your ability to protect yourself energetically is poor. You are like a psychic sponge. You would benefit from energy healing and empathic protection tools! You are a wonderful and loving person. You are also what is known as an "out of control healer!" You would benefit immensely from energy work and empathic tools for releasing guilt and responsibility.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Okay now that that is all said and done. I am good to continue on with my other posts. Just explaining the unexplainable, I guess, or attempting to explain.
You'll see this term again. It shows up often, I do believe this is at least the second time I have posted a specific blog something about me being a feeler with feelers... The other post was entitled "Empathetic Me". But it's an underlying factor in what makes me me.
With that open, healing heart I proceed!
The link --->>> about.com - traits of an empath
and then there was a test... YUP. And a dare to take it. Oh poop... Me and dares. Whatever, I took the darn thing. Yea, how about it was a short quiz... but insightful, kinda -nah more like validating. Yessurh validation!!!! Gonna just post site with MY results below...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Quiz link --->>> empath test
Your Results:
Your Total Score: 75
Your Out of Control Healer Score: 10
Your Protection Tools Score: 23
How Much You Mirror Others Unconsciously Score: 12
Your Appreciation for Nature Score: 10
You scored extremely high on the overall results. You are definitely an empath.
You are highly intuitive and can almost always tell when people are lying. You may want to look into getting energy work and healing done on your second chakra. Usually people that need to be around water all the time have blocks in their second chakras. You love nature and unconsciously understand its healing effects -- which is a general, but strong indicator that you are an empath. You have a deep love and appreciation for nature. You recognize the sacred expression of all beings. You are truly wise. But you have a wonderful ability to sway and change the moods, energies, atmospheres, and environments around you.
You need to learn how to recognize and differentiate other people's energy from yours. Learning psychic/empathic meditation tools will help. You scored fairly poor on the "Mirroring Others Unconsciously" portion of the quiz. It looks like you have a tendency to mirror other people and their energy. Your score indicates that you would benefit from learning to run energy, ground yourself, and protect your aura.
You scored very low on the "Has Protection Tools" section of the quiz. This means that your ability to protect yourself energetically is poor. You are like a psychic sponge. You would benefit from energy healing and empathic protection tools! You are a wonderful and loving person. You are also what is known as an "out of control healer!" You would benefit immensely from energy work and empathic tools for releasing guilt and responsibility.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Okay now that that is all said and done. I am good to continue on with my other posts. Just explaining the unexplainable, I guess, or attempting to explain.
You'll see this term again. It shows up often, I do believe this is at least the second time I have posted a specific blog something about me being a feeler with feelers... The other post was entitled "Empathetic Me". But it's an underlying factor in what makes me me.
With that open, healing heart I proceed!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Let it go belly up...
LMAO. I know why start the blog there? Well it's a funny blog. Change is ever abundant, lots of things going on in the last week, and sometimes you just have to laugh at it. Because to freak out or try to micromanage just doesn't work.
It was time for something different. For about two months now I have been flirting with the idea of cutting my hair. Not something I do all the time, funny, I will dye it and not thing twice, cut? OMG.... NOOOO! LOL. The last time I had it professionally done was two years ago...well that was before Saturday! I am HAPPY, thrilled, whatever, it was time (long over due) for a change! Got my toes done too... and I was out of the Studio for less than 45 min and I had some guy, random, buy me lunch... that's good stuff! LOL. Matt says a return on the "investment" whatever. It was nice.... just to be thought of.
So many things going on... this blog started yesterday and I am just NOW getting around to finishing it, so working on two blogs at the same time. Lots to say. But I can't finish this scene... I will get to that in the next blog though as to the reason why.
If it's not one thing it's another, but at least I can see that it's external... or every once in a while I back up, finally after HIT THE PANIC button... stupid panic button... and then in the midst of my freak out I realize "ummmm HEY, this isn't entirely you"... Did that twice today. Crap.
Lots being dumped in my lap. Not that I won't help or that I can't help... Because YES SIR I most certainly will roll up my sleeves and get things going. A little dirt, dust, sweat... hell blood doesn't even scare me. Lets do this. Lets get things done.
Not everyone is ready for that change... nope some people like to just complain about where they are... not change a darn thing... DRAMA... OMG.
I am done with a good chunk of it. Tried to help someone out last night. Ummm bit me in the ass. Thank you very much. Not sure that I will ask her what's wrong in a loving manner again. Actually thinking about cutting ties all together. No biting the hand that feeds you. I was there, would be there... but I refuse to throw myself in front of the bus for you, I just don't know you that well, besides, it appears that you are blowing things out of proportion and being stupid. Just sayin....
I can't do it... It's exhausting. TAKE responsibility for your part. Like I said the other day... "you can't be a doormat, unless you decide to lay down and be walked on." It's the truth. People don't see it. LOOK, I have had my share of bad experiences... so has EVERYONE else, it's this thing called LIFE. We all come from someplace unless you lived under a rock... and even then; there is something that kept you there.
So the new phrase that I heard on Saturday evening I am totally taking and running with it..."Don't feed the Drama Fish; let it go belly up." Nice, from my friends Aunt. But regardless where it came from still some great advice.
YUP, YUP. That about covers it for the change and the drama... and the end of drama as I want to know it. LOL....
Leaving with one last thought... instead of not feeding the darn fish... how 'bout we just flush it!
It was time for something different. For about two months now I have been flirting with the idea of cutting my hair. Not something I do all the time, funny, I will dye it and not thing twice, cut? OMG.... NOOOO! LOL. The last time I had it professionally done was two years ago...well that was before Saturday! I am HAPPY, thrilled, whatever, it was time (long over due) for a change! Got my toes done too... and I was out of the Studio for less than 45 min and I had some guy, random, buy me lunch... that's good stuff! LOL. Matt says a return on the "investment" whatever. It was nice.... just to be thought of.
So many things going on... this blog started yesterday and I am just NOW getting around to finishing it, so working on two blogs at the same time. Lots to say. But I can't finish this scene... I will get to that in the next blog though as to the reason why.
If it's not one thing it's another, but at least I can see that it's external... or every once in a while I back up, finally after HIT THE PANIC button... stupid panic button... and then in the midst of my freak out I realize "ummmm HEY, this isn't entirely you"... Did that twice today. Crap.
Lots being dumped in my lap. Not that I won't help or that I can't help... Because YES SIR I most certainly will roll up my sleeves and get things going. A little dirt, dust, sweat... hell blood doesn't even scare me. Lets do this. Lets get things done.
Not everyone is ready for that change... nope some people like to just complain about where they are... not change a darn thing... DRAMA... OMG.
I am done with a good chunk of it. Tried to help someone out last night. Ummm bit me in the ass. Thank you very much. Not sure that I will ask her what's wrong in a loving manner again. Actually thinking about cutting ties all together. No biting the hand that feeds you. I was there, would be there... but I refuse to throw myself in front of the bus for you, I just don't know you that well, besides, it appears that you are blowing things out of proportion and being stupid. Just sayin....
I can't do it... It's exhausting. TAKE responsibility for your part. Like I said the other day... "you can't be a doormat, unless you decide to lay down and be walked on." It's the truth. People don't see it. LOOK, I have had my share of bad experiences... so has EVERYONE else, it's this thing called LIFE. We all come from someplace unless you lived under a rock... and even then; there is something that kept you there.
So the new phrase that I heard on Saturday evening I am totally taking and running with it..."Don't feed the Drama Fish; let it go belly up." Nice, from my friends Aunt. But regardless where it came from still some great advice.
YUP, YUP. That about covers it for the change and the drama... and the end of drama as I want to know it. LOL....
Leaving with one last thought... instead of not feeding the darn fish... how 'bout we just flush it!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Yes, it IS a decision
Things have been pretty freaking good. Been so extremely busy. Running around taking care of 5 kiddos, yup 5.... I lovingly borrow and return at the end of the day. They are keeping me busy. Lots of learning but that goes each way.... I am strict but still very loving.
Score, yesterday at the store I was complimented for their behavior. SO yup they got rewarded!
Writing continues, though it is more done from a book style at the moment. Matt just asked me to keep on going, telling the story. He had some personal matters to attend to so he's not as readily avail as he had been. No worries, I keep on going and we still chat and often, thank goodness for unlimited text messages. I thought that number would go down... nope it's increased. LMAO.
The two massages I had the other day, did well. I was hurting so badly on Monday... But come Tuesday, I was feeling 200% better! Which is how it should be. I know it was much needed. Had some emotional releases, I even laughed on the table... so not like me, but let it go..... did a bit of journaling. Feeling this positive internal energy that I feel when I am grounded. SCORE!!!
Personally things are going well... my friends rock! They are very wonderfully supportive. The amazingly incredible guy in my life is still amazingly incredible! Which reminds me what I was gonna talk about in a blog.... ahhhhhh sweet.
Here's my lesson, and it was learned... because I was able to take a step back, be objective, and realize I was making unfair decisions, requiring hoops to be jumped through that had no place in a relationship, ever... they are selfish. NOOO that's not good.
Lesson goes something like this... if you like a person for the qualities that reside within them... you can't use those same qualities against them. That's not fair. Here's the example.... We are gonna use a guy just because I am writing this and this IS how the light bulb occurred to me, personally. If you like a guy, appreciate (say) his work ethic, then you cannot get mad when he works his tail feathers off (picking up a late shift or a few more hours)! That is not fair, not right.... It was a quality you found admirable... Are you are saying that you appreciate the quality but only if it's convenient for you? WTH?.... NOOOOO not right at all. Be consistent. Don't make someone choose. Don't bend the rules when its works for you.
This lesson is kinda tough sometimes, its easy to think me, me, me... but hello that's not what the inside of a relationship is about... be it friendship or romantic; its a duality one that exists between two people, so consider both parties. I have been on the other end of that stick. It's not fun. You are only allowed to show the qualities when it works for someone else.... but its a character defining quality, so it seems like they are caging you in. NOT good. Why not come up with a different solution. Make that potential negative, positive. Find a way to praise the person because it still is a quality you like deep down.... and its part of them... of course things don't go then as you originally intended, but it can be better! And that's what it's about right? Build each other up instead of tearing them down. Yes, it is a decision.
Speaking of decisions..... The decision to find happiness internally... NO ONE will ever complete you... You have to find that inside yourself. Complete yourself. Make yourself happy, then you will find additional happiness. What happens when you count on someone else making you happy? Firstly, that's a lot of pressure for that other individual, seriously no one is on the happy train 24/7. Don't build your entire foundation for your happiness on someone else, when they crack, which will happen you fall too. YIKES! Secondly, if you are dependent on that other person, if you are lacking then well you will never fully be happy.... its all an illusion at that point. But if you are truly happy, able to find that within yourself... then someone else just adds to that. LIKE attracts LIKE. You'll find someone with the same internal happiness and VIOLA!
Now if I could just pour that knowledge into a few people... think would be better. SMH. There are some people that just can't learn from someone else's mistake, they have to do it for themselves... I can see the fall about to happen but I have to let it go... and that kinda sucks. Mostly sucks. But if that's how they learn, gotta let them fall... just hope I am kinda close to help with that fall.
Journaling, and journaling, and writing words upon words... seeing where it leads me. I am quite talkative, but have made sense out of some rather nonsensical situations. The positive affirmations and other changes I have made in my life are becoming more fruitful. SWEET. What a glorious validation. God is good! And one thing is definite, change occurs... I am gonna keep it on a positive track. Like attracting like. Happy about what the future will bring... more happiness, more things to be grateful for.
I am more than pleased with where I am currently in life... If it was all over tomorrow, no regrets. I love to the fullest and unconditionally and have the most wonderful people in my life and they know how much I care for them. It's with that grateful heart, always, that I proceed.
Score, yesterday at the store I was complimented for their behavior. SO yup they got rewarded!
Writing continues, though it is more done from a book style at the moment. Matt just asked me to keep on going, telling the story. He had some personal matters to attend to so he's not as readily avail as he had been. No worries, I keep on going and we still chat and often, thank goodness for unlimited text messages. I thought that number would go down... nope it's increased. LMAO.
The two massages I had the other day, did well. I was hurting so badly on Monday... But come Tuesday, I was feeling 200% better! Which is how it should be. I know it was much needed. Had some emotional releases, I even laughed on the table... so not like me, but let it go..... did a bit of journaling. Feeling this positive internal energy that I feel when I am grounded. SCORE!!!
Personally things are going well... my friends rock! They are very wonderfully supportive. The amazingly incredible guy in my life is still amazingly incredible! Which reminds me what I was gonna talk about in a blog.... ahhhhhh sweet.
Here's my lesson, and it was learned... because I was able to take a step back, be objective, and realize I was making unfair decisions, requiring hoops to be jumped through that had no place in a relationship, ever... they are selfish. NOOO that's not good.
Lesson goes something like this... if you like a person for the qualities that reside within them... you can't use those same qualities against them. That's not fair. Here's the example.... We are gonna use a guy just because I am writing this and this IS how the light bulb occurred to me, personally. If you like a guy, appreciate (say) his work ethic, then you cannot get mad when he works his tail feathers off (picking up a late shift or a few more hours)! That is not fair, not right.... It was a quality you found admirable... Are you are saying that you appreciate the quality but only if it's convenient for you? WTH?.... NOOOOO not right at all. Be consistent. Don't make someone choose. Don't bend the rules when its works for you.
This lesson is kinda tough sometimes, its easy to think me, me, me... but hello that's not what the inside of a relationship is about... be it friendship or romantic; its a duality one that exists between two people, so consider both parties. I have been on the other end of that stick. It's not fun. You are only allowed to show the qualities when it works for someone else.... but its a character defining quality, so it seems like they are caging you in. NOT good. Why not come up with a different solution. Make that potential negative, positive. Find a way to praise the person because it still is a quality you like deep down.... and its part of them... of course things don't go then as you originally intended, but it can be better! And that's what it's about right? Build each other up instead of tearing them down. Yes, it is a decision.
Speaking of decisions..... The decision to find happiness internally... NO ONE will ever complete you... You have to find that inside yourself. Complete yourself. Make yourself happy, then you will find additional happiness. What happens when you count on someone else making you happy? Firstly, that's a lot of pressure for that other individual, seriously no one is on the happy train 24/7. Don't build your entire foundation for your happiness on someone else, when they crack, which will happen you fall too. YIKES! Secondly, if you are dependent on that other person, if you are lacking then well you will never fully be happy.... its all an illusion at that point. But if you are truly happy, able to find that within yourself... then someone else just adds to that. LIKE attracts LIKE. You'll find someone with the same internal happiness and VIOLA!
Now if I could just pour that knowledge into a few people... think would be better. SMH. There are some people that just can't learn from someone else's mistake, they have to do it for themselves... I can see the fall about to happen but I have to let it go... and that kinda sucks. Mostly sucks. But if that's how they learn, gotta let them fall... just hope I am kinda close to help with that fall.
Journaling, and journaling, and writing words upon words... seeing where it leads me. I am quite talkative, but have made sense out of some rather nonsensical situations. The positive affirmations and other changes I have made in my life are becoming more fruitful. SWEET. What a glorious validation. God is good! And one thing is definite, change occurs... I am gonna keep it on a positive track. Like attracting like. Happy about what the future will bring... more happiness, more things to be grateful for.
I am more than pleased with where I am currently in life... If it was all over tomorrow, no regrets. I love to the fullest and unconditionally and have the most wonderful people in my life and they know how much I care for them. It's with that grateful heart, always, that I proceed.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
...and two massages later!
Woke up at about 2am in a state of panic. Awful dream. I normally sleep pretty well, there have been a couple exceptions to this rule this week. And it's those hiccups that had me kinda concerned. Looking over at my phone, I had a text... and that right there was soothing. Hopped on fb trying not to think about the dream... Wished my friends a happy birthday, three of them.. did my social network thing.... went grabbed my stuffed dog, and my down comforter plugged in my CD player, and was set. Fell right back to sleep, pretty peacefully actually, thankfully. Woke back up a few hours later, and saw another text. Makes me smile, thanks for checking on me.... *blush*
Anyhow.... finally crawled out of bed a few hours later.... and decided it was time for some prayer and meditation... things have gotten a bit lax lately..... Needing some me time. Time to get grounded get things straight. Stressed out yesterday didn't help me feeling the anxiety..... better now. I know I need to be patient. And yowzers I have a tough time with that.
My meditation today was alchemy; transformation from one thing to another. I saw an incredible affirmation... energy follows thought. Transforming anger and fear into unconditional love.... just working with breath..... as simple as inhaling and exhaling bringing in the goodness and exhaling the negative. The change is in the exchange. Finding that peaceful moment... that quiet inside.
I've heard that prayer is you speaking to God, while meditation is HIS opportunity to answer. You have to be still and you have to be quiet in order to hear the miracles take place, your prayers being answered.
Powerfully fantastic stuff.
Was writing poetry when I got text from a friend asking about a massage. Not in the mindset to work, too much physically and emotionally going on..... but....... hummmmmm.........
So I decided to follow up the ME day with a massage. Invited a few, because goodness should be shared! I have a free pass for a several more free sessions at the student clinic. Like I needed an excuse? Well I wasn't really sure. It can be difficult for me to receive sometimes... I have mentioned it before though and am working on it.
So I was texting another and said that I was headed out to get a massage... I got a great affirmation... "the healer getting healing...." *nods* HECK YEA! With that I was more than on board.
My heart was in the right place! LOVE THAT.
I was in need of financial support for my endeavors (gas money).... and I was collecting from a previous massage. Sweet how things just "work out". God is always at work, just can't put your agenda in front of his! There is no other way to say that because.... I couldn't get a hold of her and she wasn't home... when I showed up at her house. I was frustrated, and mostly stranded..... but, well, if it's supposed to happen, somehow it will. She drives right around the corner at that moment! WOW, right? Her phone was in her house so she had no way of knowing I was trying to reach her. HA.... yea. Okay message received Big Man Upstairs... be patient.
So off to the clinic we go. Meeting up. One free session later, and another on the house (my friend) only had to punch the card once. YES! I ask her how she feels after the first massage... things look a bit slow in the clinic. She says alright, I said wanna go again? YUP! Like I had to ask. Ha. So back we go, for our second session.. YEA, whatever, I said two massages!
Since it's the clinic and I really want to give feedback, that's always my goal, to be wonderfully inspiring to the student practitioner. I want to make them smile, trying hard to give at least one point of constructive feedback, but for every one smothering it with goodness too, at least three to one ratio... So one constructive, means 3 fantastic compliments, sincere compliments, but compliments. I don't wanna destroy dreams but I don't wanna not give feedback. Both are important. They are students and well look for that feedback from a former student. It's why we have the punch cards for the free sessions to begin with!
First session.. WOW. Incredible intuition.... she knew just where I was hurting! And I didn't say anything, I told her to just do her thing. I came out worked over and nauseous/headachy... it happens, part of the detox, I wasn't very well hydrated and there was a ton of "projects" she worked on ("projects" has a better connotation, a project can be fixed, it can be worked on, an "issue" will always be an "issue"). I love trying to figure out what the hell the massage therapist is doing while I am on the table. HAHA. Steal moves, or what not it's what we all do as therapists, there is always something to "take away" from the session. She had some incredible things and I complimented her on the under body work, great stuff.
Second session.... EPIC fail, Mari. I was really trying to stay awake. NOPE. Crashed. Now understand, I have no problem when someone falls asleep on me, I think its wonderfully sweet. Quite an honor to have someone relax enough to do so. And if I am getting a professional session, I usually do crash at some point. Still try to stay awake to remember those moves, haha! But this is a student who is wanting feedback. SMH. She started on trigger point work on my back. HOLY COW. My back was on fire. There were a million of those little nasty buggers. Somehow in the middle of it I crashed. Woke up with her draping my legs but still out. She has a healer's touch, and that was what I needed. I did have feedback for her, no worries. Just not quite the quality stuff I am used to giving.
My friend was mush.... Fantastic... Had to practically roll her into her car. Good sessions! The cost to us outta pocket? Gas money to the clinic... that's all... and a few hours of our time. That has got to be a triple-word-score worthy!
Came home starving... Wow, something I haven't been in a while. So yup ate and hydrated. Looking forward to good great week. Lots of stuff to do. Kiddos to hang out with. Stoked.
The bad dream was just that.... they happen... I am comforted to know that I am in the midst of some wonderful individuals that love and support me. Those same individuals encourage me to be me. Incredibly blessed and wonderfully grateful! With an open heart I proceed!
Anyhow.... finally crawled out of bed a few hours later.... and decided it was time for some prayer and meditation... things have gotten a bit lax lately..... Needing some me time. Time to get grounded get things straight. Stressed out yesterday didn't help me feeling the anxiety..... better now. I know I need to be patient. And yowzers I have a tough time with that.
My meditation today was alchemy; transformation from one thing to another. I saw an incredible affirmation... energy follows thought. Transforming anger and fear into unconditional love.... just working with breath..... as simple as inhaling and exhaling bringing in the goodness and exhaling the negative. The change is in the exchange. Finding that peaceful moment... that quiet inside.
I've heard that prayer is you speaking to God, while meditation is HIS opportunity to answer. You have to be still and you have to be quiet in order to hear the miracles take place, your prayers being answered.
Powerfully fantastic stuff.
Was writing poetry when I got text from a friend asking about a massage. Not in the mindset to work, too much physically and emotionally going on..... but....... hummmmmm.........
So I decided to follow up the ME day with a massage. Invited a few, because goodness should be shared! I have a free pass for a several more free sessions at the student clinic. Like I needed an excuse? Well I wasn't really sure. It can be difficult for me to receive sometimes... I have mentioned it before though and am working on it.
So I was texting another and said that I was headed out to get a massage... I got a great affirmation... "the healer getting healing...." *nods* HECK YEA! With that I was more than on board.
My heart was in the right place! LOVE THAT.
I was in need of financial support for my endeavors (gas money).... and I was collecting from a previous massage. Sweet how things just "work out". God is always at work, just can't put your agenda in front of his! There is no other way to say that because.... I couldn't get a hold of her and she wasn't home... when I showed up at her house. I was frustrated, and mostly stranded..... but, well, if it's supposed to happen, somehow it will. She drives right around the corner at that moment! WOW, right? Her phone was in her house so she had no way of knowing I was trying to reach her. HA.... yea. Okay message received Big Man Upstairs... be patient.
So off to the clinic we go. Meeting up. One free session later, and another on the house (my friend) only had to punch the card once. YES! I ask her how she feels after the first massage... things look a bit slow in the clinic. She says alright, I said wanna go again? YUP! Like I had to ask. Ha. So back we go, for our second session.. YEA, whatever, I said two massages!
Since it's the clinic and I really want to give feedback, that's always my goal, to be wonderfully inspiring to the student practitioner. I want to make them smile, trying hard to give at least one point of constructive feedback, but for every one smothering it with goodness too, at least three to one ratio... So one constructive, means 3 fantastic compliments, sincere compliments, but compliments. I don't wanna destroy dreams but I don't wanna not give feedback. Both are important. They are students and well look for that feedback from a former student. It's why we have the punch cards for the free sessions to begin with!
First session.. WOW. Incredible intuition.... she knew just where I was hurting! And I didn't say anything, I told her to just do her thing. I came out worked over and nauseous/headachy... it happens, part of the detox, I wasn't very well hydrated and there was a ton of "projects" she worked on ("projects" has a better connotation, a project can be fixed, it can be worked on, an "issue" will always be an "issue"). I love trying to figure out what the hell the massage therapist is doing while I am on the table. HAHA. Steal moves, or what not it's what we all do as therapists, there is always something to "take away" from the session. She had some incredible things and I complimented her on the under body work, great stuff.
Second session.... EPIC fail, Mari. I was really trying to stay awake. NOPE. Crashed. Now understand, I have no problem when someone falls asleep on me, I think its wonderfully sweet. Quite an honor to have someone relax enough to do so. And if I am getting a professional session, I usually do crash at some point. Still try to stay awake to remember those moves, haha! But this is a student who is wanting feedback. SMH. She started on trigger point work on my back. HOLY COW. My back was on fire. There were a million of those little nasty buggers. Somehow in the middle of it I crashed. Woke up with her draping my legs but still out. She has a healer's touch, and that was what I needed. I did have feedback for her, no worries. Just not quite the quality stuff I am used to giving.
My friend was mush.... Fantastic... Had to practically roll her into her car. Good sessions! The cost to us outta pocket? Gas money to the clinic... that's all... and a few hours of our time. That has got to be a triple-word-score worthy!
Came home starving... Wow, something I haven't been in a while. So yup ate and hydrated. Looking forward to good great week. Lots of stuff to do. Kiddos to hang out with. Stoked.
The bad dream was just that.... they happen... I am comforted to know that I am in the midst of some wonderful individuals that love and support me. Those same individuals encourage me to be me. Incredibly blessed and wonderfully grateful! With an open heart I proceed!
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Another Brick In the Wall?
NOPE. Sorry Pink Floyd. LOVE the song... I am DONE with the stupid freaking wall. Tired of it preventing me from getting where I want to be. That sucka is coming down. NOW. Its being blown apart from the inside out. Knowing how it was created or rather why it was created. Means that I respect parts of it, but not the fact that it is KEEPING me out. No... I don't wanna stay on the outside anymore. I want in!
A sledge hammer and a few tons of persistence as dynamite. That thing doesn't stand a chance. Visualizing it going. Going... GONE. I can then work on the next part. Repairing what its unveiled, what the wall was hiding. I am not scared of a bit of dirt and dust, not even scared to get a little messy working........ *rolling up my sleeves and putting the hard hat on*
Last night was somethin' interesting. Got down on myself. I mean, realistically it happens. Stupid seeds of self doubt. GRRRRR. There is an interior monologue that I know most of us have. Somehow going through abuse its a soundtrack that seems to be a bit louder and its a bit tougher to realize that its the wrong soundtrack. Breaking that bad habit. The affirmations are working. Realized about 45 min into it that it was a pity party and I needed to knock it off... ALL by myself. whooohooo! Score.
Yea, I have had a problem with depression in the past, and seeing how deep that rabbit hole can go, is pretty rough. It normally takes a bit for me to pull myself out. But those words, those affirmations were just swirling around in my thoughts. I knew that it was just self doubt... and I needed to not go there. I have so many wonderful things and people in my life. I was on the verge of saying that I was unworthy... but NOOOO it never left my mouth... I do believe it was that realization that I thought I was unworthy that kick me into gear. Because I AM WORTH it. I am!
I have had this discussion with a few people, near and dear to me.... in the last couple months. Same convo. Something about hearing that they are 'not good enough' is like nails on a chalkboard. But that's where I was last night. Took my own advice. No one should ever make you feel that way... because you are are great. *pats myself on the back* I am good enough, in fact I am the best at being me! LOL. I know self love. haha. But its so the truth.
So those affirmations are continuing to show good things, continuing to produce results. *Breathing*
Packed up the Self Doubt and kicked it to the curb. Fuck that, I am taking back my happiness. NOOOO, it won't get in the way. This is MY life and I am ready, more than ready to be happy. I am grateful to those in my life, the moment that I said I kicked out the doubt, haha, I received a ton of support! Greatest friends ever!!!! I have such joy in my heart to know that I am surrounded by people who love me and support me for who I am no matter what and that they want to see me succeed as much as I want to. THAT right there is incredible... and its amazingly motivating.
I know I am not on this journey alone. Got that message by a few people in my life who are inspired by me, not sure where to go with that. Validated what I am doing and that I am on the right path. Honored and very humbled. Being honest was the intention of doing what I do and writing this blog about it. If I can be an inspiration to someone else whooohoooooo! That is just amazing. Thank you for listening, thank you for being open. I am blessed that I know..... that for I am grateful for as well.
It is with that open and grateful heart that I proceed.
A sledge hammer and a few tons of persistence as dynamite. That thing doesn't stand a chance. Visualizing it going. Going... GONE. I can then work on the next part. Repairing what its unveiled, what the wall was hiding. I am not scared of a bit of dirt and dust, not even scared to get a little messy working........ *rolling up my sleeves and putting the hard hat on*
Last night was somethin' interesting. Got down on myself. I mean, realistically it happens. Stupid seeds of self doubt. GRRRRR. There is an interior monologue that I know most of us have. Somehow going through abuse its a soundtrack that seems to be a bit louder and its a bit tougher to realize that its the wrong soundtrack. Breaking that bad habit. The affirmations are working. Realized about 45 min into it that it was a pity party and I needed to knock it off... ALL by myself. whooohooo! Score.
Yea, I have had a problem with depression in the past, and seeing how deep that rabbit hole can go, is pretty rough. It normally takes a bit for me to pull myself out. But those words, those affirmations were just swirling around in my thoughts. I knew that it was just self doubt... and I needed to not go there. I have so many wonderful things and people in my life. I was on the verge of saying that I was unworthy... but NOOOO it never left my mouth... I do believe it was that realization that I thought I was unworthy that kick me into gear. Because I AM WORTH it. I am!
I have had this discussion with a few people, near and dear to me.... in the last couple months. Same convo. Something about hearing that they are 'not good enough' is like nails on a chalkboard. But that's where I was last night. Took my own advice. No one should ever make you feel that way... because you are are great. *pats myself on the back* I am good enough, in fact I am the best at being me! LOL. I know self love. haha. But its so the truth.
So those affirmations are continuing to show good things, continuing to produce results. *Breathing*
Packed up the Self Doubt and kicked it to the curb. Fuck that, I am taking back my happiness. NOOOO, it won't get in the way. This is MY life and I am ready, more than ready to be happy. I am grateful to those in my life, the moment that I said I kicked out the doubt, haha, I received a ton of support! Greatest friends ever!!!! I have such joy in my heart to know that I am surrounded by people who love me and support me for who I am no matter what and that they want to see me succeed as much as I want to. THAT right there is incredible... and its amazingly motivating.
I know I am not on this journey alone. Got that message by a few people in my life who are inspired by me, not sure where to go with that. Validated what I am doing and that I am on the right path. Honored and very humbled. Being honest was the intention of doing what I do and writing this blog about it. If I can be an inspiration to someone else whooohoooooo! That is just amazing. Thank you for listening, thank you for being open. I am blessed that I know..... that for I am grateful for as well.
It is with that open and grateful heart that I proceed.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Moments of Awesomeness
it's been a few days... kinda chaotic... lots going on and just sitting down to blog hasn't happened. I need to just do. Make time and do. So that is my attempt today.... right now.
Moments of awesomeness that are worth mentioning...
I was having a tough time the other day. Posted a status on FB asking the universe to remove the wall that I was constantly hitting. My friend wonderfully answered my request with a fantastic visualization. LOVE her! She told me to visualize whatever tool of destruction I wanted and just start picturing the wall behind DEconstructed... DEMOLISHED. Got it, I was nice at first, just a sledge hammer and pulled down bricks, a few at a time. The whole in the wall was more than enough encouragement.
Stupid wall is back, this time I am using dynamite. Just sayin, I am tired of being nice... I am tired of running up against the wall. I am making progress, its just slower than I wanted. But God has his own time table. Learning lessons throughout the way... So patience is trying to be my virtue by default.
Still posting my affirmations... Getting back wonderful energy from them as well. Keeping things moving in the right directions, my words and actions are being validated in the most wonderful of ways. My heart and soul are open to the reception of gratitude and love that pour forth.. Ohhhh NEW one..... new affirmation right there. That's what it's about... JUST letting my mind be free, allowing things to move me... the SPIRIT is just taking me and putting me where I need to be. VALIDATION just witnessed as you read.
One other one posted today... ended up with another great discussion. Things both my friend and I needed to hear.... INTERNALIZE LOVE. Wow, powerful things, right? I am a giver. Always giving, always. Many lectures later, lots of wounds I have had to heal.... and I still give. That's who I am. If I can do or something to make some one's life easier, make them smile, or just sigh in relief, I WILL take action. Somehow in the midst of this I have a tough time receiving it back. Admittedly getting better at it. For so long I thought I was unworthy. BAH now, I know better. It is time to know that I deserve it just as much as anyone else.
Needing to open up and accept what is given to me, that love and gratitude.... INTERNALIZE the love. Know it comes from a higher source, know that it will be what prevents me from getting so burned out. Know that I have to receive in order to give. And that I also have to have self love. Without that, the inside stuff... the outward stuff just isn't the same. Constantly seeking out what you need will not fulfill the need, it will just make the need more prevalent. Like attracts like. Be love, be receptive to it, and it will find you. All kinds of affirmations coming out of this blog, coming out... this, this right here shows, that something as small as a change in your thinking can change HUGE things in your life.
The amount of positive energy that has been returned to me, be it gratitude, love, encouragement, creativity, positive/supportive people and relationships in my life..... I have been multiplied... in the last few weeks. INCREDIBLE. There isn't any other word for it. On the right path. That I do know. I keep on keeping on.
Remembering Matt's quote the other day.... me bitching about trying.... "....but I try... and try....and try.... and-" His response, "Well, Tiger, it just means you aren't dead yet. Keep on." I baulked. He asked if I wanted an excuse or just to vent. I said vent... he said good it meant he wouldn't have to kick my ass, yet. Thanks... YUP he knows me.
Blog is all over the place, but here's the moral of the story. I am letting the spirit move... being witness to greatness, allowing it to happen as well, and then being grateful for it. Not standing for the negativity... Time to keep on keeping on. With a grateful heart I proceed.
Moments of awesomeness that are worth mentioning...
I was having a tough time the other day. Posted a status on FB asking the universe to remove the wall that I was constantly hitting. My friend wonderfully answered my request with a fantastic visualization. LOVE her! She told me to visualize whatever tool of destruction I wanted and just start picturing the wall behind DEconstructed... DEMOLISHED. Got it, I was nice at first, just a sledge hammer and pulled down bricks, a few at a time. The whole in the wall was more than enough encouragement.
Stupid wall is back, this time I am using dynamite. Just sayin, I am tired of being nice... I am tired of running up against the wall. I am making progress, its just slower than I wanted. But God has his own time table. Learning lessons throughout the way... So patience is trying to be my virtue by default.
Still posting my affirmations... Getting back wonderful energy from them as well. Keeping things moving in the right directions, my words and actions are being validated in the most wonderful of ways. My heart and soul are open to the reception of gratitude and love that pour forth.. Ohhhh NEW one..... new affirmation right there. That's what it's about... JUST letting my mind be free, allowing things to move me... the SPIRIT is just taking me and putting me where I need to be. VALIDATION just witnessed as you read.
One other one posted today... ended up with another great discussion. Things both my friend and I needed to hear.... INTERNALIZE LOVE. Wow, powerful things, right? I am a giver. Always giving, always. Many lectures later, lots of wounds I have had to heal.... and I still give. That's who I am. If I can do or something to make some one's life easier, make them smile, or just sigh in relief, I WILL take action. Somehow in the midst of this I have a tough time receiving it back. Admittedly getting better at it. For so long I thought I was unworthy. BAH now, I know better. It is time to know that I deserve it just as much as anyone else.
Needing to open up and accept what is given to me, that love and gratitude.... INTERNALIZE the love. Know it comes from a higher source, know that it will be what prevents me from getting so burned out. Know that I have to receive in order to give. And that I also have to have self love. Without that, the inside stuff... the outward stuff just isn't the same. Constantly seeking out what you need will not fulfill the need, it will just make the need more prevalent. Like attracts like. Be love, be receptive to it, and it will find you. All kinds of affirmations coming out of this blog, coming out... this, this right here shows, that something as small as a change in your thinking can change HUGE things in your life.
The amount of positive energy that has been returned to me, be it gratitude, love, encouragement, creativity, positive/supportive people and relationships in my life..... I have been multiplied... in the last few weeks. INCREDIBLE. There isn't any other word for it. On the right path. That I do know. I keep on keeping on.
Remembering Matt's quote the other day.... me bitching about trying.... "....but I try... and try....and try.... and-" His response, "Well, Tiger, it just means you aren't dead yet. Keep on." I baulked. He asked if I wanted an excuse or just to vent. I said vent... he said good it meant he wouldn't have to kick my ass, yet. Thanks... YUP he knows me.
Blog is all over the place, but here's the moral of the story. I am letting the spirit move... being witness to greatness, allowing it to happen as well, and then being grateful for it. Not standing for the negativity... Time to keep on keeping on. With a grateful heart I proceed.
Monday, June 6, 2011
sorting and sifting (feeling good)
Lots of things to come my way lately.... Emotions are at the surface..... been quick to get really mad...... upset.... and then giggly....
Thinking it was outing all that stuff.... but I have had a few days to calm the heck down and get my bearings... things are better, wayyy better... Its all about moving past the bs. Being just me. Wonderfully me.
So I sit here with about thirty things to do. I can't help but think of someone. The same someone who's text I got last night wishing me a good night, same one that woke me up this morning. *blush* It feels good. Feeling good to be in my skin at the moment (michael buble, "feeling good" goes through my mind as I say it. HA, its my blog I will post it, because I can...). Enjoying being in his presence, hoping the communication stays. I miss talking to him lots. Just incredibly smart and quick witted.
Back to this though.... I got side tracked.... off the subject. So 125 poems... That was the challenge. I have gone through and proofed... read and re read. It is now up to L to re-read, I told her to give me the feedback. We print and submit. Pretty freaking exciting, its work from about 8 yrs in total... Scary. But on the brink of something fantastic.
I am also continuing the writes for my story. SWEET. Baby steps, there and we may have another route. *crosses fingers*
I can now laugh about the other night. Someone, whom shall remain nameless in this blog.... Mr, pain in my ass-nameless (not Mr Sweet text)..... Decided to come onto me a bit strong. YUP. His kisser got slapped, and with my left hand. Apparently his lip caught his tooth and that got busted as well. I told him that NOOOO, I wasn't interested in him as such, he knows this, just trying to be very macho. ICK. Not giving away "my gifts" to just anyone. His apology to me yesterday, worked very well. I was having an off day. He brought over boxing gloves let me hit him square in the jaw, just once, and it was supervised. BOO! But it got out the aggression for the remarks that he made after the first incident. We are back on good terms, but that may have also been the ben and jerry's. Whatever the case.... I still have my friendship.
Today more edits. Alot of revisiting. Been working so steadily on the sub characters... that going back to the main character seems a bit off. So taking a break from it. Needing to see it from a guys perspective anyhow, waiting on a response from Matt for part of it. He's busy in meetings.
Had a bit of a hiccup this morning. But really I was in the right mentality, I didn't let it get to me. It was NOT my dumb decision, yup I made the judgement about what the kinda decision it was. I cannot be responsible for it. Nope, only responsible for my own actions and reactions. While there doesn't appear to be a good reason for the choice, I am can let it go... The decision will give me what I am sure is much more sanity in the long run. So letting it go.
Hearing good things for the most part from my friends and their stuff that they have going on.
Seems that I am not the only one coming up against resistance with my goals. But I am helping keep everyone focused. Just taking it and running with it; again I got the ball and am running to the end zone.
Staying motivated... keeping positive.... and moving in the right direction. Sorting through the bs. Getting down to the good stuff. Not sure that this blog said much of anything. It's an update. And a break from the inside of my mind at the moment. Gonna post a few poems and take a break.
With a grateful heart I proceed......
Ohhh... ps. those affirmations. ROCK. Still doing them every day, or close to.... and I have had phenomenal results personally and extraordinary feedback! :)
Friday, June 3, 2011
way my brain is wired or mis-wired
A couple of days ago, I was reading through note, proof reading a letter for a friend. LOL. Anyone who has been around me for any length of time knows I can't spell for shat. Here's the deal, most of it is me getting all wrapped up in emotion or what not, instead of paying attention, unless it's my phone stupid keyboard, I am not entirely responsible for that either! Tiny stupid buttons, don't even get me started when I had my acrylic nails on. HAHA!!! I try hard. But regardless, spelling is just not my strong suit.
I am a kinesthetic learner with photographic tendencies.... What does that mean? Hands on but I am pretty good at looking at something and memorizing a good chunk of it too. We all learn differently. There are some who are auditory (they hear something and viola they've got it). Traditional school isn't set up for every one's learning styles. It seriously used to piss people off in school that I never had to study too hard. Let me share? It just gets locked inside my brain. Effect most of the time, but it means I spit out random crap too. I guess its good for writing, now, pretty awesome for jeopardy... lol . anyhow.
Things aren't what they appear to be though. As a kiddo I was ambidextrous. I have always been. Remember vividly going to horseback ridding lessons as a kid and my instructor asking... are you right handed? I didn't understand... she said Okay kiddo, which hand to you brush your teeth with. I said well depends on which side of my mouth, lol. She said your hair, I told her it didn't matter. She said really? I said yup, I use both hands. Just whichever is easier to do something at the time. It doesn't matter. She saw that as a strength, and taught me how to show with each side. That would piss off judges, in the arena because it was different. Something as small as how you held the reins yea, made a difference. I just used the "inner hand" each time, more control. But I got docked sometimes because of it. DUMB. I also got questioned about it. Somehow not everyone understood, that it could be a good thing.
When I got to school things were pretty good, my kindergarten teacher realized that I could write with either hand. I remember her instructions to my mom to keep it going, keep encouraging me but it was gonna be more difficult initially. Then I hit first grade. I am not gonna throw that teach under the bus by saying her name. Only that she was SUPER strict and very old school... I am not that old, but there was a time when it was still acceptable an even common practice for corporal punishment to exist in school, this is right before there it was banned entirely.
This teacher, well yea, we got our ears pulled, sat in the corner, spanked... whatever she needed to do to humiliate us and shut us up, she did. It's not right... but it's what happened. So, when it came to writing. OMG, yup this was my first grade teacher. And it wasn't acceptable for me to change up hands writing, NO. And I have thought about it she really did discourage left handed people too. Anyhow. I remember her going as far as taping the pencil in my right hand to keep it in that hand. YEA. Lots of heartache. I just didn't understand and I didn't understand the punishments either. I was just a kid trying to understand things. First grade... so amongst things being learned at that time... numbers, number sequences... this is where I have the toughest part.
So what happened? What became of the insistent teaching? I am right handed. LOL. Though normally your dominate side (hand and foot (are/) is larger... My left hand and foot are both bigger... Should I have been left handed? I don't know. I know there are many things I still do with either hand. But there is a down fall. I am dyslexic... mostly in number sequences... dyscalculia (official term) but it happens with words too and this is where and what I was getting at with the proof reading... I saw the word "felt" but read the word aloud as "left"... all the same letters... I can read, even speed read... Pretty good at it actually, LOVE to read. Took a course in fourth grade, a speed reading course... thank you MOM! She knew I was struggling, it gave hints about studying and reading text books... speed reading, is awesome.
Thing is unless I am focusing on reading I have a hard time doing it aloud... so as I was reading, I transposed the letters, because the word was in a sentence in the middle of the paragraph. Yea, kinda embarrassing. It happens. I don't mean it to, the other thing that will often happen, I drop words. My ex used to make fun of me for this, jerk. But It's not really my fault entirely, its the way my brain is wired, or mis wired as the case may be.
ummm, kid do you know you transpose numbers? I said yea, well... he said nope I just wanna say thank you for giving me all your info, you are very thorough, thank goodness, and it stops me from having to play phone tag with you. BTW, you aren't the only one in that office who is. Well that made me feel minutely better, but better.
This is just another one of my quirks. It happens. Those that know me well enough, know it happens often, my apologies.... I don't mean to make life difficult by forgetting words, spelling like crap, or transposing numbers... the little hamsters that run my brain are a bit off. (Yes, I know, no REAL hamsters have been injured in the making of this... lol, I know they aren't really in my brain! I have a tendency to blame hamsters for everything especially if it runs slower than normal.) LOL.
Maybe that's why I learn the way I do. I am sure it has to do with how info is stored in my brain. My ex boss lady, when I worked at Kirby was AMAZED. She looked at me after giving the demo, second day of work, training on how to give Kirby demo's... she said you know where everything in this box goes right, and how the machine hooks together don't you. I nodded, replied pretty much. Yea, I get it. I will need to do it once, and it will be locked in forever. She laughed said photographic memory, I said close. It did come in handy too working at the bar. People like it when you can remember their drink orders. I know random, but it was the combo of remembering and having to punch it in that made me remember.
It is what it is, like I said a quirk. I am grateful I know how to read, I can communicate my thoughts, for the most part, logically... And that math, while its a pain, I can do that too. Maybe it explains why the blog kinda bounces back and forth too. Figured I'd share. Forget that not everyone knows this about me, so when someone else close learns it. I have to take a step back and say.... oh yea, by the way... It doesn't define me but it is a part of me.
Thinking that's why massage came naturally too, no numbers, no writing... but the learning was all hands on. SOUNDS easy enough. Watch the move, stroke, stretch, whatever, and duplicate... YUP. Perfect. Better yet, I get to be ambidextrous. Some things just fit and fit easily.
I am a kinesthetic learner with photographic tendencies.... What does that mean? Hands on but I am pretty good at looking at something and memorizing a good chunk of it too. We all learn differently. There are some who are auditory (they hear something and viola they've got it). Traditional school isn't set up for every one's learning styles. It seriously used to piss people off in school that I never had to study too hard. Let me share? It just gets locked inside my brain. Effect most of the time, but it means I spit out random crap too. I guess its good for writing, now, pretty awesome for jeopardy... lol . anyhow.
Things aren't what they appear to be though. As a kiddo I was ambidextrous. I have always been. Remember vividly going to horseback ridding lessons as a kid and my instructor asking... are you right handed? I didn't understand... she said Okay kiddo, which hand to you brush your teeth with. I said well depends on which side of my mouth, lol. She said your hair, I told her it didn't matter. She said really? I said yup, I use both hands. Just whichever is easier to do something at the time. It doesn't matter. She saw that as a strength, and taught me how to show with each side. That would piss off judges, in the arena because it was different. Something as small as how you held the reins yea, made a difference. I just used the "inner hand" each time, more control. But I got docked sometimes because of it. DUMB. I also got questioned about it. Somehow not everyone understood, that it could be a good thing.
When I got to school things were pretty good, my kindergarten teacher realized that I could write with either hand. I remember her instructions to my mom to keep it going, keep encouraging me but it was gonna be more difficult initially. Then I hit first grade. I am not gonna throw that teach under the bus by saying her name. Only that she was SUPER strict and very old school... I am not that old, but there was a time when it was still acceptable an even common practice for corporal punishment to exist in school, this is right before there it was banned entirely.
This teacher, well yea, we got our ears pulled, sat in the corner, spanked... whatever she needed to do to humiliate us and shut us up, she did. It's not right... but it's what happened. So, when it came to writing. OMG, yup this was my first grade teacher. And it wasn't acceptable for me to change up hands writing, NO. And I have thought about it she really did discourage left handed people too. Anyhow. I remember her going as far as taping the pencil in my right hand to keep it in that hand. YEA. Lots of heartache. I just didn't understand and I didn't understand the punishments either. I was just a kid trying to understand things. First grade... so amongst things being learned at that time... numbers, number sequences... this is where I have the toughest part.
So what happened? What became of the insistent teaching? I am right handed. LOL. Though normally your dominate side (hand and foot (are/) is larger... My left hand and foot are both bigger... Should I have been left handed? I don't know. I know there are many things I still do with either hand. But there is a down fall. I am dyslexic... mostly in number sequences... dyscalculia (official term) but it happens with words too and this is where and what I was getting at with the proof reading... I saw the word "felt" but read the word aloud as "left"... all the same letters... I can read, even speed read... Pretty good at it actually, LOVE to read. Took a course in fourth grade, a speed reading course... thank you MOM! She knew I was struggling, it gave hints about studying and reading text books... speed reading, is awesome.
Thing is unless I am focusing on reading I have a hard time doing it aloud... so as I was reading, I transposed the letters, because the word was in a sentence in the middle of the paragraph. Yea, kinda embarrassing. It happens. I don't mean it to, the other thing that will often happen, I drop words. My ex used to make fun of me for this, jerk. But It's not really my fault entirely, its the way my brain is wired, or mis wired as the case may be.
ummm, kid do you know you transpose numbers? I said yea, well... he said nope I just wanna say thank you for giving me all your info, you are very thorough, thank goodness, and it stops me from having to play phone tag with you. BTW, you aren't the only one in that office who is. Well that made me feel minutely better, but better.
This is just another one of my quirks. It happens. Those that know me well enough, know it happens often, my apologies.... I don't mean to make life difficult by forgetting words, spelling like crap, or transposing numbers... the little hamsters that run my brain are a bit off. (Yes, I know, no REAL hamsters have been injured in the making of this... lol, I know they aren't really in my brain! I have a tendency to blame hamsters for everything especially if it runs slower than normal.) LOL.
Maybe that's why I learn the way I do. I am sure it has to do with how info is stored in my brain. My ex boss lady, when I worked at Kirby was AMAZED. She looked at me after giving the demo, second day of work, training on how to give Kirby demo's... she said you know where everything in this box goes right, and how the machine hooks together don't you. I nodded, replied pretty much. Yea, I get it. I will need to do it once, and it will be locked in forever. She laughed said photographic memory, I said close. It did come in handy too working at the bar. People like it when you can remember their drink orders. I know random, but it was the combo of remembering and having to punch it in that made me remember.
It is what it is, like I said a quirk. I am grateful I know how to read, I can communicate my thoughts, for the most part, logically... And that math, while its a pain, I can do that too. Maybe it explains why the blog kinda bounces back and forth too. Figured I'd share. Forget that not everyone knows this about me, so when someone else close learns it. I have to take a step back and say.... oh yea, by the way... It doesn't define me but it is a part of me.
Thinking that's why massage came naturally too, no numbers, no writing... but the learning was all hands on. SOUNDS easy enough. Watch the move, stroke, stretch, whatever, and duplicate... YUP. Perfect. Better yet, I get to be ambidextrous. Some things just fit and fit easily.
It's All GOOD
Found that silver lining on the last cloud too. Things are looking better personally, professionally I got this. Moving back in the right direction. Even if it's small steps, it's still progressing in the right direction. Heard somethin really motivating the other day, yea, DW I do listen to you! Swear, most of it even sticks. It just settles in a day or two later. Sorry I was a mess. But yea. I got it.... paraphrasing because I don't remember verbatim, though if I thought about, I probably could remember.
Basically I progressed pretty far in my projects... Getting knocked down was a minor set back, on my butt... GET up, dust off, tape up the wounds... Get back in. There is still much forward progress made. Cannot and will not let a minor set back deter me because I have come pretty far. *looks back* Yea.
Shaking it off. Dealing with what happened, what has happened... Held most of my ground. Didn't sell out on any of it. That was important. Knowing who I am; what I bring to the mix. Somethings don't change. I am not going anywhere. So... Time to start moving forward again, even if it's Uncle-Bob-Baby-steps. That's fine, forward progress no matter how small is still forward.
I know where I want to be. An incredible support system beside and behind me keeping me moving, propelling me forward. On the right path.
Still getting good news. The best thing that I can do though, is just what I have been doing. BEING ME, genuinely me--- Hopelessly optimistic, giggly, out-going, loving unconditionally, supporting my friends, and enjoying life.
I am blessed, I know I am. I love the people in my life, ever grateful to them and the opportunities that I have. With that grateful heart I proceed.
Basically I progressed pretty far in my projects... Getting knocked down was a minor set back, on my butt... GET up, dust off, tape up the wounds... Get back in. There is still much forward progress made. Cannot and will not let a minor set back deter me because I have come pretty far. *looks back* Yea.
Shaking it off. Dealing with what happened, what has happened... Held most of my ground. Didn't sell out on any of it. That was important. Knowing who I am; what I bring to the mix. Somethings don't change. I am not going anywhere. So... Time to start moving forward again, even if it's Uncle-Bob-Baby-steps. That's fine, forward progress no matter how small is still forward.
I know where I want to be. An incredible support system beside and behind me keeping me moving, propelling me forward. On the right path.
Still getting good news. The best thing that I can do though, is just what I have been doing. BEING ME, genuinely me--- Hopelessly optimistic, giggly, out-going, loving unconditionally, supporting my friends, and enjoying life.
I am blessed, I know I am. I love the people in my life, ever grateful to them and the opportunities that I have. With that grateful heart I proceed.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Becoming A 'Million-Dollar' Babe
In a bit of chaos this week, seemed like everything that could happen... everything that could go wrong... did. Well maybe a bit of an exaggeration. I mean, the sky wasn't falling or anything like that. Nope, Chicken Little, the sky, it didn't move at all. There just seemed like one thing after another, someone shifted that ONE domino and wow, let's see how many were lined up. Yea, things fell.
"When life knocks you are your knees you are in the best position to pray."
Holy cow if that isn't true! I was busy trying to micromanage my life. When the dominoes fell. What happened? My personal life went ca put, then problems with work, then writing... then a couple friendships... wow! Bad enough that the last few things didn't even seem to get to me. (My theory why they didn't get to me was because, amongst everything else, I prayed for strength and clarity... right before those last things happened. When it did happen, I was given perspective.)
At the end there, I just started rolling with the punches; even joked about being a prize fighter because I was getting so good at managing at the end there. Several friends on my status got into it too, with the whole boxing analogy. LOL. LOVE THEM! I was told that I had someone in my corner, a few actually, we had a tag-team style-stress-relieving [youtube video song off most of which was fighting or boxing themed, but we tagged each other's name and virtually tagged them into the ring] (lmao). I was even told to float like the butterfly and sting like a bee... to which my reply said I was on it, because I was becoming a "million dollar babe"(haha changed it up, no babies here)! I mean there has got to be some sense of humor out there. Its a coping mechanism I get that, but if you can't laugh... then it, just seems wayyyy worse. I got some great friends if they can take not just the analogy but that and a pep talk and run with it!
A mess... so what to do? Well, be humble. Take responsibility for mu part if there was any... and clean up. It's a process. Not done with the process btw. I know. It started with admitting that there are some things just bigger than I can handle, prayed and let go. Prayed really hard and let go.
In the last month-ish my mentality has changed. I began the blog at the perfect time, you can see the transition. Good stuff to witness. Anyhow, been praying almost everyday, checking in, finding time for meditation too, even if it's just before bed, at least a few min. Someone told me that prayer is you talking to go, meditation is the opportunity for him to speak back to you. Now do I hear the voice directly, nope, just get this internal, silence. Sometimes that is the best part, this peace. Good stuff, nope wait, check that, GREAT stuff.
So I made decisions, that were the right decisions by me. I didn't go against who I am or what I believe, even though, I as given the offer, I didn't even think twice about the temptation nor did I shy away from what I should be fighting for. Yea, tough few days. Character building, more like character defining as well. One thing's for certain I have learned more patience this week. There have been so many times when I just get frustrated with the time it takes to do something, even if it is getting somewhere, grrrr, people driving, lol, btw, there is no horn in the vehicle I drive, so I can't honk. Lol. Yup patience.
I don't take for granted the progress that was made yesterday. I am grateful, extremely grateful. There is more yet to do. But I can see that light at the end of the tunnel... Those silver linings... How many more cliches can I throw in this blog, eh?
Those in my life, their positions in my life, those relationships have been affirmed, validated, whatever you wanna call it. Yup those are the keepers. AND I am gonna greedily keep them! Love all of them for all of their uniqueness and individuality.
It is with my grateful heart, I proceed.
"When life knocks you are your knees you are in the best position to pray."
Holy cow if that isn't true! I was busy trying to micromanage my life. When the dominoes fell. What happened? My personal life went ca put, then problems with work, then writing... then a couple friendships... wow! Bad enough that the last few things didn't even seem to get to me. (My theory why they didn't get to me was because, amongst everything else, I prayed for strength and clarity... right before those last things happened. When it did happen, I was given perspective.)
At the end there, I just started rolling with the punches; even joked about being a prize fighter because I was getting so good at managing at the end there. Several friends on my status got into it too, with the whole boxing analogy. LOL. LOVE THEM! I was told that I had someone in my corner, a few actually, we had a tag-team style-stress-relieving [youtube video song off most of which was fighting or boxing themed, but we tagged each other's name and virtually tagged them into the ring] (lmao). I was even told to float like the butterfly and sting like a bee... to which my reply said I was on it, because I was becoming a "million dollar babe"(haha changed it up, no babies here)! I mean there has got to be some sense of humor out there. Its a coping mechanism I get that, but if you can't laugh... then it, just seems wayyyy worse. I got some great friends if they can take not just the analogy but that and a pep talk and run with it!
A mess... so what to do? Well, be humble. Take responsibility for mu part if there was any... and clean up. It's a process. Not done with the process btw. I know. It started with admitting that there are some things just bigger than I can handle, prayed and let go. Prayed really hard and let go.
In the last month-ish my mentality has changed. I began the blog at the perfect time, you can see the transition. Good stuff to witness. Anyhow, been praying almost everyday, checking in, finding time for meditation too, even if it's just before bed, at least a few min. Someone told me that prayer is you talking to go, meditation is the opportunity for him to speak back to you. Now do I hear the voice directly, nope, just get this internal, silence. Sometimes that is the best part, this peace. Good stuff, nope wait, check that, GREAT stuff.
So I made decisions, that were the right decisions by me. I didn't go against who I am or what I believe, even though, I as given the offer, I didn't even think twice about the temptation nor did I shy away from what I should be fighting for. Yea, tough few days. Character building, more like character defining as well. One thing's for certain I have learned more patience this week. There have been so many times when I just get frustrated with the time it takes to do something, even if it is getting somewhere, grrrr, people driving, lol, btw, there is no horn in the vehicle I drive, so I can't honk. Lol. Yup patience.
I don't take for granted the progress that was made yesterday. I am grateful, extremely grateful. There is more yet to do. But I can see that light at the end of the tunnel... Those silver linings... How many more cliches can I throw in this blog, eh?
Those in my life, their positions in my life, those relationships have been affirmed, validated, whatever you wanna call it. Yup those are the keepers. AND I am gonna greedily keep them! Love all of them for all of their uniqueness and individuality.
It is with my grateful heart, I proceed.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Its a Suess kinda day
"I meant what i said and i said what i meant. An elephant's faithful one-hundred percent!"
Yea so I won't sell out, that was the moral of the story yesterday. I won't just throw my friends, practically family under the bus. Just not gonna happen. I am where I am and have that opportunity because of him in the first place. Oh irrate wasn't even the beginning of it last night. I am better now. Still frustrated... but, that's just the tail end of all the madness.
I was doing pretty well about rolling with the punches, and then I saw another message, from someone else on something else that was addressed yesterday? Really, can I just get a mulligan for yesterday? Can I just delete the day. OMG. I know I asked for a point of clairifcation yesterday too, on the actions that took place. WOW, way to make it look like I am the scape goat. Cool, cool, you need one, fine. Just know that I won't make that mistake again. You,, My Dear, are most certianly buring your bridge. Fuming, but I will get over it. No, no this isn't about some stupid pretend relationship, that never existed this is about a true friend that I woulda done anything for. I have spoken to many times, in the last four years, yea, four. INSANE. We were good friends, spoke, more often at first, at one time it was every weekend while I was at the laundrymat. LMAO. Made that Sunday morning routine much more bareable. But this is just insane. I did what was requested of me yesterday and today, I get shot in the foot over it. BOO! But fine you need a scape goat. Cool. Bahhhhh. Fine.
I am in the water-off-a ducks-back / kinda-roll-with-the-punches / bullet proof at the moment. Nope I am not offended, severely disappointed. I would NEVER have made him take the responsibly if the roles were reversed. Guess that's a huge difference. Sorry, Babe, your character is showing. I know its your LIFE but its, mine too. I am not even gonna sweat it anymore. Just gonna get the rant out here and be DONE with it.
Ahhhh blogging therapy at it's greatest. Maybe its the lack of sleep or the emotional exhaustion. Whatever the case. I am hardening out that part of me, got some thick skin developing. Eh, had to grow up sometime. See the world isn't really appropriate for rose-colored glasses. Cleaning up the bullshit left behind from both craptastic events and clearing out the negative. .... Making room for the positive again.
Still grateful for those who are in my life... started out with a Suess quote ending on one too.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
-Dr Suess
Yea so I won't sell out, that was the moral of the story yesterday. I won't just throw my friends, practically family under the bus. Just not gonna happen. I am where I am and have that opportunity because of him in the first place. Oh irrate wasn't even the beginning of it last night. I am better now. Still frustrated... but, that's just the tail end of all the madness.
I was doing pretty well about rolling with the punches, and then I saw another message, from someone else on something else that was addressed yesterday? Really, can I just get a mulligan for yesterday? Can I just delete the day. OMG. I know I asked for a point of clairifcation yesterday too, on the actions that took place. WOW, way to make it look like I am the scape goat. Cool, cool, you need one, fine. Just know that I won't make that mistake again. You,, My Dear, are most certianly buring your bridge. Fuming, but I will get over it. No, no this isn't about some stupid pretend relationship, that never existed this is about a true friend that I woulda done anything for. I have spoken to many times, in the last four years, yea, four. INSANE. We were good friends, spoke, more often at first, at one time it was every weekend while I was at the laundrymat. LMAO. Made that Sunday morning routine much more bareable. But this is just insane. I did what was requested of me yesterday and today, I get shot in the foot over it. BOO! But fine you need a scape goat. Cool. Bahhhhh. Fine.
I am in the water-off-a ducks-back / kinda-roll-with-the-punches / bullet proof at the moment. Nope I am not offended, severely disappointed. I would NEVER have made him take the responsibly if the roles were reversed. Guess that's a huge difference. Sorry, Babe, your character is showing. I know its your LIFE but its, mine too. I am not even gonna sweat it anymore. Just gonna get the rant out here and be DONE with it.
Ahhhh blogging therapy at it's greatest. Maybe its the lack of sleep or the emotional exhaustion. Whatever the case. I am hardening out that part of me, got some thick skin developing. Eh, had to grow up sometime. See the world isn't really appropriate for rose-colored glasses. Cleaning up the bullshit left behind from both craptastic events and clearing out the negative. .... Making room for the positive again.
Still grateful for those who are in my life... started out with a Suess quote ending on one too.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
-Dr Suess
stumbling, my clothes torn and ripped, tears, dirt, bruises, and blood
Going back to explain some things (another purpose of this blog)... maybe confuse more, who knows? I know that I have lived in secret for too long and secret can be depicted by some as shame... for me that is the reason for the secrets being kept for a while... Now it's not something I am ashamed anymore. Part of claiming your life as a survivor is admitting it happened. That is a key point. NO SHAME, that just makes you the victim again. If you can't handle this subject matter, skip, along onto the next, I promise that I won't be offended. The fact that I am a survivor maybe a reason why I am so honest about things, about my feelings, idk, that sounds like a different subject to blog on... I digress
Seventh grade... the tender age of 12, I had to grow up. And pretty fast. I learned some horrific things about human nature.
My whole family was very active at the church.. That is where this begins. So I was in youth group. There really wasn't a group for religious education after 6th grade. Youth group. But since the church was attached to the college there was a wide range for the youth group... the young adult group was the next step up... older college... So there was a group of us kiddos age 12-18 all in the same boat... all going to the same meetings, classes, get togethers everyone was welcome.
I was dating someone, well as much as you can 'date' in 7th grade! We'd go catch a movie together, my parents would pick us up and drop us off, and would sit several rows behind us in the theater. LOL. I love my Mom and Dad! Very protective. Good stuff.
I would hang out at the church studying and spending time with friends at least once a week, until dinner-ish. But I was at the church. Fine. So one afternoon I was headed home (two mile walk) when Jack drove by in his car... and honked. He drove a bit further up and parked in a drive way. As I approached the car he rolled down the window and called to me. I knew him, well sorta, from Church. I knew he was a 18 yr old student who lived in the dorm. But I had talked to him on several occasions all at the church. Cool, sure, I will talk. So I walked up to the car. He asked if I wanted a ride home. Ummm, nah. I am fine. I told him. He had seen me walk home before, I am pretty sure, he knew close to where I lived. He said he was driving right by where I had to go... He had something to drop off in the area.. though he actually said something close by, so I believed. Fine.
I got into the car, and he asked if I wanted to stop and get something to drink. Nope I was good, just wanted home. Ever get that get-the-hell-out-of-where-ever-you-are feeling? Yea, word of advice, go with that intuition especially if it screams at you. So we started driving toward my house... but then things took a turn for the worse. He was talking asked me to change the station since he was driving and I didn't notice that we were headed in another direction. I looked up to see him enter an alley. Okay. Okay maybe he had trash to throw out. Umm sure.
NOPE. Jack where are you going? He says its a "short cut". I said no its not, my house is the other way. Then he says that he must have gotten turned around. We are about half way through the alley when he stops the car. Reaches over to me and grabs my neck, trying to make out with me. Oh no.... i was trying to squirm away. There wasn't anything on the floor board and the way I was in the car I couldn't reach the door handle. No bueno. I started hyper ventilating. He opened the glove box and and covered my mouth with his other hand pinning me down.
I blacked out. The combination of things.... I don't remember a the specifics, though I do have flashbacks, lovely, yea. I woke up what I assume was a several min later, and I was undressed from the bottom down. In a tremendous amount of pain. The jerk figured out I was awake and tried to kiss me. The moment he put his tongue in my mouth, I bit down, and hard enough to make him bleed. He slapped me and I scratched his face and kicked him off. Grabbed what was left of my clothes and took off.
Yea I know the area well enough to know where I was, to know where the the alley bends where I could take off and hide. The fifteen min walk... I made home in 45 min. A huge mess... stumbling, my clothes torn and ripped, tears, dirt, bruises, and blood... everywhere. No one is home.
I make my way to the shower, hot shower... get in and just sit on the floor.. crying. I was in the shower for about almost an hour. Went back to my room and that was it for the night. I didn't talk to anyone, didn't see anyone, didn't call my boyfriend... nada. I remember crying, I remember being sick to my stomach.... And somewhere in all of that, I fell asleep.
Next morning I dealt with things. Realizing that I was no longer a virgin and that it wasn't by choice. Still I said nothing to no one. How could I? I was the one that got into Jack's car. I knew Jack from church... something is wrong with all of that picture. And besides I blacked out, I mean I know what happened but I don't remember everything... Something was wrong with me.
I wasn't myself at school, everyone noticed. Crying at almost everything and anything. I was talking to my friend in between classes and something slipped. I don't remember what I said. I remember hanging out in class trying to keep it together, and the next thing I knew I was being called out of class by the guidance counselor. I remember my friend standing out side class and mouthing the words I am sorry. I CAN STILL SEE her expression on her face, she thought she had betrayed me... She did quite the opposite. Though I was upset at the time.
Guidance counselor, fifteen min with her and she called my parents... and the school resource officer. OMG, my parents. Oh crap no. I would just rather talk to the resource officer! So I gave them as many details as possible. Was referred to a therapist. Since things had happened with the church, they were gonna look into it too.
Okay so the investigation begins. He denies everything! The church says there isn't anything they can do....and the officers want me to take a polygraph test, which the results can't be used in court anyhow, right? My parents didn't know anything about victims rights, I love them, they had no clue I was being trampled upon! Re-victimized by each one of them. I took the polygraph because the church said I was lying if I didn't. Fine. The results were I was telling the truth. Did they ever request him to do the same? Nope money talks! The church said that I had invited the situation. The police dropped the case, being a he said she said... I don't even wanna go there. And my parents? Wow, they doubted me at first. It took them some time to believe what I was really saying.
So incredibly hurt. I went to therapy. Even hypnotherapy as an adult, because I started having panic attacks and flash backs. Every once in a while I still get triggers, it can something as simple as a smell or a touch and I am a total mess, panic-ville. It kinda blows that every man I am with from that point on... has to know a bit about the violence... it seems a lot to just have to put out there.
The way I see this though, is very much the same as I see a few other circumstances in my life. I can sit here and throw a pity party... that doesn't do shit... I mean there is a place for that, initially, but in my life... I won't go there. That gives that jerk too much control. That's what the act of rape is anyhow control. He cannot have my happiness. I choose not to be the victim any longer. Crap happens, I am glad I wasn't injured any more severely. That I am still mentally stable (as near as I can be anyhow, lol). And since it didn't break me, I am stronger because of it.
So experiencing a dark side of human nature at age of innocence. Yea it affected me, but as I said in another blog, the title I believe... I will explain, but this does not define me. No I am bigger than this. Everyone has a story this is just part of mine. I hope it explains what goes on inside my head... maybe where I come from, probably how protective I get. Sure its also attributed to my some of my control issues. Not excuses, never those, just attempting to understand the inner part of me. Oddly enough I still trust people and trust them probably more than I should...
I am still very much a work in progress, still don't have all the answers. But I can be honest; share my experiences. Maybe give someone the courage to speak out. Maybe. I can most certainly listen. I am always here should anyone need a shoulder.
Seventh grade... the tender age of 12, I had to grow up. And pretty fast. I learned some horrific things about human nature.
My whole family was very active at the church.. That is where this begins. So I was in youth group. There really wasn't a group for religious education after 6th grade. Youth group. But since the church was attached to the college there was a wide range for the youth group... the young adult group was the next step up... older college... So there was a group of us kiddos age 12-18 all in the same boat... all going to the same meetings, classes, get togethers everyone was welcome.
I was dating someone, well as much as you can 'date' in 7th grade! We'd go catch a movie together, my parents would pick us up and drop us off, and would sit several rows behind us in the theater. LOL. I love my Mom and Dad! Very protective. Good stuff.
I would hang out at the church studying and spending time with friends at least once a week, until dinner-ish. But I was at the church. Fine. So one afternoon I was headed home (two mile walk) when Jack drove by in his car... and honked. He drove a bit further up and parked in a drive way. As I approached the car he rolled down the window and called to me. I knew him, well sorta, from Church. I knew he was a 18 yr old student who lived in the dorm. But I had talked to him on several occasions all at the church. Cool, sure, I will talk. So I walked up to the car. He asked if I wanted a ride home. Ummm, nah. I am fine. I told him. He had seen me walk home before, I am pretty sure, he knew close to where I lived. He said he was driving right by where I had to go... He had something to drop off in the area.. though he actually said something close by, so I believed. Fine.
I got into the car, and he asked if I wanted to stop and get something to drink. Nope I was good, just wanted home. Ever get that get-the-hell-out-of-where-ever-you-are feeling? Yea, word of advice, go with that intuition especially if it screams at you. So we started driving toward my house... but then things took a turn for the worse. He was talking asked me to change the station since he was driving and I didn't notice that we were headed in another direction. I looked up to see him enter an alley. Okay. Okay maybe he had trash to throw out. Umm sure.
NOPE. Jack where are you going? He says its a "short cut". I said no its not, my house is the other way. Then he says that he must have gotten turned around. We are about half way through the alley when he stops the car. Reaches over to me and grabs my neck, trying to make out with me. Oh no.... i was trying to squirm away. There wasn't anything on the floor board and the way I was in the car I couldn't reach the door handle. No bueno. I started hyper ventilating. He opened the glove box and and covered my mouth with his other hand pinning me down.
I blacked out. The combination of things.... I don't remember a the specifics, though I do have flashbacks, lovely, yea. I woke up what I assume was a several min later, and I was undressed from the bottom down. In a tremendous amount of pain. The jerk figured out I was awake and tried to kiss me. The moment he put his tongue in my mouth, I bit down, and hard enough to make him bleed. He slapped me and I scratched his face and kicked him off. Grabbed what was left of my clothes and took off.
Yea I know the area well enough to know where I was, to know where the the alley bends where I could take off and hide. The fifteen min walk... I made home in 45 min. A huge mess... stumbling, my clothes torn and ripped, tears, dirt, bruises, and blood... everywhere. No one is home.
I make my way to the shower, hot shower... get in and just sit on the floor.. crying. I was in the shower for about almost an hour. Went back to my room and that was it for the night. I didn't talk to anyone, didn't see anyone, didn't call my boyfriend... nada. I remember crying, I remember being sick to my stomach.... And somewhere in all of that, I fell asleep.
Next morning I dealt with things. Realizing that I was no longer a virgin and that it wasn't by choice. Still I said nothing to no one. How could I? I was the one that got into Jack's car. I knew Jack from church... something is wrong with all of that picture. And besides I blacked out, I mean I know what happened but I don't remember everything... Something was wrong with me.
I wasn't myself at school, everyone noticed. Crying at almost everything and anything. I was talking to my friend in between classes and something slipped. I don't remember what I said. I remember hanging out in class trying to keep it together, and the next thing I knew I was being called out of class by the guidance counselor. I remember my friend standing out side class and mouthing the words I am sorry. I CAN STILL SEE her expression on her face, she thought she had betrayed me... She did quite the opposite. Though I was upset at the time.
Guidance counselor, fifteen min with her and she called my parents... and the school resource officer. OMG, my parents. Oh crap no. I would just rather talk to the resource officer! So I gave them as many details as possible. Was referred to a therapist. Since things had happened with the church, they were gonna look into it too.
Okay so the investigation begins. He denies everything! The church says there isn't anything they can do....and the officers want me to take a polygraph test, which the results can't be used in court anyhow, right? My parents didn't know anything about victims rights, I love them, they had no clue I was being trampled upon! Re-victimized by each one of them. I took the polygraph because the church said I was lying if I didn't. Fine. The results were I was telling the truth. Did they ever request him to do the same? Nope money talks! The church said that I had invited the situation. The police dropped the case, being a he said she said... I don't even wanna go there. And my parents? Wow, they doubted me at first. It took them some time to believe what I was really saying.
So incredibly hurt. I went to therapy. Even hypnotherapy as an adult, because I started having panic attacks and flash backs. Every once in a while I still get triggers, it can something as simple as a smell or a touch and I am a total mess, panic-ville. It kinda blows that every man I am with from that point on... has to know a bit about the violence... it seems a lot to just have to put out there.
The way I see this though, is very much the same as I see a few other circumstances in my life. I can sit here and throw a pity party... that doesn't do shit... I mean there is a place for that, initially, but in my life... I won't go there. That gives that jerk too much control. That's what the act of rape is anyhow control. He cannot have my happiness. I choose not to be the victim any longer. Crap happens, I am glad I wasn't injured any more severely. That I am still mentally stable (as near as I can be anyhow, lol). And since it didn't break me, I am stronger because of it.
So experiencing a dark side of human nature at age of innocence. Yea it affected me, but as I said in another blog, the title I believe... I will explain, but this does not define me. No I am bigger than this. Everyone has a story this is just part of mine. I hope it explains what goes on inside my head... maybe where I come from, probably how protective I get. Sure its also attributed to my some of my control issues. Not excuses, never those, just attempting to understand the inner part of me. Oddly enough I still trust people and trust them probably more than I should...
I am still very much a work in progress, still don't have all the answers. But I can be honest; share my experiences. Maybe give someone the courage to speak out. Maybe. I can most certainly listen. I am always here should anyone need a shoulder.
Monday, May 30, 2011
A - Muse - Ing
Wow. Honored, a bit taken back... humbled... yea that's the word. I wasn't expecting being called a "muse", I know things inspire me. But ME? Awwww. I don't know what to say about that. I am truly a fan of this person's and to know that I help inspire his creativity, that he has some really productive things happen after we converse... SWEET! That is incredible. Personally, I am aware that there are people who can and do light a fire under my arse for both the good and the bad, and they can just flip on that creative side for me. Just feels different to be that person on the other end. But awesome I am running with that title! Heck yea, wearing it proudly... my new badge. *wink*
Ever wonder about that one that coulda gotten away. Well crap. For a min today that's where I was today. I am at a stand still, check in the game of chess, not sure what way is up at the moment, so I guess it's kinda normal. LOL. Thought about it for a whole min. Honestly.. a min.. but after that, well... I know what I want. But you know what they say about wanting, want in one hand and shat in the other... yup one fills first... but that want never goes away. That is my point.
Anyhow that what if was very much the same situation that arose as the other night. One idea, but I couldn't follow through. Things just didn't line up. I don't know what to do... I can only do my part. Be as honest as possible... as present as possible. I don't play games. Think it's why my mind doesn't even go there, the thoughts just shut down, its fine, no complaints. Needing to stay focused anyhow --LOL, got my own blinders on. Though there are other theories on that- DW, CG, and Matt/Laura even Casandra, lmao. Oh well.
Back to the inspiration... I have been on fire lately, lots of stuff not even being caught on paper, wow, I know, a bit manic in and of that. But its good things. Matt challenged me yesterday a few different things. I am taking it and running with it seeing where it leads. Excited about the possibilities. And just gonna keep being me. Because that is something no one else can be, me.
Being positive, BEing light, being creativity... BEING me!
Ever wonder about that one that coulda gotten away. Well crap. For a min today that's where I was today. I am at a stand still, check in the game of chess, not sure what way is up at the moment, so I guess it's kinda normal. LOL. Thought about it for a whole min. Honestly.. a min.. but after that, well... I know what I want. But you know what they say about wanting, want in one hand and shat in the other... yup one fills first... but that want never goes away. That is my point.
Anyhow that what if was very much the same situation that arose as the other night. One idea, but I couldn't follow through. Things just didn't line up. I don't know what to do... I can only do my part. Be as honest as possible... as present as possible. I don't play games. Think it's why my mind doesn't even go there, the thoughts just shut down, its fine, no complaints. Needing to stay focused anyhow --LOL, got my own blinders on. Though there are other theories on that- DW, CG, and Matt/Laura even Casandra, lmao. Oh well.
Back to the inspiration... I have been on fire lately, lots of stuff not even being caught on paper, wow, I know, a bit manic in and of that. But its good things. Matt challenged me yesterday a few different things. I am taking it and running with it seeing where it leads. Excited about the possibilities. And just gonna keep being me. Because that is something no one else can be, me.
Being positive, BEing light, being creativity... BEING me!
The Reason I Started This Blog
Well it was to give my pep talks to myself and others... To witness my growth as a personally and professionally... To document all the Mari-isms that come out. Sometimes great bits of genius are stuck in my goofy sayings. Sometimes it's just goofiness, but it makes someone smile!
I gave my pseudo plunger to the 13yr other day. What? I know I don't have any kids of my own... I have a tendency to just adopt my friends kiddos. So I met this incredible 13yr old a few months ago, fell in love with her wit. She is incredible, spunky... And holy crap, she didn't hesitate to tell me what she thought of a certain personal circumstance! Atta girl. That takes cajones, to call me out. I LIKE it! Haha. Well my friend went back home but I connected his daughter via FB. She is so amazing. Love her positive energy!
Well, I was out one night and she said on her status (that I get via texts), that "he makes her smile". I responded that makes two of us! A couple hrs later she posted she would never be good enough. OH heck no! No one gets to make her feel like that. I replied with nope, you are BETTER. Always will be. She messaged me to tell me about this goober. Who isn't worth her time, how he is always leading her on and then she gets invested only to have him dump her. UGH. I hate games. But I know that she is 13. So I give her a pep talk tell her he isn't worth her time, she will be going to high school and there will be bigger and better fish out there.
Couple days later she posts that her heart hurts. I asked her if it was indigestion? lol. She says no. I said he doesn't deserve you.... he is poop! Yup I stated it out there for everyone to see. And I said what do you do with poop? YOU FLUSH IT. She said that it just hurt.... what he was doing. I said so you take a laxative and then flush it! lol. That has been the ongoing joke. Crude I know, but its a good analogy... one that we can all understand.
About three days ago, she made mention of the poop again.. :( I understand this from her side, but I also get that she has to get over it. She said the poop came back, funny though, but not funny situation. I told her she could have my plunger. That seemed to lift her spirits.
This is some interesting stuff. Because this was very much me at her age. Wow, what I would give to have someone tell me that I was worth more than being torn apart like that.
Putting together my poetry for the portfolio... I had to go back to sites I didn't want to. But it afforded me the opportunity, yup I am gonna put a positive spin on it, is a learning opportunity to see how far I have come, how much I have grown and evolved. SWEET. I KNOW I am worthy of love. I was almost in tears seeing me say that I didn't think I was worthy of such an emotion! HOLY CRAP. Oh hell no! I am. I bring a lot with me talent, a fantastic attitude, motivation, and a cute little container (hehe, why not? it's MY blog for cryin' out loud, but I did just make myself blush). I have a lot of love to give. Not sticking my head in the sand; in a much healthier place and ready to take on the world.
I trust the process of life.. Know that I have incredible people around me who love and support me. Who won't let me fall. Everything happens for a reason. I am stronger and lessons have been learned. No failures around this part, not ever.
With that grateful heart I proceed.
I gave my pseudo plunger to the 13yr other day. What? I know I don't have any kids of my own... I have a tendency to just adopt my friends kiddos. So I met this incredible 13yr old a few months ago, fell in love with her wit. She is incredible, spunky... And holy crap, she didn't hesitate to tell me what she thought of a certain personal circumstance! Atta girl. That takes cajones, to call me out. I LIKE it! Haha. Well my friend went back home but I connected his daughter via FB. She is so amazing. Love her positive energy!
Well, I was out one night and she said on her status (that I get via texts), that "he makes her smile". I responded that makes two of us! A couple hrs later she posted she would never be good enough. OH heck no! No one gets to make her feel like that. I replied with nope, you are BETTER. Always will be. She messaged me to tell me about this goober. Who isn't worth her time, how he is always leading her on and then she gets invested only to have him dump her. UGH. I hate games. But I know that she is 13. So I give her a pep talk tell her he isn't worth her time, she will be going to high school and there will be bigger and better fish out there.
Couple days later she posts that her heart hurts. I asked her if it was indigestion? lol. She says no. I said he doesn't deserve you.... he is poop! Yup I stated it out there for everyone to see. And I said what do you do with poop? YOU FLUSH IT. She said that it just hurt.... what he was doing. I said so you take a laxative and then flush it! lol. That has been the ongoing joke. Crude I know, but its a good analogy... one that we can all understand.
About three days ago, she made mention of the poop again.. :( I understand this from her side, but I also get that she has to get over it. She said the poop came back, funny though, but not funny situation. I told her she could have my plunger. That seemed to lift her spirits.
This is some interesting stuff. Because this was very much me at her age. Wow, what I would give to have someone tell me that I was worth more than being torn apart like that.
Putting together my poetry for the portfolio... I had to go back to sites I didn't want to. But it afforded me the opportunity, yup I am gonna put a positive spin on it, is a learning opportunity to see how far I have come, how much I have grown and evolved. SWEET. I KNOW I am worthy of love. I was almost in tears seeing me say that I didn't think I was worthy of such an emotion! HOLY CRAP. Oh hell no! I am. I bring a lot with me talent, a fantastic attitude, motivation, and a cute little container (hehe, why not? it's MY blog for cryin' out loud, but I did just make myself blush). I have a lot of love to give. Not sticking my head in the sand; in a much healthier place and ready to take on the world.
I trust the process of life.. Know that I have incredible people around me who love and support me. Who won't let me fall. Everything happens for a reason. I am stronger and lessons have been learned. No failures around this part, not ever.
With that grateful heart I proceed.
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